I am beat....

Today my whole body is aching and I feel like I am getting sick....I think it is because of the very intense last week.
Not only did I once again have to make a new decision to say no to the manager position (although I am flattered that they called and asked me to reconsider) but 90% of our unit was sold to another company, and people were very upset with that. I belong to the remaining 10% who is staying on the original company, but for quite a while we did not know where we belong to. Then the week continued with the three day long grief recovery workshop, and I continued using the tools I have learned to grief some other people during the weekend, and now I am just beat.....I guess it is my body saying that I need to stop for a while, and that is what I am going to do. I am not going to train as I planned to, instead I am going to go home and take a long warm bath.

Saying No.

I did the whole day management assesment today and I decided that I am not going to take the position as a manager.
I feel like I am not ready for it yet, and I would probably be able to do it, but I feel the chances for a burn out would be very big.
Saying no is also a strength ;)

3:rd step in jobinterview

OMG! The next step is to have a whole day management assesment with interviews, IQ test, perosnality test, motivation test and role playing. I don´t feel like I am ready to become a manager and I guess that will show up in the test, but it is definetly going to be an interesting experience with some good feedback....wish me luck...or something :)

2:nd interview

Tomorrow I have the second interview for the manager position that I dont even know if I want....the funny/weird thing is, that he is coming over to my workplace to meet me, instead of me going there....I guess it is a good sign ;)

Interview

I had an interview for a manager position in my company today. I am not sure I even want to change job as I love the one that I have as a project manager, but we´ll see.
Me and the interviewer got along very well, and the situation actually turned kind of weird when we started talking about that we both have alcoholic mothers and how it has affected us. The even funnier thing is that she was also the one that interviewed me when I first started working in the company where I work now. Anyway, when I left, she hugged me so I guess I made a good impression. :) She is however not going to be the one that is deciding about this position, so we´ll see....

Pressure

Found out today, that if my project does not deliver on time, all of the employees in my company (about 1000 people) will be without a bonus....talk about pressure!! :/

Devil vs Angel??

It is interesting how you can be your own worst enemy.
We had a workshop with a project today, and afterwards we went out for dinner and to shoot some pool. Suddenly I just got into my head, that no, NOW I have to go home, and I went home. Even before I had stepped out from the poolhall I regretted my decision, as I would have wanted to stay longer and shoot some more pool. But I could not turn around as I had already said bye to everybody. I have been upset at myself for quite a while after this, although now I don´t really care about my decision.
I just can´t understand how I can want two opposite things at the same time?

more work...

I have been pending between panic and exctasy the last few days. Why? Because of my work of course. That also seems to be the only thing I can think about and write about lately and maybe that is the problem?
When I am at work and I am doing my tasks it is going well and I feel extatic, when I come home and when it is time to sleep in the night, I feel panic. I know I should not think too much, and I should just do it instead, wthout too much thinking, without too much hesitation, that is when things usually go the best. I think I think so much because I am not sure that I am ready for this challenge, I am not sure I want my work to be that big part of my life...but I guess we will see how this goes, if I can keep my weeks to around 50 hours a week, then it is ok, but if it will exceed that, I think it will definetly affect my lifequality too much.
Anyway, this is the problem I have, I am afraid that my job will take control over my life and I don´t want that to happen. But once again, I guess that is my choice, is´nt it? So as I am writing, I start to wonder if control is the issue? I am afraid I wont have control over my project, myself and my life and that scares the shit out of me. But why would I not have control? There will be demands and there will be pressure but I can always say no, and my job is just a job, not my whole life. I guess I am afraid because I feel I don´t know my own limitis and I don´t know when it is time to say no....but now is the time to learn it then?

Priorities

I have been so busy the last few days that I have hardly had time to read emails or blogs. Today after a quite hectic day at work, after vacuuming and while doing the laundry I finally had time to visit my blogfriends and just sit down and think.
It is VERY exciting at work right now, and I LOVE the tasks I have to do. Project management is definetly my thing, lets just hope I will do it well. The downside is that I have not had any time for my friends and I think my BF might feel a bit neglected. There are quite a few people in the project office that have families and it is crazy to hear how they live their lives. They sit up and work until 2 in the morning because they need to take care of their kids in the evening, and then they get up at 7 o´clock the next morning again. I don´t think I could do that...I find it hard enough to have enough energy for work as it is....maybe this is a job I will only do right now, for a couple of years, and then I need to do something else when and if I get a family.
Now it is time for Greys anatomy and some candy... :)

Here we go...

Today my low selesteem is GONE! It was officially announced to the organization that I am going to be the total project manager for this project, and I am SO excited to start running MY project :) I know there will be bumps in the road, but I am visioning success and I think it will turn out ok.
The real deal starts tomorrow!

I also want to share the song "Learning to fly" by the genious Pink Floyd. It represents my life...

" There's no sensation to compare with this
Suspended animation, a state of bliss
Can't keep my mind from the circling skies
Tongue-tied and twisted just an earthbound misfit, I"

Low selfesteem

Today has not been a very good day.
First of all, my Love is being threatend by this psycho, and I wish I could do something to help him, but I can´t. I wish I could make the psycho go away, but I can´t.
Second of all, the last few days I have been working my ass off to clean up other peoples messes and mistakes to be able to hold an extremly tight deadline. I have been doing my own tasks while trying to set evrything else right with information that I have gotten way past the deadline. Around 4pm today I got an angry call that one of my own responsibilities was done in the wrong way, and I was told that I needed to straight it up right away. I felt like crying, and I felt really upset, but I corrected my mistake.
After this I just felt worhtless. I know that everybody has a lot to, and quite a few people don´t know the processes because they are new, so they make mistakes. I also know that many people consider this the normal way of working, and I know many has way more stress than I do. But still, trying to correct other peoples mistakes, and not even getting a thank you for it, but only the opposite, is it worth it?
I have also seriously started to doubt if I will be able to pull my off being a project manager. I think I am too sensitive and don´t have a stresslevel that is high enough. I have also realized that people don´t take responsibility for their tasks, so am I going to be the one taking responsibility for everything?
I am not sure if theese thoughts are normal, or if I have them just because of low selfesteem? I guess it is because of low selfesteem, I realize that as I am writing. It is just very hard to set a balance in helping people, but still not taking over their responsibilities....During a better day (hopefully tomorrow) I will probably feel more confident. Does anybody have any good tips?

Project!

I got my own multimillion kronor worth project!! :)
I feel quite confident about it as one of my co-workers, who I admire the most of the projectmanagers will be my mentor. I definetly want to be as good as him (although I will never be as smart ;)) I don´t know yet when I will start the project, but I think it will be next week.
Tomorrow we are also going to see Circue du Soleil with my Love, I am REALLY looking forward to that although I got a bit afraid that I will get disappointed. I read that the focus will not be on acrobatics but on the music in this piece...but we´ll see, I have never seen Circue du Soleil before, so I think it will be good :)
(Picture taken from http://www.cirquedusoleil.com)

Maybe, maybe....

“I am so excited, and I just can’t hide it, I am about to loose control and I think I like it!” :)Sometimes work can be so fun. :) I have wanted to have a promotion to move to another position for quite a while, and I actually have known that this is the position I want, ever since I started working here. Today my new boss came and talked to me, and told me that she needs me to help her to put out an ad for my current position, and that as soon as we have a new person here, I will get a promotion! :)I will be handling projects in this global company I am working in, worth nine figured numbers in euros, it is scary, but it is exciting! I can’t believe that this might actually be happening, and I don’t want to scream Yippee before everything is set, but I still need to let out a small YAY, right now, but I don’t want to jinx everything....so let’s keep it cool..... ;)

Jaada, jaada

Well, the interview went very well yesterday. He was mainly looking for a person who is "driven, smart and has charm" Apperantly he thought that is what I am (for some strange reason). Yesterday I wanted to change job, today I don´t.
I feel like I don´t want to change jobs unless it is clearly better than the one I have now, and I am not sure this one is.
Anyway, I don´t think I am going to change jobs. I enjoy my workmates that I have right now and it would be good for me to just calm down a bit and try to stay in one place for a bit longer. :)
Had a nightmare last night. I dreamt that I was shopping stuff for my birthday and I got caught by the police and thrown into jail. I knew my BF was waiting for me and the guests were also arriving. I was feeling so stressed because I could not tell them were I was, I could not shop the things I wanted, I was´nt able to get to my party in time and I was uncertain when I was going to get out of jail. Hmmm...I guess I am feeling a bit unsettled.....but the weather is good and sun is shining :)

Evaluation

I had an evaluation with my boss today and it went very well (I already got the salary raise :))
I just need to write down the things she said so that I can remember it and improve what needs to be approved.

I live as I preach, that is a great leader quality. I have high demands on myself and on others. I need to learn to accept that other people might not have as high demands on themselves as I have, and stop expecting more of them than they can deliver. I need to remember that most people are trying their best.
My emotions are pretty transparent which can be good and bad. I need to learn to express my negative emotions in a different (more positive) way to be a good leader
From time to time I need to make a choice. Should I be honest or a leader?
In communication I need to learn to adjust how I talk depending to which group I am talking to. Especially the management group.
I am very result oriented which is good.
I have courage to question things and a will to understand things.
I have an ability to see the big picture.

She also told me about five times that I need to focus on how to improve my strenghts and not focus on my weaknesess. When looking at my list, I have kind of forgotten that again.... :/ So, she also thought that I one day will be a very good project manager (not working as one yet) and that she sees very much potential in me, I guess that is good :)

New Boss

As you spend so many hours of your life at work, it obviously also becomes a big part of your life.
We are going trough a lot of organizational changes at work, not negative ones but positive ones where we are growing and the organization is changing. I also learned today that my boss is quitting and we are getting a new boss.
I don´t like the idea of getting a new boss as the person who is my boss today is the person who hired me, and I know she belives in me. What if the personal chemistry with the new person does not work at all? What if the new person is extremly controlling and has a very different idea of what I should be doing compared to what I am doing now? I have never really realized how much the boss affects the work enviroment, but he or she does.
I like changes as long as they are not for the worse. With changes you grow and get to know yourself and a lot of the times you suddenly manage to do things that you never thought you would be capable of. But pretty much everybody are scared of changes, scared of the unknown and uncertain, myself included. This is when you need courage. Courage to go trough the changes despite your fear. You need to learn to face that fear and realize that you are bigger than the fear.

............Ok, anyway, I starts sounding like I am preaching here, need to stop now :)

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Arbete, omorganisering, karriär, rädsla, mod, förändring

Self Evaluation

I had to do a self evaluation today, this is for the salary negotiation I am going to have with my boss in the beginning of next week. It felt kind of strange doing it as I already know I am going to get a salary raise, but we need to have a dicussion about how much I will get. There are five different levels in the salarys that I need to take into consideration when scoring myself. I am on the beginners level and I have to score myself according to that. Would I be in a higher level the demands would be higher and my scores lower.
It is strange to evaluate yourself as there are so many aspects that needs to be taken into consideration. I think when we evaluate our personality and ouseleves as human beings we hardly ever take into consideration the aspects around us. We just have a generalised picture of how things should be and how we should act. That usually causes problems for ourselves as we make an evaluation based on wrong data.
I feel it is hard for me to evaluate myself for the salary negotiation and even if I constantly judge myself in my private life, I think it is virtually impossible to get a realistic picture............or maybe I am just complicating things too much?? If you are a good worker, you get a salary raise and if you like yourself as you are, you will have a good life. Maybe it is as simple as that??!! :)
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Samhälle, lön, själv analys

Feeling good

Spontanious work related appreciation recived from others, during today and yesterday:
1. A person higher than me in the hierachy told me that he thinks it is good that I am trying to get things in place and solve things. He told me to not give up because it is neccessary work that needs to be done.
2. One of the bosses wrote me an email saying it was admirable that I have the strength to try to solve all the different things that I am trying to solve and told me I am doing a great job and also told me to not give up.
3. One of my co-workers told me that it is because of me he has the strength to carry on with his work and he thinks it is admirable how much I get done.
4. My own boss told me that she is very happy with my work. The salary negotiations are in the fall for all employees but she is going to try to arrange a salary negotiation for me before the summer to try to get me a salary rise right now instead.
So I guess I can be pretty satisfied and feel good about myself :) Although it slightly feels like they don´t know what they are talking about and I am not as good as they say. But I appreciate all the nice feedback I get. :)
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arbete, framgång, ledarskap, lycka

Leadership

Today we talked about leadership in our team leader course. I found the day very interesting as I got a better understanding of why people sometimes misunderstand me and I also got a better overview of how to be a leader.
My problem is that is usually skip the "get to know" phase and I usually just spit out what I think from the very first moment when I meet people. This is not appreciated by everybody and I guess I can understand that. But the positive sides of it is that people feel more comfortable to speak their mind too, usually way earlier than they would have without me letting frogs jump out of my mouth. But don´t get me wrong here, I am not THAT bad, just a little bit over the top ;)
As a leader you need to use different ways of leading depending on what stage the group is in. Apperantly there has been a study done a couple of years ago and they had found out that only 1% of the leaders are able to change leadership styles. Most of the leaders stick to the style they feel is most comfortable, and that is why their leadership doesnt always work.
What I learned today is that I am on the right track, but there is still a lot to learn :)
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ledarskap

Being the odd bird

Today at the course I presented myself as the odd bird. This is because I am the only one who is not from Sweden and who does not have a engineering background. (and becuse I have participated in voodo rituals, been swimming with giant turtles and I don´t always follow the societys rules of what is correct)
There are consequences of being the odd bird. The positive ones are that you can help people open up and help them feel more comfortable in letting their personalitys show. You can also make people laugh quite easily by just letting frogs jump out of your mouth. But the downside is that to be taken seriously, you really need to show that you can be diplomatic and that you are a hard worker that deserves respect.
This is something I have been able to do at my ordinary workplace, but in this course I think people are quite suspicious against me. It is interesting how afraid people are of how other people are going to percive them. We had a discussion during the course about dress codes. Most of the people in the course are dressed like engineers and business people usually dress, a preppy shirt and neat pants. I don´t dress like that, I have a more street, slappy style that does not bring that much respect in itself. But does clothes really do the person? Or is it the person that does the clothes?
We have a red headed very bohemic woman in our organisation. She looks way more like an artist than a business woman. But the way she carries herself and the way she talks, shows that she expects respect from other people. And she gets the respect.

Respect.
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sociala normer