why?

My Love (yes, he is still my love) is so closed up in himself that he is impossible to reach.
He twists and turns my words into something that I don´t mean, and I don´t know how to reach him. I feel like whatever I say, it is wrong. I feel like there is no way of me to get him to hear me.
He feels like I judge him and dont accept him as he is, that is wrong! I accept him as he is, but his sickness makes him destuctive, and it is destructive for me and our relationship. That is not always so easy to handle.
He says he is the one who has been there for me, and I have not been there for him. Who was it then that have been there massaging his fingers and head to make him feel better when he wanted to die? Who has cooked him dinners every weekend just so that he would eat something. Who has paid for a trip to Amsterdam for his birthday? Who has told him he is the best in the world and that he is so much more than his decease? Who has hugged him when he has cried and said he doesnt want to live anymore? Who has taken him to different shows just so he would get some more positive experiences in his life? Who ran to his place and left everything else when he felt sad?
And no, I am not trying to say that I have been perfect, I have my faults too, and I have done my mistakes and I have my problems, but I have apologized for those mistakes and tried to make up for them.
My heart is breaking, I feel it, and it hurts likea thousand knives pushing trough my flesh...