Low selfesteem

Today has not been a very good day.
First of all, my Love is being threatend by this psycho, and I wish I could do something to help him, but I can´t. I wish I could make the psycho go away, but I can´t.
Second of all, the last few days I have been working my ass off to clean up other peoples messes and mistakes to be able to hold an extremly tight deadline. I have been doing my own tasks while trying to set evrything else right with information that I have gotten way past the deadline. Around 4pm today I got an angry call that one of my own responsibilities was done in the wrong way, and I was told that I needed to straight it up right away. I felt like crying, and I felt really upset, but I corrected my mistake.
After this I just felt worhtless. I know that everybody has a lot to, and quite a few people don´t know the processes because they are new, so they make mistakes. I also know that many people consider this the normal way of working, and I know many has way more stress than I do. But still, trying to correct other peoples mistakes, and not even getting a thank you for it, but only the opposite, is it worth it?
I have also seriously started to doubt if I will be able to pull my off being a project manager. I think I am too sensitive and don´t have a stresslevel that is high enough. I have also realized that people don´t take responsibility for their tasks, so am I going to be the one taking responsibility for everything?
I am not sure if theese thoughts are normal, or if I have them just because of low selfesteem? I guess it is because of low selfesteem, I realize that as I am writing. It is just very hard to set a balance in helping people, but still not taking over their responsibilities....During a better day (hopefully tomorrow) I will probably feel more confident. Does anybody have any good tips?

Project!

I got my own multimillion kronor worth project!! :)
I feel quite confident about it as one of my co-workers, who I admire the most of the projectmanagers will be my mentor. I definetly want to be as good as him (although I will never be as smart ;)) I don´t know yet when I will start the project, but I think it will be next week.
Tomorrow we are also going to see Circue du Soleil with my Love, I am REALLY looking forward to that although I got a bit afraid that I will get disappointed. I read that the focus will not be on acrobatics but on the music in this piece...but we´ll see, I have never seen Circue du Soleil before, so I think it will be good :)
(Picture taken from http://www.cirquedusoleil.com)

Life Script

Belove is an interesting text that I got sent to me from a friend of mine. It is about lifescripts, how we define roles for ourselves, and get scared when we are not playing our role....how does your lifescript look like?

How fixed beliefs define our roles:
Our fixed beliefs define the roles we play in life and have a lot to do with the scripts that are running them. Just as actors follow a play's script for lines, actions and attitude, we follow life scripts according to what our fixed beliefs tell us. Are you telling yourself that you are a tragic
character or heroic character? Are you playing the loving mother, abusive husband, frustrated artist or successful businessman?

Why scripts are dangerous:
Whatever your fixed beliefs are, you have practiced your script for so long that you believe what it says about you and your potential. This is why life scripts are dangerous. We begin to perceive them as being set in stone. We even allow them to shape the way we expect things to turn out. Fixed beliefs also influence the casting, location and wardrobe of our script. Who is "right" for the part in our script and who isn't? What type of living arrangement and attire are appropriate for the character we are playing, etc.?

When life scripts become limiting:
Because our scripts are based on fixed beliefs, we tend to resist any challenges or changes to them. If we suddenly feel happy and fulfilled, but our script says that we should feel sad and hopeless, we tend to panic because we've gone "off script." It just doesn't feel right and besides, the happy role belongs to someone else, doesn't it? This is an example of why most fixed beliefs are also limiting beliefs. They limit our scripts by dictating what we can't do, don't deserve and aren't qualified for.

Nothing interesting

I am sooo tired. This was a good weekend, but it made me tired.
On saturday evening my friend had a birthday party. It was nice hanging out there with all her gay friends :) Later in the evening we went out dancing and that was so much fun! I did nothing else besides danced and let me tell you, I was not dry when I went home. I was so sweaty that it looked like a drowned cat! But it was worth it, dancing out all the negative energy.

On sunday evening me and the birthday girl went to see the swedish comedian Jonas Gardell. I really liked the show, although I thought that the one I saw a couple of years was better, but we still got a good laugh :)



(picture taken from www.sundsvall.nu)

I´m still standing!

I went to my dance class today again. We danced to the old Elton John song "I´m still standing". That song means so much to me. I know it is about a broken heart, but for me, the song has always been about still standing in life and being a winner in life despite everything. For me it is a very powerful song, and it was perfect to dance to it today. I am amazed how my life is at the moment, with the possible promotion, my love, my friends, my home, everything!
I am just so happy that I am still standing, and not just standing, I am dancing! :)
PS. check out the hilarious video from the 80`s :)

"Don't you know I'm still standing better than I ever did
Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid! "

Maybe, maybe....

“I am so excited, and I just can’t hide it, I am about to loose control and I think I like it!” :)Sometimes work can be so fun. :) I have wanted to have a promotion to move to another position for quite a while, and I actually have known that this is the position I want, ever since I started working here. Today my new boss came and talked to me, and told me that she needs me to help her to put out an ad for my current position, and that as soon as we have a new person here, I will get a promotion! :)I will be handling projects in this global company I am working in, worth nine figured numbers in euros, it is scary, but it is exciting! I can’t believe that this might actually be happening, and I don’t want to scream Yippee before everything is set, but I still need to let out a small YAY, right now, but I don’t want to jinx everything....so let’s keep it cool..... ;)

Virgin school

Yesterday I watched a documentary on TV about a Virgin School. I was chocked that such a thing exists, but when I heard it is located in Amsterdam I was not as surprised. When we visited Amsterdam in the spring, we did of course also visit the red light district and let me tell you, the people in Amsterdam defiantly has a very different approach to sex than we have, and they are WAY more liberal than we are.
Anyway, I tried to watch the documentary with an open mind, and yes, it is probably good that a man can learn to face his fears about sex and get a chance to loose his virginity if he wants. Yes, I guess it is good that the women doing it are warm women that make him feel comfortable. But I think most of the people watching the documentary did find it a bit repulsive and probably quite a few started thinking about incest and got very uncomfortable watching it.
I guess I am writing this post in order to try to sort out my own thoughts about the documentary, but it is really hard. I can’t say that I think it is all wrong, but I can’t say it is all ok either. But I don’t think this kind of school would actually work anywhere else besides in Amsterdam, and I don’t think the people in Holland think it is as strange as maybe people from other countries think. I am just going to make the conclusion that there are different cultures, different needs and we can all have our own opinions about it. But if you are not hurting anyone, and somebody feels helped, then that is his or her choice, isn’t it? But yes, I also felt a bit repulsed.
Did anybody else see the documentary?

Palm reading

Yesterday evening me and my BF where cuddled up on my bed and where just feeling cozy together. Suddenly he got the idea to start doing palm reading on each other. We got the instructions on how the read palms from a book that I have with a lot of short and random information about everything.
Some of the stuff where accurate and some a bit less accurate, but apparently we are both going to die a sudden death for example (AIKS!!). Anyway, that was not the most interesting part of the palm reading. Apparently the left hand is supposed to show you your past and the right hand your future. My left hand showed me bad luck and a short life, while my right hand shows me the opposite!! Even if I don’t believe in this stuff so much, I still find it symbolic that this is what my hands are telling me about my life. Now I feel like I have proof, or something, (or whatever) that even if you get a rough start in life, it can still turn out well in the future. :)
I am not the kind of person that believes too much in horoscopes, psychics or other stuff like that, but I usually choose to believe in the things that sound good and beneficial for my future. Isn’t that a good way of believing? :)

Flying high

(picture copied from www.liveit.se)

My friends arriving at midnight was a good beginning for saturday. We sat up until 3am and drank red wine, ate good cheeses and just talked until we were so tired that we had to go to bed.
On saturday we spent the whole day shopping which also was very pleasent for that day and I bought som new stuff that I feel are kind of Parisian style during the fifties. The evening was still even more relaxing, with a movie, some more wine and potatoe chips. My boyfriends dog was our little princess during the evening and she kept us entertained. :)
I also got another birthday gift, from my friends from back home, a tandem flight from Live it!! I am a little bit scared of doing it, but at the same time I feel that it is time to challenge myself again, so I am going to do it....:) Let´s see if the weather will be good enough to fly during this part of the year or if I will have to wait until the spring. I am excited about it though!! Another adventure, Yippii!! :)

One of those days

This has been one of those days that everything feels ten times worse than it really is. One of those days when you have no energy and it feels like a challenge to move the mouse to the computer when surfing on the internet. One of those days when it is raining outside and you know that the fall is here, and you feel the cold wind blowing those raindrops in your face. One of those days when you seem to start arguing with the ones you love because you feel it is such a frustrating day. One of those days....

Humanity

Humanity, a forgotten trait?
The care for depressed and mentally ill people has been heavily criticized here in Sweden. A lot of people do not get the help they need. A couple of months ago I saw a documentary about some young women who were depressed and they were talking about how they had been trying to get help, but just got the cold hand. The only way they could get help was by attempting suicide. I can’t even start to explain how terrible that documentary made me feel.
Lately I have been involved in a discussion where we are talking and partly deciding about a person’s wellbeing and future. The outcome of the discussion will depended on the determining person’s willingness to help, willingness to make an effort and willingness to not choose the easy way just because her strength after many years of fighting against byrocracy might be gone. But will she remember that it is still a living human being that needs help that she is making decision on? Or has the humanity she once had flown trough the window and been replaced by indifference? I find it so scary that this is actually what happens. A person that is in a position where she should be extremely compassionate, understanding and helpful has to be reminded of these traits in her, so that she can make the right decisions for the human being she is deciding on.
As it is now, a depressed or mentally ill person that has nobody to support her or him has no chance in the world to get the help she or he deserves. She or he has to take a fight that she shouldn’t need to take. She or he should NOT need to fight to get help.
Do people have the right to forget about their humanity?

nothing

I was laying here on my couch, cuddled up in a corner and just feeling relaxed after the dance aerobics today. I was going to write a nice post about today and the reflections and thoughts I have had today, but then blogger stopped co-operating with me, and my inspiration disappeared.
Anyway, the learning from today is that people are usually very co-operative as long everybody are striving for a win-win situation.
Over and out.

Blogging, 21st century version of group therapy?

The last few days I have felt such a strong feeling of relief for having my blog and my blogfriends who support me. I started thinking about the background in blogging and about when it all started. Rebecca Blood has written an interesting article about the history of blogs. Did you for example know in 1998 there were just a handful of sites of the type that are now identified as weblogs (so named by Jorn Barger in December 1997)? Rebecca Blood also talk in her article about how she started valuing her own point of views more by blogging.
Another interesting point she has, is how bloggers get engaged in eachothers lives, and get strength and improved selfesteem from being heard and having an honest interactive disussion about their lives with other bloggers.
As said in an article by abcnews: Blogging is a 21st century version of group therapy. I definetly find blogging as part of my therapy to heal and I can definetly say that it is helping me. So many times, people feel alone in their thoughts and they feel that nobody understand them. By blogging you find that you are not alone, there are many other people out there who understands you, and because you are "airing your dirty laundry in public", they feel that they can be more honest about their lives too. Dr.Deb writes in her blog about the Harris interactive survey that was done in march 2005 where 48,7% of the people participating in the survey (in US) said that they blog because it is a form of therapy.
I just find this phenomenom about blogging as therapy so interesting. Blogging was a strange concept to me still 6 months ago, and I can´t actually remember how I got the idea to start blogging? Maybe it was just some random blog that I read for some reason. Anyway, because this became such a "scientific" post (at least compared to my other ones :)) I would find it really interesting to know why and how you started blogging?

8 things

My bloggfriend Lilltanten sent me a challenge to tell 8 things you don´t yet know about me, so let´s see...

1.Well, first of all most of the facts can be found in my post "I am a survivor". (I don´t know too many other people that have a hole in their head for example) So that can be the number one fact.

2.When I get really upset I beat up my bed and scream into my pillow

3.During the weekends I quite often eat chocolate for breakfast :)

4.I grew up in a small town with 10.000 people. When I was a kid, I seriously belived that the town was the capital of Finland :)

5. I am afraid of ghosts and spirits. Last night for example I woke up in the middle of the night and I was certain I was not alone and I kept hearing noices in the apartment all the time. I lied awake for more than an hour. Today I spoke with one of my workmates who told about a friend of hers that have had an even more horrific experience. She was alone in her boyfriends house and suddenly she heard the door into the house open and she also heard footsteps, she waited for her bf to come in to their bedroom but he never came. She got up to see where he was and realized that the house was empty. Then she saw that the phone was off hook and there was the number 666, she tried to call the number and the signal went trough. The next day when she tried calling the number she just got the answer that the phonenumber does not exsist. Her boyfriend has seen a woman around the house, so he knows there is somebody in the house.....and no, I am not kidding, this has actually happend!! SPOOKY!

6.When I was a kid me and my cousin found a frog. We decided to wash it with soap because we thought it was so dirty. We were very suprised when the frog died.

7.I never iron my clothes, even if it would be needed.

8.After I have taken a shower I always need to stand still with my towel around me and stare at the floor for a while. This makes me relax.

I am forwarding the challenge to: Lintin, Lillamej, Margareth, Butterfly, Maria, Simpel, Ella and Contessa

My 30:th birthday

Not taking into consideration one minor incident, my birthday was awesome! First of all, have you ever seen this big of a birthday bouqet of flowers before? I got 30 flowers for my 30th birthday from my BF. And if it is not obvious in the picture, I can tell you that we had to use my laundrybasket as a vase because they would not fit anywhere else. :)

The day was spent with my relatives who where here over the day from Finland. We had a very pleasent day with strolling around in the city, sitting in Kungsträdgården and just enjoying the last of the sun and then going back to my place for som eating and drinking. Even my amazing 85 year old grandmother came along, although she was very tired which is understandable.

During the whole day I was wearing my wonderful knitted witner dress that I bought for my birthday, I like the dress more and more.

In the evening all the other guests arrived and I have to say that 25 people in 30m2 makes the furniture and floor to disappear, you just saw people, people everywhere and everyone was trying to speak louder than everybody else.

I was still so very happy that so many people came, and what impressed me even more where the ones that came all the way from Finland just to see little me....I got some good presents. I got a photoalbum from our adventures from my BF, 1500kr from a goup of my friends for the tattoo I am going to make in the end of the year, a great necklace from my dad and a beautiful plate from my relatives.

It was an exhausting day, but it was a day to remember and I am going to remember all the happy faces, the loud voices, the good food, my good friends and the love in my life.
PS. I am SOOO happy we did most of the cleaning last night, it was a mess!