Till Pappa
It is maybe about a year ago since I made my last try to try to make you understand how much I miss you and how much I wish that you would be a part of my life. In my mind I have doubts that you really love me because I hardly ever from you, but I am trying to convince myself that I am wrong. People tell me that you smile when I am around and you look proud and happy when you talk about me, but I seem to be blind to that myself. The only thing I feel is tention and fear of me saying the wrong things that would upset your wife.
I know you must have had a hellish living with mum during all those years and I know you don´t want to think about it and youd rather just forget. But it feels like you are punishing me for feeling bad. It feels like I am reminding you of the horror you lived trough and that is why you are avoiding me. I feel like it it my fault that you have the pain you have.
I guess I could also take the initiative and call you more often, but I can´t bring myself to do it as I still feel like the little girl that just wishes that you would show some attention to her and make her feel like her exsitens has a meaning.
You have your new family now, with your new wife and her adult daughters. I know you are the dad I wish you would be to me, to them, and it tears me apart whenever I think about it. I know it is also circumstances, they live in the same town and they have children that you often take care. Your new wife does not like me very much and I know me coming into town quite often cause tention between the two of you and I guess that is my fault.
I just feel like I don´t have a family and I miss you so much. I feel I am not worthy of your love and attention as I hardly ever hear from you and that also makes me think I am not worthy of anybody elses love. I wish I could feel that I belong somewhere, I wish I could feel that I belong to your new family and that I am loved as I am, but I don´t.
I happy for you that you are happy dad, and I know you would have been miserable without your new wife, so I really think this is the best thing that could have happend to you. My heart is filled with love for you and I feel selfish for feeling sad for myself, but just remember that my heart is filled with a warm and fuzzy feeling for you. And just know that whenever I hear from you, even if it is just a hello on the msn, it means the world to me...
............
pappa, sorg, saknad
I know you must have had a hellish living with mum during all those years and I know you don´t want to think about it and youd rather just forget. But it feels like you are punishing me for feeling bad. It feels like I am reminding you of the horror you lived trough and that is why you are avoiding me. I feel like it it my fault that you have the pain you have.
I guess I could also take the initiative and call you more often, but I can´t bring myself to do it as I still feel like the little girl that just wishes that you would show some attention to her and make her feel like her exsitens has a meaning.
You have your new family now, with your new wife and her adult daughters. I know you are the dad I wish you would be to me, to them, and it tears me apart whenever I think about it. I know it is also circumstances, they live in the same town and they have children that you often take care. Your new wife does not like me very much and I know me coming into town quite often cause tention between the two of you and I guess that is my fault.
I just feel like I don´t have a family and I miss you so much. I feel I am not worthy of your love and attention as I hardly ever hear from you and that also makes me think I am not worthy of anybody elses love. I wish I could feel that I belong somewhere, I wish I could feel that I belong to your new family and that I am loved as I am, but I don´t.
I happy for you that you are happy dad, and I know you would have been miserable without your new wife, so I really think this is the best thing that could have happend to you. My heart is filled with love for you and I feel selfish for feeling sad for myself, but just remember that my heart is filled with a warm and fuzzy feeling for you. And just know that whenever I hear from you, even if it is just a hello on the msn, it means the world to me...
............
pappa, sorg, saknad
4 comments:
Jag grät när jag läste det här. Du skriver så rakt på, ärligt och öppet. Jag saknar också min pappa, jag saknar många i min familj.
Önskar jag kunde skriva så träffande och bra som du, min text blir alltid så dimmig och lite dunkel men, det har väl med en själv att göra kanske. Mina är dimmiga och sökande, dina är klara men också sökande (som jag förstår det) och jag känner igen mig i mycket av det du skriver.
Jag är glad för att du gav dig till känna på min blogg, så jag kan få läsa dina värdefulla nerskrivna tankar här. Det hjälper och inspirerar mig, tack.
Kram till dig!
jag skriver för att lära känna mig själv och hjälpa mig själv. Om jag dessutom samtidigt kan hjälpa ch inspirera dig så blir den ju guld värd!
Kram! :)
Vilket fint brev! Hoppas din pappa uppskattar dina fina tankar om honom. Men det är aldrig ett barns fel. Aldrig, aldrig, aldrig. Det är föräldrarnas ansvar. Du har inga skyldiheter mot din pappa, bara rättigheter. Han ska vara tacksam för att du vill och kan älska honom. Inte tvärtom.
Jag hoppas att du kan gå vidare i livet och komma till den punkt där jag är, att bli neutral. Att inte älska inte hata. Då menar jag inte, inte känna. Utan bara sträcka på sig och säga, det var inte mitt fel. Då kommer du att må så mycket bättre och känna dig likvärdig när du träffar honom. Hans fru verkar svartsjuk och avundsjuk på dig. Hon är väl rädd för att hon inte kan konkurera med dig, i din och din pappas förhållande. Hon är inte värd din ångest.
Sköt om dig! Tänk på dig själv!
Kram!
Jo, det kan nog stämma vad du säger om hans nya fru...jag hoppas han skulle uppskatta mina ord, men fast han har adressen till min blogg så tror jag inte han läser den, tyvärr...och ja, det är också mitt mål att bli neutral, men det krävs lite arbete innan dess....
Kram!
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