Third day of grief recovery

Yesterday it was the third day of the grief recovery workshop. It was the roughest day for my part as this day consisted of making a relationship chart over mine and my mother relationship, and also writing a fullfilment letter, that you can also partly call a goodbye letter. Reading the relationship chart was really hard, but reading the fullfilment letter actually made me feel like something was flying away from me. After I had read the letter I remember watching up to the roof and thinking she is free and so am I....I am not going to publish the whole letter as it was quite long, but I will publish the end of it here, the part of letting go:

I want you to know, that despite everything I really miss you in my life and I wish that things could have been different. I want you to know that you were my security and the best person in the world when I was a little kid, I was just so mad at you for choosing alcohol instead of me, and that is something I am still sad about, but I forgive you for that. I would have loved to keep my mother with me for a longer time. I want you to know that I have blackpainted you for a long time, just to be able to handle the rejection I felt from you, but I dont want to do it anymore, I want to say goodbye to you and live my life. You need to know that me letting go does not mean that I will forget you or that I don´t love you, it only means that I dont want to feel tha pain anymore and I don´t want to let it affect my life in the same way anymore.
Thank you mother for loving me so much as you did and I want you to know that I am so very sad for the fact that life was such a big darkness for you, and so many times I wished I would have had magic powers that would have helped you. Despite everything, I will cherish my positive memories of you in my heart.
I know that you are afraid of letting go, and so am I, but maybe it is time for us to do it? Maybe we can do it together? Both be free from the prison of the past.

I miss you a lot mum, more than I have wanted to admit, and I love you.

I forgive you for all the bad memories, and I know you always tried your best, but now it is time to say goodbye.


Goodbye mother

A letter to my long lost mum

Dear Mum,
It is quite many years since we have seen eachother, and even longer since we have really talked to eachother. Sometimes I still miss you, or I miss the mum that I wish you would have been. I know that you really loved me, but it was a twisted love you gave me. The greatest fear of yours was that I would stand on my own two feet and that I would not need you anymore. I stopped needing you long before you realized it, but I kept on dancing the dance of dependency, because that was the only dance I knew.
I still wish that I could really get to know you, that I could learn you desires, learn what made you happy, learn what made you sad, learn what you were afraid of, and learn who you really were. I ask people about you, but it seems like nobody really knew you, nobody really understood you ,except for your own mum, you two were really close.
I still carry your pain with me, Is it you who doesn´t want to let go, or is it me? In so many ways I feel like the only thing I have left of you is the pain you caused me, and when I don´t have that, I won´t have anything, my mum will be gone...You left a hole in me, a hole that cannot be filled by anybody else or anything else besides you, but you will never be there to fill it and plant some flowers on it to turn the pain into beauty.
I miss you, but I am also relived that you are no longer part of my life. I have finally started to feel free in my life, and I feel a serenity that I have never felt before. But with that serenity comes sadness, sadness for the loss of you, my mum who would have done anything for me. I hate how your life never became what you wanted it to be, and I hate the fact that you projected that disappointment on me, and that it caused me to feel responsible for your misery. Some people think that you should always love your parents, no matter what, some people think that you dont have to love them unless they treat you well. I am not sure where I stand....I dont miss the person you were, but I miss the person that you could have been. You were not a mean person, you were just a unhappy person that because of that became very selfcentric and destructive for yourself and the people around you. You taught me how to not live my life, and even if it was a fu*%ed up lesson, it showed me the dark side of life. It showed me what happens when you are not true to yourself or not brave enough.
I want to write you again, as I feel there are so many things I want to say to you. I want to belive that you hear me, there on the other side....I want to say a proper godbye to you, I want to let you go, and I want you to be happy.
When you were still alive, I wrote you a letter were I tried to explain how bad you made me feel. I translated some of the words from the song belove, and I wish you really understood what I meant....

You were my lesson I had to learn
I was your fortress you had to burn
Pain is a warning that something's wrong
I pray to God that it won't be long
Do ya wanna go higher?

There's nothing left to try
There's no place left to hide
There's no greater power
Than the power of good-bye

My Mothers Death

My mother died about four years ago. When it finally happend it was a relief, but the road to the feeling of relief was not easy.
I was travelling in Vietnam with my "best friend" when I got a call from my dad. Instantly I knew that the call was about my mum. He told me that she was in the hospital and asked me to come home earlier from Vietnam. I asked him if my mums condition was serious and he started crying and said yes....
I remember thinking: "the time has come, the end is near". My "best friend" got even more upset about what was going on than I did, but she was more upset about our holiday ending sooner than planned and I ended up trying to calm her down... I asked the hotel we were staying at if I could call my mum at the hospital, and they allowed me eventhough I did´nt have enough money with me.
Before my mum got into the hospital her brains were pretty damaged. It was impossible to have a normal conversation with her as she did not understand what you said to her. I had´nt been too much in contact with her over the last two years as I had given up on her ever getting better. When I called her from the hotel in Vietnam I was crying and I told her I loved her for the first time ever. She replied with an annoyed voice that she doesn´t belive me. It hurt me so much to hear those words and I felt she did not give me the opportunity to say goodbye to her....
Anyway, I was able to get home from Vietnam a couple of days earlier than planned. My aunt came and picked me up and we went straight to the hospital. I did not recognize my mum when I first saw her at the hospital, I thought she was some old strange lady and I told the nurse that it she was not my mum. She went and asked somebody and came back and told me that I was wrong, it was my mum...She looked so old and her face had aged ten years in five weeks, At this point she was also too sick to ever be awake again.
The next day I went to see her at the hospital again. I wished that she would have been awake so that I could have said goodbye to her, I wished that she would have known that I did love her and I forgave her. I wanted to tell her that I knew the pain she felt and I wanted to apologize to her for not being the daughter she wanted. I wanted to apologize for all the times I had been mean to her and made her cry, I wanted to apologize for not kissing her and hugging her more and telling her that I appreciated her. I wanted to apologize for leaving her alone, for not understanding her misery and pain. I wanted to say that I wish I could have saved her and I that I missed her. She never heard those things from me and it tears me apart that our roads parted without a proper goodbye...
Dispite all the pain she caused me, she was my mother and I miss her and I wish she could have been happy. I am not sure we would ever have been good friends or even friends at all, but it might have been possible if she would have been happy with her life.
When talking to her in the hospital, feeling the smell of death pouring out of her, hearing her barely breath, seeing her very gray hair and knowing that she was never going to se her grandchildren or me getting married broke my heart. But during a few seconds when I was talking to her I saw her lips move as if she was trying to say something, I´d like to think that she heard me and that she wanted to tell me she loved me. I´d like to think she knew I was there, I´d like to think that she forgave me, I´d like to think we had the moment I craved for even if it was just for a few seconds.
I left the hospital to come back after a few hours, but I never had the chance. She died shortly after this.
At this time I needed the support of my best friend more than ever, but she betrayed me. She could not handle my sorrow and she was not capable of just spending time with me so she left me to be all alone in my sorrow....our friendship ended there.
............
sorg, död, mor, alkoholsim