Change

I read my whole blog yesterday, all the way from the first post about a need to write and not sure about fitting in.
The intention with my blog has changed quite a lot during time. First it was just a fun thing to do, then it became a tool to feel heard and now it is just a friend that I write to about the things happening in my life. I have become a bit more restrictive about what I write though, as my need to be heard has been fulfilled. I have been able to tell about my childhood, and I have been heard by people who has been in similar siuations. I did the griefrecovery workshoop where I felt I was allowed to let go of my mother, and since then I am not bitter any longer, instead I am able to remember the good things about my her, and the memories are no longer a stone in my shoe. I have moved the most "infected" posts to another place as I don´t feel comfortable about having them here.
There are still things I need to work on, and there always will be, and I guess that is the same for all humans, we keep growing all the time. But this blog will not be the forum for those thoughts. Nothing lasts forever, and they say that it is not the most intelligent ones or the thoughest ones that survives the evolution, it is the ones who are most adaptable to change, and I find that quite interesting. I have not yet found the new intention with this blog, if there even is one, but time will tell :)

Boredom

Life is never boring but some people choose to be bored. The concept of boredom entails an inability to use up present moments in a personally fulfilling way. Boredom is a choice; something you visit upon yourself, and it is another of those self-defeating items that you can eliminate from your life
WAYNE W. DYER, Your Erroneous Zones

I am bored right now. At my work we are still in the reorganization period and I have not been given an interesting assignment yet. I have some small things that I am working on, but not too much. Being bored at work and being single is not the best situation for me, I feel like I don´t get enough stimulation and I start thinking too much.
I guess there can´t always be something happening, but that is still kind of what I am used to and what I want. But I am going to try to see this as a challenge, as a opportunity to start learning to just be in the everyday life and with myself. I went to the libray yesterday just to read, and it was nice, because I am reading a very good book, but I realized a café is better :) And when it comes to work, I have a great opportunity to read more about strategy thinking.

Life and Malta

The roofterrace with a pool and some really nice sunshine :)

I have always had quite heavy thoughts when I wake up in the morning. Theese last few weeks my first question has been: "what is the meaning of life?" I have not come to a satisfactory answer and this morning I realized that I am asking the wrong question, beacuse there is no answer to that question, so I changed my question to: "how do I want to live my life?" Now, this is a question that I can answer and have control over....so now I just need to figure out what the answer is.

Interesting decoration

Anyway, Malta was a great weekend trip, and it felt like starting the summer a bit earlier, even the flowers smelled the same as they do here in the summertime, and it was great to feel that smell again. :)

Here are some more pics from Malta:Typical view in Malta

The city of Valetta

6 words

Today I read an article in the Metro about there being a new hype in the US where you are supposed to describe yourself with 6 words. Apperantly it is "amazing" how much you can get to know about a person in just six words. So here are my six words:

adventerous
thinker
honest
kind
supportive
rootless

Anybody else up for 6 words?

honest communication

My manager came to me an apologized and said she feels like she has let me down, and she wanted me to know that she does support me in my career and daily work. It felt good, because she was right, I have felt like she has not been the manager I thought or hoped she would be (she is quite new in her position) but now it is ok, as she apologized.
I also had a dinner with a friend on Monday, or she was an acquaintance, but now I consider her a friend. We talked very honestly about values and the world and how our values sometimes do not fit into the world. Just sharing the same opinions and some honest feelings made the whole evening so special. A sense o lightness, safety and happiness came over me after that evening.

How easy it sometimes is to make things better. Just some honest communication and things are a lot easier than they seemed.

A better day

I am a lot less swollen today, I can bite in soft things, I can open my mouth more, I had a good nights sleep and the sun is shining.
I feel a lot better today,after two terrible days... :)

Toothache

The surgery went quite well, it is now that it is starting to hurt...my whole lower jaw on the left side feels numb and is thumbing. I cant open my mouth, bacuase if I do, some heavy bleading starts. It is starting to looking like I have a tennisball in my cheek and I have troubles swallowing. If move to fast I start feeling like puking. The worst thing is that they say that the second day is the worst..... :/
This is one of those days when it really sucks to be single and not have a caring family.

Angel Dust

Just a story that I wrote because I wanted to be creative. No morals in the story, and no hidden meaning , and not even a good story either :)

Once upon a time, there was an angel hovering around in the dark space bumping into stars, laughing with the meteors and playing with the stardust floating peacefully around in the silent space.

She was happy with her life, or she did not even realize that she had a life or was a living creature. The question is, if she even existed? One day she bumped into another angel, and she did not quite know what “it” was at first. “It” was a strange thing, shining like a star, looking translucent, having this aura around “it” that made “it” glow and had you drawn to “it”. She did not know what to do when she bumped into the angel and for the first time she realized she was something. She could not hover around by herself anymore because she had become a definition, in the connection with this other angel.

The angels started floating around in space together and the more time they spent together, the less translucent they became. They also realized that it became harder for them to float and they started feeling heavier. One day they floated by the brightest star of them all, it was shining with different colors, and the colors made sounds that sounded like dolphins whispering love chants to each other. They decided to do something neither of them had done before; they decided to settle down on the star. The star became their home, although it was more like a living place as home was not a familiar word. On the star they were able to become more translucent again and started floating around on the star, exploring the new world they were in. Sometimes they did the discoveries on their own and sometimes with each other. They learned new truths about reality and started seeing that they were everything, that things change, but things are still the same.

The love they had for each other created cosmical explosions, that where phenomenon’s that had never been seen before. These cosmical explosions created energy that moved around them in different colors and they felt like light breezes around their feet. The light breeze followed them everywhere and grew stronger by every day, soon the breezes were not light breezes anymore, but strong hurricanes with their own will. The hurricanes were ready to leave the star, and so they did. The angels felt empty and alone when no breeze was around their feet anymore, but at the same time they were feeling sleepier than ever…

Soon the angels had fallen to sleep forever, on the light bed of the star. The star was increasingly glowing brighter and with the angles sleeping on it, it had become the leading star for many in distress….

Baby Deer

I saw two baby deers cross the street on my way to work today. I live in the middle of Stockholm and seeing theese two babies looking all confused with their big brown eyes was a strange sensation. They were all peaceful and in no hurry. They were walking into the park just next to me and they made me smile. Can I see two baby deers on my way to work, then anything can happen :)

NOTE: There is a forrest quite nearby, and I am sure they will be fine and find their way back there, at least that is what I tell myself :/

People in white jackets...

I went to the doctors today where I had a VERY unpleasent examination, but I saw myself from the inside which was kind of cool....but I am happy that theese kind of examinations are the ones you make maybe once in a lifetime.
Tomorrow it is time for the dentist again, not yet to have surgery on the tooth but still...my life seems to be dominated by people in white jackets nowadays... :/

The dentist

back to reality with a crash....or actually with the dentist.
I guess I do have a real phobia when it comes to dentists....when I was a kid (around 8 years old), I hade 6 holes in my teeth, and 4 of them needed rootfilling, and the dentist did it without ANY anestisia!! It hurt so baad, and all she did was tell me to open my mouth some more and lie still.....
My phobia seems to be getting worse day by day also, the tears were just falling down my cheeks and I could hardly breath today at the dentists, but I got trough it! The thing is....in a couple of weeks I need to go there again and have a surgery to remove one of my teeth (don´t know what it is called in english....wisdomtooth? the ones that does not start growing until you are older?)
Aiks! Anybody willing to come and hold my hand....? :/

Living

The sun has fallen and I’ve become
The lonely one

The moon is dancing among the clouds
And my knees are shaking,
And my dreams are breaking
But I know I live
But I know I live, today

Sometimes people come into your life..

Sometimes people come into your life and you know
right away that they were meant to be there, to serve
some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson, or to help
you figure out who you are or who you want to become.

You never know who these people may be - a roommate, a
neighbor, a professor, a friend, a lover, or even a
complete stranger - but when you lock eyes with them,
you know at that very moment they will affect your
life in some profound way.

Sometimes things happen to you that may seem horrible,
painful, and unfair at first, but in reflection you
find that without overcoming those obstacles you would
have never realized your potential, strength,
willpower, or heart.

Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness,
and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of
your soul. Without these small tests, whatever they
may be, life would be like a smoothly paved straight
flat road to nowhere. It would be safe and
comfortable, but dull and utterly pointless.

The people you meet who affect your life, and the
success and downfalls you experience, help to create
who you are and who you become. Even the bad
experiences can be learned from. In fact, they are
sometimes the most important ones.

If someone loves you, give love back to them in
whatever way you can, not only because they love you,
but because in a way, they are teaching you to love
and how to open your heart and eyes to things.

If someone hurts you, betrays you, or breaks your
heart, forgive them, for they have helped you learn
about trust and the importance of being cautious to
whom you open your heart.

Make every day count. Appreciate every moment and take
from those moments everything that you possibly can
for you may never be able to experience it again. Talk
to people that you have never talked to before, and
listen to what they have to say.

Let yourself fall in love, break free, and set your
sights high. Hold your head up because you have every
right to. Tell yourself you are a great individual and
believe in yourself, for if you don't believe in
yourself, it will be hard for others to believe in
you.

You can make anything you wish of your life. Create
your own life and then go out and live it with
absolutely no regrets.

And if you love someone tell them, for you never know
what tomorrow may have in store.

Learn a lesson in life each day that you live! Today
is the tomorrow you were worried about yesterday. Was
it worth it?

author unknown

Questions and funerals

Do you ever imagine your own funeral?
I am not asking because I am suicidal or want to die or anything, I am just asking because sometimes I imagine my own funeral. I wonder who would be there, I wonder if people would really be sad and I wonder how fast people would forget me?
Sometimes I also imagine a bad accident and I wonder who would come and visit me to the hospital, who would be the first one I would call and who would really worry about me?
I guess all of theese thoughts are about uncertanty of my meaning in mine and other peoples life. Do I put my permanent print on the people I meet or am I just like water on your body, you feel it when it is there, but when it is dry it is forgotten and untraceable?

Am I?
constantly moving and fastly disappearing as water
or
hard, stable and cold like a stone
or
hot and destructive as fire
or
never ending and forever exsisting like the everchanging sky
or
light and invisible but neccessary for living, like air
or

everything and nothing of the above...?
Who are you?

Jokela shooting

For the eight people that died in the terrible massacre in Jokela.
Can´t belive that this has happend in my homecountry...

Life Script

Belove is an interesting text that I got sent to me from a friend of mine. It is about lifescripts, how we define roles for ourselves, and get scared when we are not playing our role....how does your lifescript look like?

How fixed beliefs define our roles:
Our fixed beliefs define the roles we play in life and have a lot to do with the scripts that are running them. Just as actors follow a play's script for lines, actions and attitude, we follow life scripts according to what our fixed beliefs tell us. Are you telling yourself that you are a tragic
character or heroic character? Are you playing the loving mother, abusive husband, frustrated artist or successful businessman?

Why scripts are dangerous:
Whatever your fixed beliefs are, you have practiced your script for so long that you believe what it says about you and your potential. This is why life scripts are dangerous. We begin to perceive them as being set in stone. We even allow them to shape the way we expect things to turn out. Fixed beliefs also influence the casting, location and wardrobe of our script. Who is "right" for the part in our script and who isn't? What type of living arrangement and attire are appropriate for the character we are playing, etc.?

When life scripts become limiting:
Because our scripts are based on fixed beliefs, we tend to resist any challenges or changes to them. If we suddenly feel happy and fulfilled, but our script says that we should feel sad and hopeless, we tend to panic because we've gone "off script." It just doesn't feel right and besides, the happy role belongs to someone else, doesn't it? This is an example of why most fixed beliefs are also limiting beliefs. They limit our scripts by dictating what we can't do, don't deserve and aren't qualified for.

Flying high

(picture copied from www.liveit.se)

My friends arriving at midnight was a good beginning for saturday. We sat up until 3am and drank red wine, ate good cheeses and just talked until we were so tired that we had to go to bed.
On saturday we spent the whole day shopping which also was very pleasent for that day and I bought som new stuff that I feel are kind of Parisian style during the fifties. The evening was still even more relaxing, with a movie, some more wine and potatoe chips. My boyfriends dog was our little princess during the evening and she kept us entertained. :)
I also got another birthday gift, from my friends from back home, a tandem flight from Live it!! I am a little bit scared of doing it, but at the same time I feel that it is time to challenge myself again, so I am going to do it....:) Let´s see if the weather will be good enough to fly during this part of the year or if I will have to wait until the spring. I am excited about it though!! Another adventure, Yippii!! :)

One of those days

This has been one of those days that everything feels ten times worse than it really is. One of those days when you have no energy and it feels like a challenge to move the mouse to the computer when surfing on the internet. One of those days when it is raining outside and you know that the fall is here, and you feel the cold wind blowing those raindrops in your face. One of those days when you seem to start arguing with the ones you love because you feel it is such a frustrating day. One of those days....

Humanity

Humanity, a forgotten trait?
The care for depressed and mentally ill people has been heavily criticized here in Sweden. A lot of people do not get the help they need. A couple of months ago I saw a documentary about some young women who were depressed and they were talking about how they had been trying to get help, but just got the cold hand. The only way they could get help was by attempting suicide. I can’t even start to explain how terrible that documentary made me feel.
Lately I have been involved in a discussion where we are talking and partly deciding about a person’s wellbeing and future. The outcome of the discussion will depended on the determining person’s willingness to help, willingness to make an effort and willingness to not choose the easy way just because her strength after many years of fighting against byrocracy might be gone. But will she remember that it is still a living human being that needs help that she is making decision on? Or has the humanity she once had flown trough the window and been replaced by indifference? I find it so scary that this is actually what happens. A person that is in a position where she should be extremely compassionate, understanding and helpful has to be reminded of these traits in her, so that she can make the right decisions for the human being she is deciding on.
As it is now, a depressed or mentally ill person that has nobody to support her or him has no chance in the world to get the help she or he deserves. She or he has to take a fight that she shouldn’t need to take. She or he should NOT need to fight to get help.
Do people have the right to forget about their humanity?

nothing

I was laying here on my couch, cuddled up in a corner and just feeling relaxed after the dance aerobics today. I was going to write a nice post about today and the reflections and thoughts I have had today, but then blogger stopped co-operating with me, and my inspiration disappeared.
Anyway, the learning from today is that people are usually very co-operative as long everybody are striving for a win-win situation.
Over and out.