html coding

Becoming a bit better....Still more work to do... Apperantly it does not look as good on other computers as mine....need to investigate...

Html code

The weather is crappy outside, so I started playing with the html code on my blog. I still need to create a better header and yes I know, the blog is very messy right now, but have patience, it will get better :)

Stay

Sometimes you just want to fly away,
but you stay,
because you want everything to be ok...

Nightmare 2

I had a nightmare last night. I was dreaming that I was in my childhood town and I was hanging out with my family. The feeling in the dream was horrible. First I am let down by my dad in the same way as I was in reality, I feel the same feelings of confusion, sadness and unisgnificanse, but then the dream continues. In my dream my mum is alive, although she is way more beautiful and younger, she does not even look like herself. My BF is also around and we have an argument and I start thinking about his ex, Bianca. My mum apperantly reminds him of his ex and he says that she behaves exactly like her and he asks why I can´t behave in the same way? I feel that something is wrong but I cannot put my finger on it. I go back to visit with my friends and dont think about it. Then I give him a call, and while I am talking to him I am walking into his bedroom, and while I am walking I see him and my mum on his bed, snuggled up together, and I ask him if he is choosing my mum and he says yes.
I run out of the room, I am crying my eyes out, I am feeling desperate, confused, lost and betrayed. I sit down and talk with a friend of mine who tells me to cheer up, I can´t belive she is telling me that. I run away to buy some sushi while I am still crying and feeling really bad. My realtives are suddenly around me and my dad is there. I feel no compassion from my dad, I feel some compassion from my relatives, but there is nothing they can do. I make one of my cousines call my BF and ask if he is sure about his choice and he just says I don´t know and refuses to talk to me. I feel so let down and I feel like there is nothing I can do about it. Then I wake up.
..........................
mardröm

Feeling better

I am feeling better, I am becoming myself......going to Helsinki today and home to Stockholm tomorrow...

Rain and vacation

What are you supposed to do when the rain is pouring down outside and you have vacation? I guess I might find it cosy if I would be at home, but now when I am visiting my relatives I am caught in a house as a guest. As a guest you cannot organize your closet, clean your bathroom or do other useful things that you would do at home.
My small summetown is more like a watertown right now and I feel quite bored....Tomorrow or the day after I will go to Helsinki, don´t know if that is going to help my boredom....I am going to go and read a book.
..............
regn, semester

Archipelago

I am back in my hometown where I lived for my first 20 years. It is a small summertown with about 10.000 people and it is very beautiful in many ways. I always get a bit anxious when I get back here as I feel I get too close to the past. But this time I am trying to just stay calm and I am trying to not get sucked into the bad emotions. So far I have been able to keep a distance between my past and the person I am today, although I feel it is really hard.
When I was a kid we were a lot out in the archipelago with my cousin and her family. It has been many years since last time I was out in the archipelago with them, but yesterday I got the chance to go out with them again and it was very nice.
The time I spent on the ocean and on the islands as a child are actually some of the happiest memories I have from childhood (feels good to think about the happy memories too :)). We spent so much time out in the archipelago that I know the shapes and the looks of most of the islands. I remember having seagrass fights, fishing, walking around the islands, frog hunting, being scared of snakes, swimming, sun, waves, eating donuts and drinking soda and just having a generally good feeling.
I just love the ocean, it makes me feel calm.
..................
skärgården, havet

A summer day

Yesterday me and a friend of mine barbecued on my roof terrace. It went a lot better than you would assume from the picture. :) Considering neither of us had barbecued before and we randomly got scared of setting the house on fire, the food tasted excellent and it was awesome to have some real scandinavian summer food. Real scandinavian summer food is barbecued meat, sallad and fresh potatoes.
In the evening I went with my boyfriend to the Stockholm Jazz Festival and we listened to the wonderful swedish artist Laleh, I have never heard her before, even if she is pretty big here in Sweden. I reallly liked her, in my opinion she was a mix between Lisa Ekdahl and Bjork. Her stage apperance was a bit of Tomas di Leva, but it still worked for her. I am definetly going to buy her CD.
The main artist of the evening was Ziggy Marley. It is the closest I have ever gotten to Bob Marley, as I saw his son on stage :) I thought quite a lot about how it must have been and how it must have felt to listen to Bob Marley when he was still alive and when the hippie movement was at is biggest, it must definetly have been a great experience.
Anyway, it was a good day!
...................
grilling, sommar, musik

Roof terrace top ten list

My top ten list about my newly found roof terrace. :)
1) You have sun from early morning until late evening (unless it is cloudy of course)
2) It is pretty much bugs fee beacuse it is so high up
3) You have a 360 degree view of stockholm
4) You can sunbathe nude if you feel like it
5) Hardly anybody is ever there so you can be there by yourself most of the time
6) No disturbing people or kids around you that keep screaming in you ear.
7) In the wintertime you can go up there and make a snowman
8) As it is so high up you will usually feel a breeze and you won´t get too sweaty
9) It is so close to home so if you are tight on time you can still easily get up there and get some sun.
10) I can take silly pictures without anybody seeing me. :)

My roof terrace!

I made a great finding the other day. We have a roof tearrace in our house!! Imagine how happy I got as I don´t have a balcony or anyhting, but now I can sit on the roof, with a view of the whole Stockholm, do some painting, do some reading, do some sunbathing or whatever else I want. HAPPY! :)
....................
takterass

The Ocean

My Love said to me today: "You need to think about us as the ocean, sometimes it is stormy, sometimes it is calm and sometimes there are waves, but it is still....always....the ocean"

I love the ocean more than anything, but that is not the only reason why I felt this was such a good thing to hear. I guess I usually forget that even if the ocean behaves differently and gives you different challenges, it is still always the ocean....Need to keep reminding myself of that.

My nude selfportrait

My painting is finally done, This is the first painting I have done in I don´t know how many years. The last one I painted maybe five years ago or something.
This one is painted with watercolours from a picture we took in Italy. I guess it is ok considering how many years it is since I last painted :)
.............
konst, skönhet

Clothes

Today I have been wearing my high heel shoes, a pink tight shirt and a thight black penskirt. It is interesting how I actually do feel different wearing theese clothes, not only does the shoes make me even taller, but I feel different myself also.
I usually like to wear comfortable clothes, like comfortable flat shoes, a cotton dress, soft trousers and a warm sweater if it is cold, etc.. This does not sound very sexy, and most of the time it is not, although you can make it sexy also ;) But wearing clothes that are worn just to make yourself beautiful and that are not neccessarily comfortable does feel different. I don´t know how to describe it, but I guess one way of saying it would be that the comfortable clothes should be worn when you want to be your own best friend and you don´t neccessarily need so much attention from other people. Businesslike clothes with a hint of sexiness are not neccessarily comfortable, but could be worn when you need more attention or if you want to make some kind of statement. It is definetly a power suit.
But still, I do think that comfortability will always be more important for me than showing off for other people. It is a whole world of clothing codes out there, and it might worth digging into it more at some point.
..................
Kläder, mode, skönhet

Where does the line go between unconditional love and setting boundaries? I mean, I do feel that you can love unconditionally but still have boundaries and limits of what you think is ok or not.
In my opinion unconditional love is about making that person feel that he/she is ok as he/she is, but that can be done without accepting everything that the other person says, right? I mean if you never disagree with that person or have different opinions from him or her, you will loose yourself and then you will be miserable, or at least I would be. But I guess the keyword is respect and values. If you have respect for eachother and you have the same values, then you will be alright. Then you also know that having different opinions doesn´t mean that you are not loyal to eachother, it just means that you are honest enough to disagree.
I guess a good example would be a mum and her child. She has to set boundaries for him/her but she is still loving her child unconditionally, a little bit of though love is needed just for the childs best.
When thinking a bit more about unconditional love and reading the article I linked to my post yesterday I realize that I am not THAT bad. There are some issues that I still need to work on, but I could have a lot more conditions on the people I love than I actually have.
..............
kärlek, rättvisa

Three more days and then I have vacation for three weeks...just making a statement :)

Relationships

Life is not fair.
This is definetly something I have learned during my life. But it is hard to know, or at least for me, when to stand up for yourself and when you need to back off.
I belive that each and every person are allowed to be as they are, as long as they are not hurting anyone else. I was hurt yesterday by a person close to me. That person said things that are not ok according to my values and also attacked me personally for beliveing what I do. I can understand that person but at the same time I don´t. This person just went way too far....
When being unfairly treated, I do think it is important to stand up for yourself, but you also need to rememeber that life is not always fair and you cannot always get the justice you deserve or you want. This can make you feel extremly crappy, sad, helpless, useless and scared, so how do you handle that situation? I think that a lot of the times you cannot affect the outside factors, so you need to focus on yourself as you is sometimes the only thing you have the power of. I am trying to learn this myself. I spent most of my childhood trying to change my home enviroment and heal my mum because I thought it was unfair that "everybody else" had it better. I wasn´t able to change it, and it made me feel terrible. I SO much wanted things to change and all my focus was on my mum and everything around me. I forgot about myself, maybe the only thing that I could have done something about.
So, what I need to remember: Life is not fair but the only one who will stand up for yourself is you. I think you should always try to do the right thing and that might sometimes mean not getting the justice you feel you deserve. I think it becomes dangerous when you loose your values and maybe slip down to the other persons level who is hurting you, because that is only creating a vicious circle. You need to learn how to feel like a winner without justice, you need to know that how the other person who hurts you sees you, is not defining YOU. You need to learn your limits and when to say stop. You need to take care of yourself first and foremost. You need to trust yourself.

Going down the memory lane

My love bought a huge amount of LP albums for very cheap yesterday. We have´nt had time to really go trought all of them yet, but I was looking trough one of the boxes earlier today. Most of the LP´s are from the 70´s and the 80´s which means that there is a huge amount of my childhood music and memories in there.
I wouldn´t say that my musictaste was great when I was a kid. I remember that the first casette I ever owned was Sandra, the second Madonna and the third Samantha Fox. The thought of Samantha Fox always makes me smile. When I was a kid I did´nt understand that she was considered a sexsymbol, neither what she was really singing about. :) Imagine this: I am eight years old, I don´t know any english, but I am still trying to sing along to all the songs. I am sitting in the living room and my parents are watching TV. I have my headphones on while I am listening, as I don´t want to disturb my parents. I have a blanket over my head beacuse I don´t want them to see me while I am singing to the music (for some reason I did not think that this was disturbing my parents). My favourite song wa s "touch me" by Samantha Fox, and I sang along as if I understood what i was singing about. I did not know how to pronounce "touch me" so I sang "tasch me" instead. My dad tried to correct me, but I was certain I was right and kept on singing tasch me :) So there I used to sit, under the blanket, listening to my music, rewinding the tape and singing along with an uncomprehensible english :)
I saw a Samantha Fox LP in one of the boxes I searched trough today. I think I have to listen to "touch me" later tonight, and maybe my BF even will get to listen to some quality sing-a-long to that song ;)
............
barndom, musik

Serenity

I just LOVE this picture....I took it in Norrland during midsummer, and I could just sit down and stare at it, and I wish I could be there again...

Sunny, sunnier, sunniest

I just feel like writing about random stuff that is not so emotionally loaded. So, lets talk about vacation. I am saving at least two weeks for the winter as I really need to go travelling somewhere warm in the middle of the cold and dark winter. I have done this for probably 15 years and last year I did not travel to the sun, and let me tell you, it is not something that I am going to do again. I NEED my sun in the winter. And anyway, it feels like a lot better alternative to have a longer vacation in the winter, when you can go to Asia and South America and you can be 99% sure that the sun WILL be shining. When having a long vacation here in the Nordic countries you can never be sure that the weather will be good. This summer for example seems to be very unstable. We can all end up having rain during our whole vacation or we might get lucky and get a lot of sun. But just the fact that is uncertain is a stressfactor, and the disappointment is enormous if you have to go back to work, your vacation is over, and you have had maybe two days of sun.
But I am trying to enjoy the sun when it is here, the weather is uncontrollable, so I need to let go of my control :)
...................
Semester, sol, resa

The EU comission and "Love"

I read an interesting article in a newspaper today. The art institution at the EU comission is promoting European movies with "a soft porn commercial", as some people call it, and this video has already been seen by 1,3 million viewers.
This seems to be a very controversial subject. And in a way I can understand that some people get upset, although I don´t personally find the video that extreme, rather the opposite, I have to admit that I like the video. But howcome can EU not use sex for promoting themselves when a very big amount of the commercials seen in different medias, all over the world, are using very sexually oriented material?
Sex sells, that is a fact, a fact that has become even more evident with EU´s 44 second long video. I guess some people think that EU needs to be a bit more conservative considering that they are representing Europe, but why? Europe is already famous for being quite liberal, so why be a hypocrit and claim that we are something that we are not?
I salute Margot Wallström who had the courage to use this video to promote European Movies, and like we all know, no publicity is bad publicity ;)

................
EU komissionen, Love

Nightmare

I had a dream, or a nightmare last night. I was somewhere at some friends place and there was this creepy guy around his forties that had yellow fingernails with dirtlines underneath them. He had dirty yellow teeth and he had a big grin on his face all the time. He kept wanting to touch me and I kept pushing him away, and I was able to do that because he was smaller than me.
When I was on my way home I had to walk over a big courtyard and I hesitated if I should do that or if I should try to walk some other way because I knew he would be watching me. I decided to walk another way and when I saw my apartment, I saw that the lighs were on (the apartment was on the first floor) and he was in it, naked. He saw me and I tried to hide at the corner of the house, but then I knew I had to run and I called the police. I was running and I knew he was after me and I kept talking to the police and he kept asking questions until I asked him to come and help me....then I got complete silence, and I kept asking over and over again for him to come and help me, but all I got was silence.
Then I woke up.
...................
mardröm

Helpless and useless

I feel anxiety, sadness and fear. My love is having a hard time right now and I am suffering with him. The only problem is that he is shutting me out, he is not letting me into his world and I don´t know what to do. I can´t do anything to help him and he knows that.
I don´t know how to handle the situation and I am so afraid that he is not going to want to be in this life anymore. I am so scared and I feel so useless.
His situation is affected by outside factors that is making him feal fear, probably a overwhelming fear that is taking control of him. I wish I could be in his mind so that I could help him get control of his thoughts and his feelings. I wish that I could be like soft silk smoothing upp all the harsh emotions tearing him apart. I wish I could be a samurai warrior that could slay the dragons that are buring his heart with fire. I wish I could be an angel that would have the power to take away all the bad things. But I am none of this....I am just a normal human being trying to do her best, and her best is not enough....it is not even close to enough.
Tears are falling down on my cheeks, I feel like screaming, I wish somebody could take this feeling of helplessness away from me, but nobody can. Nobody can help me help him....
.......................
rädsla, depression, hjälplöshet, kärlek

High heels!

I have never in my soon 30 years long life used shoes with as much heel as theese ones, belive it or not!
I am quite a tall girl and I have always felt that I don´t need to get any taller than I am, but today I have walked in my first high heel shoes ever! :) It has actually been very liberating as I really felt like a woman and I felt like it doesn´t matter that much that I am tall. All the compliments I got both from female and male workers made me feel even more confident and I am definetly going to use high heels again.
But I do need to admit that I am a bit of a wimp, I had to change to shoes with no heels in the end of the day as my feet were hurting too much :)
....................
skor, mode, skönhet