My Mothers Death

My mother died about four years ago. When it finally happend it was a relief, but the road to the feeling of relief was not easy.
I was travelling in Vietnam with my "best friend" when I got a call from my dad. Instantly I knew that the call was about my mum. He told me that she was in the hospital and asked me to come home earlier from Vietnam. I asked him if my mums condition was serious and he started crying and said yes....
I remember thinking: "the time has come, the end is near". My "best friend" got even more upset about what was going on than I did, but she was more upset about our holiday ending sooner than planned and I ended up trying to calm her down... I asked the hotel we were staying at if I could call my mum at the hospital, and they allowed me eventhough I did´nt have enough money with me.
Before my mum got into the hospital her brains were pretty damaged. It was impossible to have a normal conversation with her as she did not understand what you said to her. I had´nt been too much in contact with her over the last two years as I had given up on her ever getting better. When I called her from the hotel in Vietnam I was crying and I told her I loved her for the first time ever. She replied with an annoyed voice that she doesn´t belive me. It hurt me so much to hear those words and I felt she did not give me the opportunity to say goodbye to her....
Anyway, I was able to get home from Vietnam a couple of days earlier than planned. My aunt came and picked me up and we went straight to the hospital. I did not recognize my mum when I first saw her at the hospital, I thought she was some old strange lady and I told the nurse that it she was not my mum. She went and asked somebody and came back and told me that I was wrong, it was my mum...She looked so old and her face had aged ten years in five weeks, At this point she was also too sick to ever be awake again.
The next day I went to see her at the hospital again. I wished that she would have been awake so that I could have said goodbye to her, I wished that she would have known that I did love her and I forgave her. I wanted to tell her that I knew the pain she felt and I wanted to apologize to her for not being the daughter she wanted. I wanted to apologize for all the times I had been mean to her and made her cry, I wanted to apologize for not kissing her and hugging her more and telling her that I appreciated her. I wanted to apologize for leaving her alone, for not understanding her misery and pain. I wanted to say that I wish I could have saved her and I that I missed her. She never heard those things from me and it tears me apart that our roads parted without a proper goodbye...
Dispite all the pain she caused me, she was my mother and I miss her and I wish she could have been happy. I am not sure we would ever have been good friends or even friends at all, but it might have been possible if she would have been happy with her life.
When talking to her in the hospital, feeling the smell of death pouring out of her, hearing her barely breath, seeing her very gray hair and knowing that she was never going to se her grandchildren or me getting married broke my heart. But during a few seconds when I was talking to her I saw her lips move as if she was trying to say something, I´d like to think that she heard me and that she wanted to tell me she loved me. I´d like to think she knew I was there, I´d like to think that she forgave me, I´d like to think we had the moment I craved for even if it was just for a few seconds.
I left the hospital to come back after a few hours, but I never had the chance. She died shortly after this.
At this time I needed the support of my best friend more than ever, but she betrayed me. She could not handle my sorrow and she was not capable of just spending time with me so she left me to be all alone in my sorrow....our friendship ended there.
............
sorg, död, mor, alkoholsim