Rolemodel

I have been on course this week that has been about human skills in project management.
It has been a really interesting week, and I got a lot to think about from it. The feedback that I got from one of the leaders, has changed my perception of myself quite a bit. She said that as soon as I get control of my inner emotional chaos, I will be a very strong person for women to model themselves on....
I have NEVER thought that I would be a rolemodel for anyone, and I was amazed aout the fact that she said this. But then again, I can also see, how I am moving towards becoming this whole person and how I actually want to help people by being a strong person. I guess I feel like I am on my way to fulfilling my destiny.... just to be a little spiritual here :)

Change

I read my whole blog yesterday, all the way from the first post about a need to write and not sure about fitting in.
The intention with my blog has changed quite a lot during time. First it was just a fun thing to do, then it became a tool to feel heard and now it is just a friend that I write to about the things happening in my life. I have become a bit more restrictive about what I write though, as my need to be heard has been fulfilled. I have been able to tell about my childhood, and I have been heard by people who has been in similar siuations. I did the griefrecovery workshoop where I felt I was allowed to let go of my mother, and since then I am not bitter any longer, instead I am able to remember the good things about my her, and the memories are no longer a stone in my shoe. I have moved the most "infected" posts to another place as I don´t feel comfortable about having them here.
There are still things I need to work on, and there always will be, and I guess that is the same for all humans, we keep growing all the time. But this blog will not be the forum for those thoughts. Nothing lasts forever, and they say that it is not the most intelligent ones or the thoughest ones that survives the evolution, it is the ones who are most adaptable to change, and I find that quite interesting. I have not yet found the new intention with this blog, if there even is one, but time will tell :)

Lollipops

One of my friends since high school came and visited me for the weekend a couple of weeks ago. She is nowadays a mum to two small children, and enjoyed just getting time for herself. I mentioned that I really like chupachups lollypops and I miss them, as they are not that easy to find here in Sweden.
Yesterday I got mail! :) She sent me lollypops and a letter. It made me really happy :)

Cafées

A good friend of mine says that the best way of meeting people is going alone to cafes and sit and read or do something else. I decided that I am going to try it and see what happens. I have to admit that it is way more pleasent to go to a cafe´, order a green tea, sit down and read a book and watch people instead of sitting home alone on your couch and read the book. To sum it up, I have come to the conclusion that this is a great way of spending time with yourself.
Anyway, I did this today for the first time, first I went to one café and sat there and read for a while. Then I went for a walk and ended up in another place and I had only sat there for just a few minutes, when an eldery man came up to me and asked me to help him with some swedish words, he told me he had moved here from Iraq in october 2007. We eneded up talking for two hours and I told him about the swedish society, and a lot of things were very strange for him. When I told him about people living together without being married, about gay marriges and so on, he was just stunned. But he took it very well, and he seemed like a very smart man.
So, this is something that usually only happens when I travel... or that is probably because I have never got into the routine to go alone to cafés when being home. :) I think today was a proof that this should be a new hobby of mine, just to go to cafés to read a book, and see if something else happens or not :)

6 words

Today I read an article in the Metro about there being a new hype in the US where you are supposed to describe yourself with 6 words. Apperantly it is "amazing" how much you can get to know about a person in just six words. So here are my six words:

adventerous
thinker
honest
kind
supportive
rootless

Anybody else up for 6 words?

Never dull your shine for somebody else.

What a great saying to remember.

If I just lay here....

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Third day of grief recovery

Yesterday it was the third day of the grief recovery workshop. It was the roughest day for my part as this day consisted of making a relationship chart over mine and my mother relationship, and also writing a fullfilment letter, that you can also partly call a goodbye letter. Reading the relationship chart was really hard, but reading the fullfilment letter actually made me feel like something was flying away from me. After I had read the letter I remember watching up to the roof and thinking she is free and so am I....I am not going to publish the whole letter as it was quite long, but I will publish the end of it here, the part of letting go:

I want you to know, that despite everything I really miss you in my life and I wish that things could have been different. I want you to know that you were my security and the best person in the world when I was a little kid, I was just so mad at you for choosing alcohol instead of me, and that is something I am still sad about, but I forgive you for that. I would have loved to keep my mother with me for a longer time. I want you to know that I have blackpainted you for a long time, just to be able to handle the rejection I felt from you, but I dont want to do it anymore, I want to say goodbye to you and live my life. You need to know that me letting go does not mean that I will forget you or that I don´t love you, it only means that I dont want to feel tha pain anymore and I don´t want to let it affect my life in the same way anymore.
Thank you mother for loving me so much as you did and I want you to know that I am so very sad for the fact that life was such a big darkness for you, and so many times I wished I would have had magic powers that would have helped you. Despite everything, I will cherish my positive memories of you in my heart.
I know that you are afraid of letting go, and so am I, but maybe it is time for us to do it? Maybe we can do it together? Both be free from the prison of the past.

I miss you a lot mum, more than I have wanted to admit, and I love you.

I forgive you for all the bad memories, and I know you always tried your best, but now it is time to say goodbye.


Goodbye mother

Second day of Grief recovery

Today we presented our loss charts. A loss chart is a chart that shows the losses in your life. It was hard to tell about it to the other people in the goup and some losses definetly still hurts...
Our second task was to imagine that you would die in an hour and you needed to write our last toughts before you would die. You also needed to write a letter to the ones left behind and here is my letter:

Since I moved away from home, my life has become better and better. With theese words I dont want to make anybody feel guilty or punish anybody, it was nobodys fault how things were. We were all unhappy in my family home and it is is better for all of us, as things are now. The meaning of life is to be happy, and that is why everything happend just the way it was supposed to happen. With this I want to say that don´t lock yourselves into a selfmade prison to which only you have the key to. If you feel that you have to punish yourself for something you have done, then look at yourselves, learn from the experience and dont do it again. That way you will be able to open the lock to your prison.
The meaning of life is to live in freedom with yourself, not to lock yourself in, in accordance to what other people think or what society thinks, the only one who can keep yourself free is you. Dont make my mistake and spend half of your life punishing youself for things that were not your fault, but learn to let go of what hurts and allow yourself to enjoy life to 110%!

First day of Grief Recovery

Today was the first day of the grief recovery workshop (www.sorg.se) I am attending.
This day was not that hard as it consisted mostly of lectures, but there were som tragic lifestorys that were shared with the group.
Tomorrow and on Friday we are going to work more on our own grief and we are also going to choose a person that we are going to mourn. I am guessing mine will be my mother although there are two more candidates that needs closure, but I will probably take them at a later point.
Right now I am just feeling sad, but that is part of the process.....

Winter beauty

I was home in Finland during this weekend to attend a wedding. Once again I was feeling reliefed once I was on my way back home to Stockholm. But I was struck by the beauty of my hometown. When living there as a kid I never realized what a oasis I was living in, I did not see the beauty of the sea and the archipelago and I did not feel the peacefulness in the town.
There is a major difference from the buzzling Stockholm and this sleeping summertown, which is taking its beautysleep during the wintertime to be at its best during the summertime. Still....for me there is more under the surface than what is showing, the icecold sleep is hiding old memories from the past, memories that cannot be erased....

Fine wine

"I am like a fine wine, the older I get, the better I get!"

"You Learn", Alanis Morissette

I recommend getting your heart trampled on to anyone

I recommend walking around naked in your living room

Swallow it down (what a jagged little pill)

It feels so good (swimming in your stomach)

Wait until the dust settles

You live you learn

You love you learn

You cry you learn

You lose you learn

You bleed you learn

You scream you learn

I recommend biting off more then you can chew to anyoneI certainly do

I recommend sticking your foot in your mouth at any timeFeel free

Throw it down (the caution blocks you from the wind)

Hold it up (to the rays)

You wait and see when the smoke clears

You live you learn

You love you learn

You cry you learn

You lose you learn

You bleed you learn

You scream you learn

Wear it out (the way a three-year-old would do)

Melt it down (you're gonna have to eventually anyway)

The fire trucks are coming up around the bend

You live you learn

You love you learn

You cry you learn

You lose you learn

You bleed you learn

You scream you learn

You grieve you learn

You choke you learn

You laugh you learn

You choose you learn

You pray you learn

You ask you learn

You live you learn

Happiness?

I have been thinking a lot about happiness lately. Mostly I think about it in the mornings when I wake up, because for some reason, the bad things always comes first into my mind when I wake up. I don´t want to have that kind of a start of the day. I would rather have happy thoughts when I wake up, or maybe not even happy, but at least just neutral and peaceful thoughts.
I definetly belive that happiness and satisfaction comes from the inside, of course outside factors affects you, but that is still not what rules you and your happiness, or it should´nt.
It is a lot easier to look outside yourself for what can bring you happiness, because then you can remove the responsibility from yourself and you can blame other things for not being happy. But when I for example wake up, and the first thoughts I get into my head is the bad things, how can that be anybody elses responsibility but mine?
I am going to work more on living in the moment, and worrying less about the future or the past. Another thing I want to work on is knowing what I can control and what is out of my control, that is a hard one....Relaxing a bit more in the everyday routine life and being able to feel peaceful about "the boring life" is another thing. Realizing that the real life is not on adventures around the world but the everyday life you live most of the time.
The Buddhists are right in many things.

This is where I am going

Yep, this is where I am going in three weeks. Just took my vaccination and now I am just looking forward to almost three weeks of snorkling, islandhopping, swimming and relaxing....time to pamper myself...
Panama, here I come!

Loving yourself...?

I have had an urge to write a post, and I don´t know why... Maybe it is because I have so many thoughts, memories and feelings flying around in my head.
I have been thinking about the last year and a half and the person who has been closest to me. There is a lot of feelings of love surrounding that person...
I have been thinking about my work, and how you have to be really good with people in order to succeed. How everybody can´t like you but you still need to find a way to get along with everybody.
I have been thinking about life and how I am growing and changing all the time. How I am getting closer and closer to the serenity I want to feel in my life, and how much I affect my own feelings.
I have been thinking about acceptance and what acceptance brings into you life. Acceptance is not the same as surrendering and I think that is not always so easy to understand.

I can´t really explain in words what I feel right now. But I will add a song from my past. This song is not linked to any person, this song is just linked to me, the young teenager 15 years ago, who longed for love and acceptance and who played this song on repeat, on high volume and sang along, and maybe for the first time felt that she loved and cared for herself....

Good sides

I beat on myself alot. I tell myself why I am no good. I take responsibility for things that are not my responsibility. I always think about how I can improve myself some more. I always think that my partner is better than me. Why?

I am a considerate person who always think about other people.
I know there are two in a relationship, I am not the only one to blame.
I know I am not perfect and I am willing to work on myself
I am a good cook
I follow my own way instead of the societys
I can enjoy my own company
If I make a mistake, I take the responsibility and try to make sure I won´t do it again
I am quite generous if I can be
I know that the free things in life are the things that are most precious
I am adventerous and brave
I am quite intelligent
I am honest to myself and others
I am openminded and try to accept all people as they are
My intentions are always good, I never(I can get irritated and then have som negative thoughts) think in a mean and evil way

So there...I am also allowed to say good things about myself! Damn it!

Alcoholism and Co-dependency

One of the biggest reason that the person around the alcoholic becomes co-dependent is because the alcoholics usually have a very strong tendency to blame all of their problems on the ones around them. "You made me feel bad, now it is your fault that I am going to drink", "You are selfish, it is your fault I drink", "No, I am not the one with a problem, YOU are", "You were not there for me, that is why I drink", etc.
Denial is the sister to co-dependency. The person living with one with the sickness wants more than anything for the person to open her or his eyes so that he or she can see her/his own problems and maybe take some action into solving them. When the denial in the sick person stays strong, the other person might start doubting her or himself, maybe the alcoholic is right? Maybe it is me? Maybe it actually is my fault? Maybe if I change myself I can get him/her to stop drinking? At that point you have given yourself powers that you don´t have. You have taken a responsibility that is not yours. YOU can not change the other person, the other person needs to do it him/herself....

I am and have always been powerless...I just need to belive in it also..the ghosts seems to hunt me forever and more...

First of all, BJ, thanks for your comment. You get where I am coming from...
My BF and I have talked, and cried, cried and talked. We are now trying to get some distance from eachother, and we are not going to see eachother for a couple of weeks, but we are going to keep in contact.
I have some issues within myself that I need to clarify. I need to understand my past and which emotions are from the past and which emotions are from the present. I need to understand my limits and my own needs.
I need to settle in myself.

Co-Dependency

Me...the most important person in my life?
I have decided that I am going to go to my first Al-Anon meeting (meeting for grown children to alcoholics) and see what I can get out from it.
The text belove describes how it can be to grow up in a family with alcoholism and how it can affect the child.

Why Be Codependent?
by Dr. Irene Matiatos

Why would anybody spend time and energy to control outcomes, while actively neglecting the inner self? How can they do this and not realize they are selling themselves short? The Why: they know no other way; the How: they received very good training early in life.

Any dysfunction in the family predisposes a child to codependent behavior. Children are biologically programmed to seek love and approval. They have to be cared for or they will die. When a parent or family member is dysfunctional, the child tends to focus on this person--rather than on enjoying a carefree and joyful kid existence. The child has to worry: if the caretaker does not care take, the child dies. For example, in an alcoholic home, little Sally has to worry about whether she can bring friends home - because daddy may be in a bad mood and embarrass her. Such events are training her in codependent thinking, the art of anticipating the other person. If mom is physically ill, Teddy has to worry about exerting her. Who would care for him if anything happened to her? If daddy is angry and controlling, Timmy needs to worry about pleasing him to avoid punishment and humiliation - and to get his conditional love and approval.

Children are naturally egocentric. That means that they see the world revolving around them. If mom and dad fight, children feel that it is somehow their fault. Julie may try to make her parents happy by getting straight As in school in an attempt to keep the parental marriage together. Another child may have an abusive, or simply overactive older sibling. Since the parents cannot be there at all times to police the situation, the younger sibling may learn to anticipate the sib's moods and to behave in ways that might increase the probability of "safety." Or, perhaps daddy is depressed. Jennifer may tiptoe around him wondering if he is unhappy because she is not good enough. And so on. In sum, codependent thinking tends to develop any time a child is growing up in a home where life is not care free. Often, addiction can be traced in the family tree of these dysfunctional families, whether there is an active addict in residence, or not. Nevertheless, these kids have an adult they have to worry about!

The codependent-in-training is taught to walk on eggshells. To ensure survival, the child learns to be extraordinarily sensitive in reading the moods and thoughts of others. The child learns very early to pay attention to and tiptoe around the dysfunctional family members - at the child's expense. These interactions take place silently, implicitly. The child learns to ignore the self's inner needs, instead pretending that all is OK.
.........
medberoende

Devil vs Angel??

It is interesting how you can be your own worst enemy.
We had a workshop with a project today, and afterwards we went out for dinner and to shoot some pool. Suddenly I just got into my head, that no, NOW I have to go home, and I went home. Even before I had stepped out from the poolhall I regretted my decision, as I would have wanted to stay longer and shoot some more pool. But I could not turn around as I had already said bye to everybody. I have been upset at myself for quite a while after this, although now I don´t really care about my decision.
I just can´t understand how I can want two opposite things at the same time?