monekys in the trees

aaah....what a weekend. I have spent the weekend with the nudists and his brother and girlfriend out on an island. Yesterday we took a boat out to one of the unhabited islands and yesterday we have spent the day on the island we lived on. Sharon and I took a walk to the beach trough the jungle and suddenly we see some monkeys in the trees, and they were so cute, there was one baby with them and one of them had a even smaller baby on her stomach. We just watched them as they wer peacefully moving ahead in the trees. Last came the dad, and he had a different attitude, naive as we were, we continued watching him. he watched us....for a while, and then he starts making all theese noices and suddenly he is about to attack us! We freak out and dont know what to do, but start walking away from there and he stops. I have heard that monkeys can be really aggressive and I have even been bit by one in Thailand (and gotten 5 rabies shots) so I have respect for them. Anyway, we walk to our beach and discover that the monkeys have followed us! The male keeps making theese gorilla noices and it seems like he is calling more males there, because soon we hear quite a few gorillas screaming in the trees, we stand in the water and are afraid of getting our stuff on the beach, it was actually kind of funny... :) Anyway, soon the monkeys realize that we are not going to hurt them and they fall asleep in the trees...we sneak away from the beach while they are sleeping :)
Tomorrow I will go to the town of David and that is where I will most likely spend my new year....we'll see :)

Boquette

Well, I ended up to take the bus to David already yesterday. The nudist couple came and pick me up and I am now at the husbands brothers house in Boquette. It is a VERY nice place and it feels like a luxury hotel (might try to publish some pictures later)Today they are taking me to an island and we are staying there overnight, I am really looking forward to that. After theese couple of days, I think I will take a few days just for myself, I feel I need that before I go home, have'nt been suffering too much of loneliness while being here, but it has been great, and I can't belive I have met so many nice people who are just taking me everywhere :)See you in a couple of days!

Horrible night

Yesterday I went to a beach to meet a couple of people I met in Contadora. We had a nice evening with some chatting and then it was time to go to bed. Everything was fine until I started hearing some strange noices, I wonder what it is, but don't think anything more about it. Then it continues and I turn on the lights and I see a mouse or a rat, I am not sure which it was as it was so big. I kind of freak about it, but think that it will go away. I leave the porch light on to have some light in the room and to be able to see what is going on. Maybe that was a mistake? I soon realize that I have at least three giant mice in my room, and maybe more. I turn on the lights and leave the lights on...I can tell you, that I did not get anymore sleep that night (and I paid 45 dollars for that room!!).Now I am back in the city again and I am struggling to find a place to live in during new year, I would not like to be in the city, but EVERYTHING else is fully booked, belive it or not. It is kind of a disappointment as I would have liked to stay on some of the islands or on some of the beaches, but there are no rooms free... :/ It is kind of annoying and frustrating, but it will solve itself out somehow....We'll see...ps. (this day has been filled with bad luck, hope tomorrow is better)

My christmas

I had a wonderful christmas. The family that I am staying with are so nice and they have so much love for eachother that some of it even gets to me :)We had this amazing christmas dinner yesterday with good meat, coconut rise with raisins, sweet plantana and an amazing cake. Of course we drank homemade sangria to the dinner. After dinner we waited for the fieworks to start and then it was time to walk around to all he neighbours and wish merry christmas. Before twelve o clock it is apperantly family time and after that it is party time. One of the neighbours had his big sound systme on his yard and he played very loud christmas music before twelve o clock and then it was time for samba and salsa music all night long :)

Helping to cook dinner :)

The wonderful christmas dinner

My panamian family :)

Merry Christmas!

So this is christmas....the christmas eve is already over in Scandinavia and I am feeling a bit nostalgic....Anyway, right now I am in a Panamaian home as they have invited me to spend christmas with them, without even knowing me. Apperantly christmas is not that big of a thing here in Panama and they all wait for the clock to be twelve o clock as they then can welcome christmas. Apperantly they also have fireworks on christmas night so they wait for that.
The whole family is out buying food for dinner right now and I am here bymyself, having the first calm moment since I came here. A bit of sadness comes over me when thinking of past christmas eve, love, and past and future....Christmas has always been hard for me, but I have a few good memories from christmas also, and somehow those seem to be hurting the worst right now...Life is so strange sometimes and I guess this is just one of those days when you are extra sensitive to a lot of things.
Anyway, hope you all had a good christmas and we will see what this chirstmas brings to me :)

Rain and rain

Today it has been raining cats and dogs from heaven, so not too much beachlife today....I have spent most of my time with the two nudists, who has adopted me as their daugther by the way ;), even though the husband keeps hitting on me all the time which is kind of annoying.Tomorrow I am heading up to Panama City again. I have met so many nice people during my few days here and I am going to stay the womans (who I met on my way to Panama) friends house and spend christmas with them. Then the two nudists are heading the same way as I am on the 26th and they have offered me a ride and also a bed to sleep for a couple of nights in at the husbands brothers house. Might take up on that offer.It is going to be interesting to see what christmas brings this year. The woman from the plane told me that they eat ham also here in Panama, but instead of covering it with mustard they cover it with brown sugar and pineapples.....interesting :)

Contadora

Today I have gotten a bit sunburnt. I have spent the whole day on a nudist beach (called the sweedes beach) with a nudist couple from Texas, who are around 50 years old (yes I know, most of the people I have met are around that age) I was not brave enough to get naked but they were and we had some nice talks on the beach. :)
Contadora is a beautiful island, but not very developed.When I landeed on the island in the small propellerplane we came in, I felt like I was getting into the TV show Lost, I seriously suspect is has been filmed womewhere around here because is look so similar. There are no cars on the island, so you move around in a golfcart, or walking. Today it has been probably around 35 degrees warm so I can tell you it was VERY hot to walk to and from the beach.

Cloudy Panama City

The weather has not been that great today, but I still did get to make a nice walk to causeaway. It was nice to get out of the city and just be more in the nature and closer to the ocean. I chatted for a short while with a finnish woman who was 65-70 years old and she was going to travel around in central and south america for half a year on her own! I did not have time to talk with her enough to hear her story and where she had found the courage to that at her age, but I have to say I do admire her.
Today I am going to Contadora, and at least I will have a place to sleep in tonight. Hopefully also a couple of more nights, but that is a bit uncertain as everything seems to be very full now before christmas, but it will work itself out....hopefully ;)

Almost on my way...

Can´t belive it....I am actually set to go...or almost, have some small things still to pack, and need to do the dishes and so on, but I am on my way!
I discovered that there was no need for a transit visa, so I did not need to worry, I could probably even stay at a hotel over night near the airport, but I am not sure if I find it worth it to pay 1000 kr just for sleeping a few hours....but we´ll see.
I don´t think that I have quite understood yet that I am actually going to Panama, but maybe I´ll understand it once I am there when it is so hot that I can´t wear jeans ;)
Anyway, one season of Heroes can be found on my IPOD, I have snacks, books and a pillow with me, so I will be fine :)

Hard to understand...

Nothing said, so that nothing that can be held against me, but....sometimes people make it really hard to even like them.....

sweet dreams...

Sweet dreams are made of this
Who am I to disagree?
Travel the world and the seven seas
Everybody's looking for something
Some of them want to use you
Some of them want to get used by you
Some of them want to abuse you
Some of them want to be abused

No transit visa

F*?CK!! I am panicking again. One of my colleeges told me that he had a transfer flight in the US and his wife had an old passport, and they had problems getting trough.I don´t have a transit visa, and I would not need to have one if I would have one of those new passports, but I have an old one, and I am not sure what the policy is with an old passport. I have been calling around all day and looking up info on the net, and I am getting mixed messages. The american embassy has not been open today, and they are the only ones who can give a definite answer.A transit visa should apperantly be issued immediately, so if I need one, I can hopefully get one on monday.Damn it! I am nervous about not being able to travel to Panama at all..... :/

today....1,5 years since we met...but no anniversary.
I have not stopped caring, I have not stopped thinking,
but I can´t change life.
Letting go of someone you love is one of
the hardest things a person has to do.

Living

The sun has fallen and I’ve become
The lonely one

The moon is dancing among the clouds
And my knees are shaking,
And my dreams are breaking
But I know I live
But I know I live, today

Trip Planning

I booked my trip to Panama about a month ago. It was´nt until a few days ago that I really took a good look at my booking. I have been so disconnected to the world that I have´nt really been aware of anything....anyway, I got a small unpleasent suprise when looking at my flights, I have to wait at JFK (New York) for 12 HOURS!!! and as if that would not be bad enough, I will be there in the middle of the night!! Sigh....I booked a hotel near the airport, but then realized that because I dont have a transit visa to US or anything I probably wont be able to leave the airport during theese 12 hours....oh well, I need to call the american embassy tomorrow and see what the conditions are, but most likely I will be stuck in the airport for 12 hours and having to sleep on the floor in some corner. But this will be ok, it is not like it would be the first time I am doing it.
Then my colleeges also gave me a big scare about my passport. The passport has to be valid for six months after travelling, and I was not sure about the exact rules on where you start counting the six months. My passport expires in July, but I called the finnish embassy and found out that the passport has to be valid 6 months from the day you arrive home, so I am safe, my passport is valid 6 months and 10 days after I arrive home, but yes, I am cutting it very close.... :/
Anyway, I just need to figure out the 12 hours in JFK and then I hopefully have everything set....keep your fingers crossed, and yes, I am going to start focusing more on my trip.

pain and pain and pain...

I have not written here so much lately, it is beacuse I have been feeling so sad for loosing the person who has been so close to me for such a long time, and it is the only thing I can think about. It is a very painful loss, and it is very hard to accept.
There has been so much sadness in my life theese last few months and it has been hard to handle, it has been all about keeping my head above the surface to avoid drowning. I really miss him...but nothing can change the situation as it is.

Dispair

I hate the fact that I am alone again and that I don´t belong anywhere.
I hate that I can´t hug him and cuddle him whenever I want.
I hate that I can´t talk with him every day.
I hate that I lost my closest friend.
I hate that life has to be so unfair.
I hate that all our common memories are just painful at the moment.
I hate that everything is painful at the moment.
I hate that I think about him all the time.
I hate that love has to hurt so much.

Sometimes people come into your life..

Sometimes people come into your life and you know
right away that they were meant to be there, to serve
some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson, or to help
you figure out who you are or who you want to become.

You never know who these people may be - a roommate, a
neighbor, a professor, a friend, a lover, or even a
complete stranger - but when you lock eyes with them,
you know at that very moment they will affect your
life in some profound way.

Sometimes things happen to you that may seem horrible,
painful, and unfair at first, but in reflection you
find that without overcoming those obstacles you would
have never realized your potential, strength,
willpower, or heart.

Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness,
and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of
your soul. Without these small tests, whatever they
may be, life would be like a smoothly paved straight
flat road to nowhere. It would be safe and
comfortable, but dull and utterly pointless.

The people you meet who affect your life, and the
success and downfalls you experience, help to create
who you are and who you become. Even the bad
experiences can be learned from. In fact, they are
sometimes the most important ones.

If someone loves you, give love back to them in
whatever way you can, not only because they love you,
but because in a way, they are teaching you to love
and how to open your heart and eyes to things.

If someone hurts you, betrays you, or breaks your
heart, forgive them, for they have helped you learn
about trust and the importance of being cautious to
whom you open your heart.

Make every day count. Appreciate every moment and take
from those moments everything that you possibly can
for you may never be able to experience it again. Talk
to people that you have never talked to before, and
listen to what they have to say.

Let yourself fall in love, break free, and set your
sights high. Hold your head up because you have every
right to. Tell yourself you are a great individual and
believe in yourself, for if you don't believe in
yourself, it will be hard for others to believe in
you.

You can make anything you wish of your life. Create
your own life and then go out and live it with
absolutely no regrets.

And if you love someone tell them, for you never know
what tomorrow may have in store.

Learn a lesson in life each day that you live! Today
is the tomorrow you were worried about yesterday. Was
it worth it?

author unknown

This is where I am going

Yep, this is where I am going in three weeks. Just took my vaccination and now I am just looking forward to almost three weeks of snorkling, islandhopping, swimming and relaxing....time to pamper myself...
Panama, here I come!

beautiful song

I just find this song so beautiful...and I also find it interesting how the person who has mixed this video has been able to transform the good feeling childrens movie Shrek to such a depressive movie....I guess it is all a matter how you see things.........

I am a fool...

Fear of loosing you

I did not sleep very well last night, I felt a lot of anxiety and fear. I am afraid that person I still love will not want to live anymore. I don´t know how I could live with that, if he would make that decision....I know it is not my responsibility to take, but I still do....Why does life have to be so unfair to some people, so that they even loose their will to live? It makes me so sad...

forgivness

I just found out that my dad is in hospital, he has a problem with his back and he is at the moment getting alot of painkillers and can´t really move.
I called him and he actually talked to me like he would to a friend, I don´t know if it was the painkillers or the boredom that got him to talk, but it felt really good. He talked to me about he was feeling, how the painkillers made him think that a dirtspot on the sheet was moving and how his wife needs to go for a heart examination next week.
Before I called, I wasn´t even sure if I wanted to call, as I felt a bit of the old bitterness towards him for not coming to visit me in the hospital when I had my second brainsurgery, but after talking with him I decided to forgive him for that. Now I am just happy that he talked to me and told me things about how he felt.
I am going to call him tomorrow again, and maybe I need to examine myself and some old unhealthy, unresolved feelings also... and maybe this could be a chance for us to improve our realtionship....keep your fingers crossed!

He picked up his stuff

He came and picked up his stuff from my place today and we exchanged keys.
We told eachother that we love eachother and we hugged eachother. while the tears were flowing down my cheeks.
I have been cyring so much that I can hardly see.
The pain is so great that I feel like puking and like I cant breath.

Love hurts and it tears me apart

Loving yourself...?

I have had an urge to write a post, and I don´t know why... Maybe it is because I have so many thoughts, memories and feelings flying around in my head.
I have been thinking about the last year and a half and the person who has been closest to me. There is a lot of feelings of love surrounding that person...
I have been thinking about my work, and how you have to be really good with people in order to succeed. How everybody can´t like you but you still need to find a way to get along with everybody.
I have been thinking about life and how I am growing and changing all the time. How I am getting closer and closer to the serenity I want to feel in my life, and how much I affect my own feelings.
I have been thinking about acceptance and what acceptance brings into you life. Acceptance is not the same as surrendering and I think that is not always so easy to understand.

I can´t really explain in words what I feel right now. But I will add a song from my past. This song is not linked to any person, this song is just linked to me, the young teenager 15 years ago, who longed for love and acceptance and who played this song on repeat, on high volume and sang along, and maybe for the first time felt that she loved and cared for herself....

Questions and funerals

Do you ever imagine your own funeral?
I am not asking because I am suicidal or want to die or anything, I am just asking because sometimes I imagine my own funeral. I wonder who would be there, I wonder if people would really be sad and I wonder how fast people would forget me?
Sometimes I also imagine a bad accident and I wonder who would come and visit me to the hospital, who would be the first one I would call and who would really worry about me?
I guess all of theese thoughts are about uncertanty of my meaning in mine and other peoples life. Do I put my permanent print on the people I meet or am I just like water on your body, you feel it when it is there, but when it is dry it is forgotten and untraceable?

Am I?
constantly moving and fastly disappearing as water
or
hard, stable and cold like a stone
or
hot and destructive as fire
or
never ending and forever exsisting like the everchanging sky
or
light and invisible but neccessary for living, like air
or

everything and nothing of the above...?
Who are you?

Good sides

I beat on myself alot. I tell myself why I am no good. I take responsibility for things that are not my responsibility. I always think about how I can improve myself some more. I always think that my partner is better than me. Why?

I am a considerate person who always think about other people.
I know there are two in a relationship, I am not the only one to blame.
I know I am not perfect and I am willing to work on myself
I am a good cook
I follow my own way instead of the societys
I can enjoy my own company
If I make a mistake, I take the responsibility and try to make sure I won´t do it again
I am quite generous if I can be
I know that the free things in life are the things that are most precious
I am adventerous and brave
I am quite intelligent
I am honest to myself and others
I am openminded and try to accept all people as they are
My intentions are always good, I never(I can get irritated and then have som negative thoughts) think in a mean and evil way

So there...I am also allowed to say good things about myself! Damn it!

Jokela shooting

For the eight people that died in the terrible massacre in Jokela.
Can´t belive that this has happend in my homecountry...

I feel

I feel the tears behind my eyes, but they are not running

I feel that pain in my chest, and it is not disappearing

I feel the coldness in my stomach, and it is making me feel sick

I feel the sadness in my head, and it is bringing me down

I feel everything I don´t want to feel.

helpless

I have no power, no power whatsoever on another persons life. I hardly have power over my own life. As I know this, why is then so hard to stand by a persons side who cannot see anything good in his life? Why do I still wish that I would have powers that I don´t have? Why do I find it so unfair that I cannot make a wish, a wish for a person to be happy, and knowing that the wish would come true?
I feel so helpless, and the feeling of helplessness destroys me, it breaks me down bit by bit, saying that if you are not a superhuman, if you cannot change this persons life, then you are unworthy.
Isnt there anything I can do? Can´t I do some magic?
No....I am just a dot....a small dot on a white paper, hardly noticable, uncapable of having any meaning.

Man cannot remake himself without suffering, for he is both the marble and the sculptor. ~Dr. Alexis Carrel

Confusing what is real..

crawling in my skin
these wounds they will not heal
fear is how I fall
confusing what is real

there's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
consuming/confusing
this lack of self-control I fear is never ending
controlling/I can't seem

to find myself again
my walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
so insecure

Alcoholism and Co-dependency

One of the biggest reason that the person around the alcoholic becomes co-dependent is because the alcoholics usually have a very strong tendency to blame all of their problems on the ones around them. "You made me feel bad, now it is your fault that I am going to drink", "You are selfish, it is your fault I drink", "No, I am not the one with a problem, YOU are", "You were not there for me, that is why I drink", etc.
Denial is the sister to co-dependency. The person living with one with the sickness wants more than anything for the person to open her or his eyes so that he or she can see her/his own problems and maybe take some action into solving them. When the denial in the sick person stays strong, the other person might start doubting her or himself, maybe the alcoholic is right? Maybe it is me? Maybe it actually is my fault? Maybe if I change myself I can get him/her to stop drinking? At that point you have given yourself powers that you don´t have. You have taken a responsibility that is not yours. YOU can not change the other person, the other person needs to do it him/herself....

I am and have always been powerless...I just need to belive in it also..the ghosts seems to hunt me forever and more...

Suffering

I suffer because I don´t want to loose you,
I suffer because I want you to be ok.

I suffer because I can´t find a solution,
I suffer because you don´t belive in my love for you.

I suffer because you suffer,
I suffer because I love you so much.

I suffer because I can´t save you,
I suffer because I am not enough.

I suffer because of the dream of a future were we both are happy,
I suffer because I am afraid....

First of all, BJ, thanks for your comment. You get where I am coming from...
My BF and I have talked, and cried, cried and talked. We are now trying to get some distance from eachother, and we are not going to see eachother for a couple of weeks, but we are going to keep in contact.
I have some issues within myself that I need to clarify. I need to understand my past and which emotions are from the past and which emotions are from the present. I need to understand my limits and my own needs.
I need to settle in myself.

Co-Dependency

Me...the most important person in my life?
I have decided that I am going to go to my first Al-Anon meeting (meeting for grown children to alcoholics) and see what I can get out from it.
The text belove describes how it can be to grow up in a family with alcoholism and how it can affect the child.

Why Be Codependent?
by Dr. Irene Matiatos

Why would anybody spend time and energy to control outcomes, while actively neglecting the inner self? How can they do this and not realize they are selling themselves short? The Why: they know no other way; the How: they received very good training early in life.

Any dysfunction in the family predisposes a child to codependent behavior. Children are biologically programmed to seek love and approval. They have to be cared for or they will die. When a parent or family member is dysfunctional, the child tends to focus on this person--rather than on enjoying a carefree and joyful kid existence. The child has to worry: if the caretaker does not care take, the child dies. For example, in an alcoholic home, little Sally has to worry about whether she can bring friends home - because daddy may be in a bad mood and embarrass her. Such events are training her in codependent thinking, the art of anticipating the other person. If mom is physically ill, Teddy has to worry about exerting her. Who would care for him if anything happened to her? If daddy is angry and controlling, Timmy needs to worry about pleasing him to avoid punishment and humiliation - and to get his conditional love and approval.

Children are naturally egocentric. That means that they see the world revolving around them. If mom and dad fight, children feel that it is somehow their fault. Julie may try to make her parents happy by getting straight As in school in an attempt to keep the parental marriage together. Another child may have an abusive, or simply overactive older sibling. Since the parents cannot be there at all times to police the situation, the younger sibling may learn to anticipate the sib's moods and to behave in ways that might increase the probability of "safety." Or, perhaps daddy is depressed. Jennifer may tiptoe around him wondering if he is unhappy because she is not good enough. And so on. In sum, codependent thinking tends to develop any time a child is growing up in a home where life is not care free. Often, addiction can be traced in the family tree of these dysfunctional families, whether there is an active addict in residence, or not. Nevertheless, these kids have an adult they have to worry about!

The codependent-in-training is taught to walk on eggshells. To ensure survival, the child learns to be extraordinarily sensitive in reading the moods and thoughts of others. The child learns very early to pay attention to and tiptoe around the dysfunctional family members - at the child's expense. These interactions take place silently, implicitly. The child learns to ignore the self's inner needs, instead pretending that all is OK.
.........
medberoende

White eyelashes

I have cried so much that the salt of my tears has created a white layer on my eyelashes.
I can´t sleep, I can´t eat, I feel like puking and I feel like crying all the time....

why?

My Love (yes, he is still my love) is so closed up in himself that he is impossible to reach.
He twists and turns my words into something that I don´t mean, and I don´t know how to reach him. I feel like whatever I say, it is wrong. I feel like there is no way of me to get him to hear me.
He feels like I judge him and dont accept him as he is, that is wrong! I accept him as he is, but his sickness makes him destuctive, and it is destructive for me and our relationship. That is not always so easy to handle.
He says he is the one who has been there for me, and I have not been there for him. Who was it then that have been there massaging his fingers and head to make him feel better when he wanted to die? Who has cooked him dinners every weekend just so that he would eat something. Who has paid for a trip to Amsterdam for his birthday? Who has told him he is the best in the world and that he is so much more than his decease? Who has hugged him when he has cried and said he doesnt want to live anymore? Who has taken him to different shows just so he would get some more positive experiences in his life? Who ran to his place and left everything else when he felt sad?
And no, I am not trying to say that I have been perfect, I have my faults too, and I have done my mistakes and I have my problems, but I have apologized for those mistakes and tried to make up for them.
My heart is breaking, I feel it, and it hurts likea thousand knives pushing trough my flesh...

.

Love and Hate, so close to eachother, so similar?
My Love is gone, his shoes no longer by my door....

.

Devil vs Angel??

It is interesting how you can be your own worst enemy.
We had a workshop with a project today, and afterwards we went out for dinner and to shoot some pool. Suddenly I just got into my head, that no, NOW I have to go home, and I went home. Even before I had stepped out from the poolhall I regretted my decision, as I would have wanted to stay longer and shoot some more pool. But I could not turn around as I had already said bye to everybody. I have been upset at myself for quite a while after this, although now I don´t really care about my decision.
I just can´t understand how I can want two opposite things at the same time?

Stillness....softness....serenity.
A warm bubblebath, a warm cup of tea, me.
Learning to dance, learning to express myself with my body.
Growing in my work, getting better.
Loving the one that loves me.
Life, up and down...down and up.



.

A letter to my long lost mum

Dear Mum,
It is quite many years since we have seen eachother, and even longer since we have really talked to eachother. Sometimes I still miss you, or I miss the mum that I wish you would have been. I know that you really loved me, but it was a twisted love you gave me. The greatest fear of yours was that I would stand on my own two feet and that I would not need you anymore. I stopped needing you long before you realized it, but I kept on dancing the dance of dependency, because that was the only dance I knew.
I still wish that I could really get to know you, that I could learn you desires, learn what made you happy, learn what made you sad, learn what you were afraid of, and learn who you really were. I ask people about you, but it seems like nobody really knew you, nobody really understood you ,except for your own mum, you two were really close.
I still carry your pain with me, Is it you who doesn´t want to let go, or is it me? In so many ways I feel like the only thing I have left of you is the pain you caused me, and when I don´t have that, I won´t have anything, my mum will be gone...You left a hole in me, a hole that cannot be filled by anybody else or anything else besides you, but you will never be there to fill it and plant some flowers on it to turn the pain into beauty.
I miss you, but I am also relived that you are no longer part of my life. I have finally started to feel free in my life, and I feel a serenity that I have never felt before. But with that serenity comes sadness, sadness for the loss of you, my mum who would have done anything for me. I hate how your life never became what you wanted it to be, and I hate the fact that you projected that disappointment on me, and that it caused me to feel responsible for your misery. Some people think that you should always love your parents, no matter what, some people think that you dont have to love them unless they treat you well. I am not sure where I stand....I dont miss the person you were, but I miss the person that you could have been. You were not a mean person, you were just a unhappy person that because of that became very selfcentric and destructive for yourself and the people around you. You taught me how to not live my life, and even if it was a fu*%ed up lesson, it showed me the dark side of life. It showed me what happens when you are not true to yourself or not brave enough.
I want to write you again, as I feel there are so many things I want to say to you. I want to belive that you hear me, there on the other side....I want to say a proper godbye to you, I want to let you go, and I want you to be happy.
When you were still alive, I wrote you a letter were I tried to explain how bad you made me feel. I translated some of the words from the song belove, and I wish you really understood what I meant....

You were my lesson I had to learn
I was your fortress you had to burn
Pain is a warning that something's wrong
I pray to God that it won't be long
Do ya wanna go higher?

There's nothing left to try
There's no place left to hide
There's no greater power
Than the power of good-bye

more work...

I have been pending between panic and exctasy the last few days. Why? Because of my work of course. That also seems to be the only thing I can think about and write about lately and maybe that is the problem?
When I am at work and I am doing my tasks it is going well and I feel extatic, when I come home and when it is time to sleep in the night, I feel panic. I know I should not think too much, and I should just do it instead, wthout too much thinking, without too much hesitation, that is when things usually go the best. I think I think so much because I am not sure that I am ready for this challenge, I am not sure I want my work to be that big part of my life...but I guess we will see how this goes, if I can keep my weeks to around 50 hours a week, then it is ok, but if it will exceed that, I think it will definetly affect my lifequality too much.
Anyway, this is the problem I have, I am afraid that my job will take control over my life and I don´t want that to happen. But once again, I guess that is my choice, is´nt it? So as I am writing, I start to wonder if control is the issue? I am afraid I wont have control over my project, myself and my life and that scares the shit out of me. But why would I not have control? There will be demands and there will be pressure but I can always say no, and my job is just a job, not my whole life. I guess I am afraid because I feel I don´t know my own limitis and I don´t know when it is time to say no....but now is the time to learn it then?

just....

My mum definetly thought me the most valuable lesson I have ever gotten. She showed me how to NOT live my life, what to NOT do to become unhappy.
Anyway, I am finally starting to realx after this hectic week. I am sitting on my sofa, under a dowblanket. I have watched TV for an hour and been eating some candy and potatoe chips and just pampered myself with whatever I want. Soon I will take a nice and warm bubblebath to really start the weekend, and later on I´ll watch a movie.
Tonight it is MY evening and that feels SOO good.
Later!

Priorities

I have been so busy the last few days that I have hardly had time to read emails or blogs. Today after a quite hectic day at work, after vacuuming and while doing the laundry I finally had time to visit my blogfriends and just sit down and think.
It is VERY exciting at work right now, and I LOVE the tasks I have to do. Project management is definetly my thing, lets just hope I will do it well. The downside is that I have not had any time for my friends and I think my BF might feel a bit neglected. There are quite a few people in the project office that have families and it is crazy to hear how they live their lives. They sit up and work until 2 in the morning because they need to take care of their kids in the evening, and then they get up at 7 o´clock the next morning again. I don´t think I could do that...I find it hard enough to have enough energy for work as it is....maybe this is a job I will only do right now, for a couple of years, and then I need to do something else when and if I get a family.
Now it is time for Greys anatomy and some candy... :)

Here we go...

Today my low selesteem is GONE! It was officially announced to the organization that I am going to be the total project manager for this project, and I am SO excited to start running MY project :) I know there will be bumps in the road, but I am visioning success and I think it will turn out ok.
The real deal starts tomorrow!

I also want to share the song "Learning to fly" by the genious Pink Floyd. It represents my life...

" There's no sensation to compare with this
Suspended animation, a state of bliss
Can't keep my mind from the circling skies
Tongue-tied and twisted just an earthbound misfit, I"

Low selfesteem

Today has not been a very good day.
First of all, my Love is being threatend by this psycho, and I wish I could do something to help him, but I can´t. I wish I could make the psycho go away, but I can´t.
Second of all, the last few days I have been working my ass off to clean up other peoples messes and mistakes to be able to hold an extremly tight deadline. I have been doing my own tasks while trying to set evrything else right with information that I have gotten way past the deadline. Around 4pm today I got an angry call that one of my own responsibilities was done in the wrong way, and I was told that I needed to straight it up right away. I felt like crying, and I felt really upset, but I corrected my mistake.
After this I just felt worhtless. I know that everybody has a lot to, and quite a few people don´t know the processes because they are new, so they make mistakes. I also know that many people consider this the normal way of working, and I know many has way more stress than I do. But still, trying to correct other peoples mistakes, and not even getting a thank you for it, but only the opposite, is it worth it?
I have also seriously started to doubt if I will be able to pull my off being a project manager. I think I am too sensitive and don´t have a stresslevel that is high enough. I have also realized that people don´t take responsibility for their tasks, so am I going to be the one taking responsibility for everything?
I am not sure if theese thoughts are normal, or if I have them just because of low selfesteem? I guess it is because of low selfesteem, I realize that as I am writing. It is just very hard to set a balance in helping people, but still not taking over their responsibilities....During a better day (hopefully tomorrow) I will probably feel more confident. Does anybody have any good tips?

Project!

I got my own multimillion kronor worth project!! :)
I feel quite confident about it as one of my co-workers, who I admire the most of the projectmanagers will be my mentor. I definetly want to be as good as him (although I will never be as smart ;)) I don´t know yet when I will start the project, but I think it will be next week.
Tomorrow we are also going to see Circue du Soleil with my Love, I am REALLY looking forward to that although I got a bit afraid that I will get disappointed. I read that the focus will not be on acrobatics but on the music in this piece...but we´ll see, I have never seen Circue du Soleil before, so I think it will be good :)
(Picture taken from http://www.cirquedusoleil.com)

Life Script

Belove is an interesting text that I got sent to me from a friend of mine. It is about lifescripts, how we define roles for ourselves, and get scared when we are not playing our role....how does your lifescript look like?

How fixed beliefs define our roles:
Our fixed beliefs define the roles we play in life and have a lot to do with the scripts that are running them. Just as actors follow a play's script for lines, actions and attitude, we follow life scripts according to what our fixed beliefs tell us. Are you telling yourself that you are a tragic
character or heroic character? Are you playing the loving mother, abusive husband, frustrated artist or successful businessman?

Why scripts are dangerous:
Whatever your fixed beliefs are, you have practiced your script for so long that you believe what it says about you and your potential. This is why life scripts are dangerous. We begin to perceive them as being set in stone. We even allow them to shape the way we expect things to turn out. Fixed beliefs also influence the casting, location and wardrobe of our script. Who is "right" for the part in our script and who isn't? What type of living arrangement and attire are appropriate for the character we are playing, etc.?

When life scripts become limiting:
Because our scripts are based on fixed beliefs, we tend to resist any challenges or changes to them. If we suddenly feel happy and fulfilled, but our script says that we should feel sad and hopeless, we tend to panic because we've gone "off script." It just doesn't feel right and besides, the happy role belongs to someone else, doesn't it? This is an example of why most fixed beliefs are also limiting beliefs. They limit our scripts by dictating what we can't do, don't deserve and aren't qualified for.

Nothing interesting

I am sooo tired. This was a good weekend, but it made me tired.
On saturday evening my friend had a birthday party. It was nice hanging out there with all her gay friends :) Later in the evening we went out dancing and that was so much fun! I did nothing else besides danced and let me tell you, I was not dry when I went home. I was so sweaty that it looked like a drowned cat! But it was worth it, dancing out all the negative energy.

On sunday evening me and the birthday girl went to see the swedish comedian Jonas Gardell. I really liked the show, although I thought that the one I saw a couple of years was better, but we still got a good laugh :)



(picture taken from www.sundsvall.nu)

I´m still standing!

I went to my dance class today again. We danced to the old Elton John song "I´m still standing". That song means so much to me. I know it is about a broken heart, but for me, the song has always been about still standing in life and being a winner in life despite everything. For me it is a very powerful song, and it was perfect to dance to it today. I am amazed how my life is at the moment, with the possible promotion, my love, my friends, my home, everything!
I am just so happy that I am still standing, and not just standing, I am dancing! :)
PS. check out the hilarious video from the 80`s :)

"Don't you know I'm still standing better than I ever did
Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid! "

Maybe, maybe....

“I am so excited, and I just can’t hide it, I am about to loose control and I think I like it!” :)Sometimes work can be so fun. :) I have wanted to have a promotion to move to another position for quite a while, and I actually have known that this is the position I want, ever since I started working here. Today my new boss came and talked to me, and told me that she needs me to help her to put out an ad for my current position, and that as soon as we have a new person here, I will get a promotion! :)I will be handling projects in this global company I am working in, worth nine figured numbers in euros, it is scary, but it is exciting! I can’t believe that this might actually be happening, and I don’t want to scream Yippee before everything is set, but I still need to let out a small YAY, right now, but I don’t want to jinx everything....so let’s keep it cool..... ;)

Virgin school

Yesterday I watched a documentary on TV about a Virgin School. I was chocked that such a thing exists, but when I heard it is located in Amsterdam I was not as surprised. When we visited Amsterdam in the spring, we did of course also visit the red light district and let me tell you, the people in Amsterdam defiantly has a very different approach to sex than we have, and they are WAY more liberal than we are.
Anyway, I tried to watch the documentary with an open mind, and yes, it is probably good that a man can learn to face his fears about sex and get a chance to loose his virginity if he wants. Yes, I guess it is good that the women doing it are warm women that make him feel comfortable. But I think most of the people watching the documentary did find it a bit repulsive and probably quite a few started thinking about incest and got very uncomfortable watching it.
I guess I am writing this post in order to try to sort out my own thoughts about the documentary, but it is really hard. I can’t say that I think it is all wrong, but I can’t say it is all ok either. But I don’t think this kind of school would actually work anywhere else besides in Amsterdam, and I don’t think the people in Holland think it is as strange as maybe people from other countries think. I am just going to make the conclusion that there are different cultures, different needs and we can all have our own opinions about it. But if you are not hurting anyone, and somebody feels helped, then that is his or her choice, isn’t it? But yes, I also felt a bit repulsed.
Did anybody else see the documentary?

Palm reading

Yesterday evening me and my BF where cuddled up on my bed and where just feeling cozy together. Suddenly he got the idea to start doing palm reading on each other. We got the instructions on how the read palms from a book that I have with a lot of short and random information about everything.
Some of the stuff where accurate and some a bit less accurate, but apparently we are both going to die a sudden death for example (AIKS!!). Anyway, that was not the most interesting part of the palm reading. Apparently the left hand is supposed to show you your past and the right hand your future. My left hand showed me bad luck and a short life, while my right hand shows me the opposite!! Even if I don’t believe in this stuff so much, I still find it symbolic that this is what my hands are telling me about my life. Now I feel like I have proof, or something, (or whatever) that even if you get a rough start in life, it can still turn out well in the future. :)
I am not the kind of person that believes too much in horoscopes, psychics or other stuff like that, but I usually choose to believe in the things that sound good and beneficial for my future. Isn’t that a good way of believing? :)

Flying high

(picture copied from www.liveit.se)

My friends arriving at midnight was a good beginning for saturday. We sat up until 3am and drank red wine, ate good cheeses and just talked until we were so tired that we had to go to bed.
On saturday we spent the whole day shopping which also was very pleasent for that day and I bought som new stuff that I feel are kind of Parisian style during the fifties. The evening was still even more relaxing, with a movie, some more wine and potatoe chips. My boyfriends dog was our little princess during the evening and she kept us entertained. :)
I also got another birthday gift, from my friends from back home, a tandem flight from Live it!! I am a little bit scared of doing it, but at the same time I feel that it is time to challenge myself again, so I am going to do it....:) Let´s see if the weather will be good enough to fly during this part of the year or if I will have to wait until the spring. I am excited about it though!! Another adventure, Yippii!! :)

One of those days

This has been one of those days that everything feels ten times worse than it really is. One of those days when you have no energy and it feels like a challenge to move the mouse to the computer when surfing on the internet. One of those days when it is raining outside and you know that the fall is here, and you feel the cold wind blowing those raindrops in your face. One of those days when you seem to start arguing with the ones you love because you feel it is such a frustrating day. One of those days....

Humanity

Humanity, a forgotten trait?
The care for depressed and mentally ill people has been heavily criticized here in Sweden. A lot of people do not get the help they need. A couple of months ago I saw a documentary about some young women who were depressed and they were talking about how they had been trying to get help, but just got the cold hand. The only way they could get help was by attempting suicide. I can’t even start to explain how terrible that documentary made me feel.
Lately I have been involved in a discussion where we are talking and partly deciding about a person’s wellbeing and future. The outcome of the discussion will depended on the determining person’s willingness to help, willingness to make an effort and willingness to not choose the easy way just because her strength after many years of fighting against byrocracy might be gone. But will she remember that it is still a living human being that needs help that she is making decision on? Or has the humanity she once had flown trough the window and been replaced by indifference? I find it so scary that this is actually what happens. A person that is in a position where she should be extremely compassionate, understanding and helpful has to be reminded of these traits in her, so that she can make the right decisions for the human being she is deciding on.
As it is now, a depressed or mentally ill person that has nobody to support her or him has no chance in the world to get the help she or he deserves. She or he has to take a fight that she shouldn’t need to take. She or he should NOT need to fight to get help.
Do people have the right to forget about their humanity?

nothing

I was laying here on my couch, cuddled up in a corner and just feeling relaxed after the dance aerobics today. I was going to write a nice post about today and the reflections and thoughts I have had today, but then blogger stopped co-operating with me, and my inspiration disappeared.
Anyway, the learning from today is that people are usually very co-operative as long everybody are striving for a win-win situation.
Over and out.

Blogging, 21st century version of group therapy?

The last few days I have felt such a strong feeling of relief for having my blog and my blogfriends who support me. I started thinking about the background in blogging and about when it all started. Rebecca Blood has written an interesting article about the history of blogs. Did you for example know in 1998 there were just a handful of sites of the type that are now identified as weblogs (so named by Jorn Barger in December 1997)? Rebecca Blood also talk in her article about how she started valuing her own point of views more by blogging.
Another interesting point she has, is how bloggers get engaged in eachothers lives, and get strength and improved selfesteem from being heard and having an honest interactive disussion about their lives with other bloggers.
As said in an article by abcnews: Blogging is a 21st century version of group therapy. I definetly find blogging as part of my therapy to heal and I can definetly say that it is helping me. So many times, people feel alone in their thoughts and they feel that nobody understand them. By blogging you find that you are not alone, there are many other people out there who understands you, and because you are "airing your dirty laundry in public", they feel that they can be more honest about their lives too. Dr.Deb writes in her blog about the Harris interactive survey that was done in march 2005 where 48,7% of the people participating in the survey (in US) said that they blog because it is a form of therapy.
I just find this phenomenom about blogging as therapy so interesting. Blogging was a strange concept to me still 6 months ago, and I can´t actually remember how I got the idea to start blogging? Maybe it was just some random blog that I read for some reason. Anyway, because this became such a "scientific" post (at least compared to my other ones :)) I would find it really interesting to know why and how you started blogging?

8 things

My bloggfriend Lilltanten sent me a challenge to tell 8 things you don´t yet know about me, so let´s see...

1.Well, first of all most of the facts can be found in my post "I am a survivor". (I don´t know too many other people that have a hole in their head for example) So that can be the number one fact.

2.When I get really upset I beat up my bed and scream into my pillow

3.During the weekends I quite often eat chocolate for breakfast :)

4.I grew up in a small town with 10.000 people. When I was a kid, I seriously belived that the town was the capital of Finland :)

5. I am afraid of ghosts and spirits. Last night for example I woke up in the middle of the night and I was certain I was not alone and I kept hearing noices in the apartment all the time. I lied awake for more than an hour. Today I spoke with one of my workmates who told about a friend of hers that have had an even more horrific experience. She was alone in her boyfriends house and suddenly she heard the door into the house open and she also heard footsteps, she waited for her bf to come in to their bedroom but he never came. She got up to see where he was and realized that the house was empty. Then she saw that the phone was off hook and there was the number 666, she tried to call the number and the signal went trough. The next day when she tried calling the number she just got the answer that the phonenumber does not exsist. Her boyfriend has seen a woman around the house, so he knows there is somebody in the house.....and no, I am not kidding, this has actually happend!! SPOOKY!

6.When I was a kid me and my cousin found a frog. We decided to wash it with soap because we thought it was so dirty. We were very suprised when the frog died.

7.I never iron my clothes, even if it would be needed.

8.After I have taken a shower I always need to stand still with my towel around me and stare at the floor for a while. This makes me relax.

I am forwarding the challenge to: Lintin, Lillamej, Margareth, Butterfly, Maria, Simpel, Ella and Contessa

My 30:th birthday

Not taking into consideration one minor incident, my birthday was awesome! First of all, have you ever seen this big of a birthday bouqet of flowers before? I got 30 flowers for my 30th birthday from my BF. And if it is not obvious in the picture, I can tell you that we had to use my laundrybasket as a vase because they would not fit anywhere else. :)

The day was spent with my relatives who where here over the day from Finland. We had a very pleasent day with strolling around in the city, sitting in Kungsträdgården and just enjoying the last of the sun and then going back to my place for som eating and drinking. Even my amazing 85 year old grandmother came along, although she was very tired which is understandable.

During the whole day I was wearing my wonderful knitted witner dress that I bought for my birthday, I like the dress more and more.

In the evening all the other guests arrived and I have to say that 25 people in 30m2 makes the furniture and floor to disappear, you just saw people, people everywhere and everyone was trying to speak louder than everybody else.

I was still so very happy that so many people came, and what impressed me even more where the ones that came all the way from Finland just to see little me....I got some good presents. I got a photoalbum from our adventures from my BF, 1500kr from a goup of my friends for the tattoo I am going to make in the end of the year, a great necklace from my dad and a beautiful plate from my relatives.

It was an exhausting day, but it was a day to remember and I am going to remember all the happy faces, the loud voices, the good food, my good friends and the love in my life.
PS. I am SOOO happy we did most of the cleaning last night, it was a mess!

30 years of life experience

So tomorrow at 9.10am I will be 30 years old. Six of my relatives are coming from Finland to celebrate my birthday and later in the evening about 25 of my friends will squeeze into my 34m2 apartment, guess if it is going to be crowded? :)
Sitting at work and just got interrupted from my workmates who sang for me and gave me a fine bottle of wine. I told them that I am moving over to their side, to "the other side" :). I also told them that when I come back to work on Monday I will be a changed person, with wrinkles and gray hair and very serious.....NOT!!
Well, life will be as good if not better on "the other side", so I am just going to keep on enjoying and tomorrow it will PARTY, PARTY from morning to evening :)

Heard

There is a memory that I have that I have meant to write down for about a few months now. I thought I would write it down today, but then decided to wait until after my birthday.
Anyway, Torrdocka wrote a post today (in swedish) that moved me a lot. She said some things that I would have wanted to hear from my mum while she was still alive, but my mum got "deaf" from the alcohol and could not hear what people were telling her, she only heard her own paranoid voice.
Still, reading what Torrdocka wrote made me feel such a relief. Maybe because my mum could never see my dad´s and my side, she could only see herself. Torrdocka, who is a recovering alcoholic heard me, and in some ways it almost felt like my mum heard me. For me it is a enormous relief that a woman who knows what it is to be a slave to alcohol hears what I am saying. MY voice is heard, it has a meaning what I am saying and I am not just talking to a wall, like it felt so many times in my childhood.
Tack Torrdocka!

Shoes

I have never been a shoe person, although that trait seems to be increasing with age. :)
Today I was sitting and waiting for the subway and I started looking at peoples shoes without looking at anything else. It was actually extremely interesting, because so many times I felt like the shoes did not fit the person who was wearing them or the oufit they where wearing.
I saw a pair of shoes and thought it was a young hip person, then I looked at the outfit and I got a bit more uncertain about the person, and as I saw the face it was not at all somebody who I imagined for those shoes. It felt like the shoes had their own lives, and maybe it is true that the shoes tells a lot about a person?
I don´t think I actually ever before have looked at people from the bottom up, and just finding personalities in the shoes. It was interesting and a new experience for me :)

More about routine...

I am going to continue a bit on the topic routines. Yesterday I started to excersise again. I have had a summer "vacation"(the truth is I have been lazy) of three months and it felt SO good to do something with my body again. I did the dance aerobics class and it was so much fun. On thursday I will probably go and do some funk. So, I want to create another routine, do dance aerobics on mondays and funk on thursdays (I tried to this last year but for some reason it did´nt quite become a routine), or at least excersise twice a week. It is amazing how much more energy you get from getting a bit sweaty on a regular basis. And I do need some more energy, now I am more a couch potatoe than human....
And one more routine that I might want to create. I would like to take a warm bubblebath and have a glass of wine on every friday evening, just to help me get into the weekendmood faster.
Lets see how it goes :)

Routines

It is strange, I just have a good feeling today, maybe it is because I realized that I have routines in my life that I actually like. As I have written before I have had a problem with routines, when life becomes that every day life with not too many changes or suprises I almost freak out. My last ten years has been filled with changes, and I have never worked in one place for longer than 7 months (this because most employments has been project based) and since I moved away from home, ten years ago, I have not lived in one place for longer than 1,5 years.
I have soon worked at the same place for a year, and yes, I have felt the ants in the pants and that is why I have been applying for jobs, just to make sure I can get a change if I want to. But this weekend I realized that I love going to work every day, I love the fact that I have gotten good friends at work and that I know a lot of people there. There are actually other routines that I have that I like also, like when we are walking my BF´s dog, (and having good discussions at the same time) this same way by the water that we almost always walk. We have a favourite place that we have been swimming at and sunbathed at during the summer, that was also kind of a summer routine. Laying on the couch watching movies snuggled up with my BF is one routine that I would not want to miss.
Hmm....I guess I am not as hostile towards routines as I used to be, I need to start figuring out more routines that I like :)

Underground trance

Yesterday I went out to this underground tranceparty. Theese parties are a lot like the raves in the 1990´s and like most people think, there is a lot of drugs involved. I don´t do drugs myself but I still enjoy going to theese parties every now and then. The trance music is so hypnotizing and if you are stressed or in a bad mood or something it can feel really good to just let the beat move your body and dance away all the negative emotions. Analog pussies (on the picture above) were the "live act" at this party and I kind of liked the fact that there was not only a dj up there but it was a bit more of a perfomance to watch.
I do find it appealing to every now and then experience this subculture because is so very far away from the enviroment and the people I am working with every day. I feel that my work enviroment is the very essence of what people are supposed to do in society and most of the people seemes to be formed by the society, and don´t feel any reason to challenge the rules society has set. The fact is that I could never imagine most of the people I am working with to even consider being part of this culture, or even knowing that it exsists. The underground trance culture on the other hand is: Underground. It is in a way a partly forbidden world, a world that you don´t really talk about too much publicly. I feel it is extremly liberating to be part of two very different cultures and knowing that I feel a sence of belonging in both places. It is hard to explain, but I guess it is about being a complex person fitting into different places, being more than what appears at the first glance. It is about the freedom to choose who you want to be at that moment or which part of you, you wish to bring forward.
Anyway, I do have a bit of a hangover today, so I need to go and do something else.

Jaada, jaada

Well, the interview went very well yesterday. He was mainly looking for a person who is "driven, smart and has charm" Apperantly he thought that is what I am (for some strange reason). Yesterday I wanted to change job, today I don´t.
I feel like I don´t want to change jobs unless it is clearly better than the one I have now, and I am not sure this one is.
Anyway, I don´t think I am going to change jobs. I enjoy my workmates that I have right now and it would be good for me to just calm down a bit and try to stay in one place for a bit longer. :)
Had a nightmare last night. I dreamt that I was shopping stuff for my birthday and I got caught by the police and thrown into jail. I knew my BF was waiting for me and the guests were also arriving. I was feeling so stressed because I could not tell them were I was, I could not shop the things I wanted, I was´nt able to get to my party in time and I was uncertain when I was going to get out of jail. Hmmm...I guess I am feeling a bit unsettled.....but the weather is good and sun is shining :)

PMS

I hate PMS. I can´t say that I am the type of woman that suffers alot from it, but sometimes I get the physical and mental pain before that time of the month. Today is one of those days, not having the physical pain but having the mental unstability and somebody saying just hello to me might get me so annoyed that I feel like boiling or hitting someone. You know how the irritation can just flow over you like a wave. It starts around your stomach and then spreads to the rest of your body and it is like your whole body is shaking because you know the irritation is unreasonable but the feeling is still there, stronger than ever. And I have a jobinterview today. I don´t even know if I want to change a job or if I am interested in the job. This is not a good day for me (or the ones around me)

50 great things about life

How wonderful wouldn´t it be, if you would always remember how good simple things in life can feel....This will make you happy:

Do you remember how it feels to:
1. Be in love
2. Laugh so much that your stomach hurts
3. Take a warm Bath
4. Seeing the perfect sunset and smelling the summernight
5. Get a special look from somebody and feel like you are the best in the world
6. Get an e-mail
7. Get an unexpected gift
8. Hear your favourite song in the radio
9. Lay on the bed and listen to the rain
10.Feel a warm towel
11.Find the shirt you want on sale
12.Milkshake, chocolate or strawberry
13.A hours long phonecall
14.Travel somewhere far away
15.Laugh so much that you cry
16.Smell the flowers in the summer
17.The way the sand feels between your toes on the beach
18.Find money from the pocket of your old jacket
19.Think that your own jokes are funny
20.Get a phonecall from the one you love
21.Run trough that thing that waters the grass
22.Laugh without a reason
23.Have friends that you can brag about to your other friends
24.Watch a good movie that makes you cry
25.Have friends that you know really love you
26.Hear somebody saying something good about you
27.Wake up and realize that you can sleep in
28.A first kiss
29.Play with a pet
30.Feel somebody playing with your hair.
31.Having sweet dreams that you don´t want to wake up from
32.The smell of fresh coffee
33.Go on a trip to have fun with your friends
34.Swing really high
35.Finish a job and know that you have done it very well
36.Get new friends and gather up with you old friends
37.Sing really loud, even if you sing badly
38.Walk around naked in your apartment
39.Dance around naked in your apartment
40.Listen to good music
41.Bake, and then feel the smell of fresh bread
42.Get a homemade present from your friend
43.Feel the sun in your face and the wind in your hair
44.See your friend laugh and smile
45.Hold the hand of the person you love
46.Get a hug
47.Meet an old friend and realize that you have changed for the better
48.Smell a newly cut lawn
49.Hearing I love you from somebody you love
50.Feeling so good about yourself that you want to give yourself a hug......which I think you should do right now! :)

Strength

Theese last few days I have been thinking a lot about strength and what a strong person is (yes, yes, sorry, but I am going to be philosophical again...)Anyway, it is not unusal that I hear people say to me that they think that I am such a strong person and that I am probably the kind of person that can handle any situation whenever. The people saying this might be people that know about my background, but some of them don´t know anything about me.
I don´t see myself as strong and I never have, but this is the first time I understand why. It was not my choice to have the childhood I had, it was not brave or strong of me to survive it and come trough. How could it be brave when I had no other choice?
When I will be at the point where I can live my adult life without my past haunting me ,and when my inner struggle won´t have as much power as it has today, and when I will be able to give my children what I never had, and when I will be able to help people around me who are struggling with themselves, THEN, ONLY then can I call myself strong.

Blogaddiction

62%How Addicted to Blogging Are You?

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Well....don´t know where on the scale you have a problem....but I would say not yet ;)

To my precious blogfriends

Since I started blogging I feel like I have entered a new world....I have gotten the privilege to read the innermost thoughts of other people that I don’t even know. People have amazing lives and I almost feel like the people who’s blogs I read daily are my close friends.
(Forgive me here if I don´t mention someone that feels he or she should be mentioned, but theese are the ones that I have "connected" most with) There is Butterfly, who was one of the first to read my blog, who’s childhood has been filled with difficult experiences and today she has chosen a profession that is still making her life very uncommon and not easy all the time. There is Lilltanten who’s posts almost always brings tears to my eyes. She is admirable in so many ways, and a role model to her family and so many other people in cyberspace. There is Lintin, who has grown up with an alcoholic parent just like I have and she is struggling to find herself and her place in the world (She will get there, she just don’t know it herself yet :)). There is Maria, who has too had too high demands on herself which has forced her to rethink her life. She still wants to be the superwoman, but I think she is good just a she is also. There is Ella, this wonderful woman, who is loosing her eyesight due to a terrible sickness. She is angry at her eyes, and is struggling to become friends with them again...There is Margareth who is doing the most wonderful blog illustrations on her friends in cyberspace. There is Tusensyster who is writing to stay away from drugs, she is on her 119:th day today.
I LOVE visiting your blogs everyday and just see what is going on in your lives, and to see if there are any comforting words I can offer to you. I hope I have´nt offended aybody with what I have written...? Writing in my blog helps me to deal with my own issues, and having you all as my blogfriends helps me even more. I hope you all also get something out of me….

Big cyber hug! :)

He is coming...

My dad just wrote me that he is going to come and visit me on my birthday....

The best grandmother in the world....

I got a handwritten letter from my wonderful grandmother today. She writes maybe once a month to me and she is the only one of my relatives (except from my cousin) who really shows that she cares for me, my life and how I am doing. Getting a letter from her usually makes me in a good mood and makes me feel good. Not this time....She had cut out an add from the newspaper that was called "blue eyes". The add claimed that with antioxidants from blueberries it could help you see better. She wanted me to buy this medicin here in Sweden and send it to her. Her eyesight is getting so bad that she can´t really read in the evenings and that is hard for her.
Reading this just made me so sad....she is the one who I feel closest to in my so called family, but she is 85 and she will not live forever....I am so afraid of the time when I will loose her, because I feel that then I will be completly alone.
She also asked me to come to Finland and spend my birthday there. She would have liked to come to Stockholm, but she can´t do it....I was again reminded of the fact that my dad probably won´t show up for my birthday. Once again I started feeling wothless, I started wonder why I even should celebrate my birthday, who cares anyway?

Evaluation

I had an evaluation with my boss today and it went very well (I already got the salary raise :))
I just need to write down the things she said so that I can remember it and improve what needs to be approved.

I live as I preach, that is a great leader quality. I have high demands on myself and on others. I need to learn to accept that other people might not have as high demands on themselves as I have, and stop expecting more of them than they can deliver. I need to remember that most people are trying their best.
My emotions are pretty transparent which can be good and bad. I need to learn to express my negative emotions in a different (more positive) way to be a good leader
From time to time I need to make a choice. Should I be honest or a leader?
In communication I need to learn to adjust how I talk depending to which group I am talking to. Especially the management group.
I am very result oriented which is good.
I have courage to question things and a will to understand things.
I have an ability to see the big picture.

She also told me about five times that I need to focus on how to improve my strenghts and not focus on my weaknesess. When looking at my list, I have kind of forgotten that again.... :/ So, she also thought that I one day will be a very good project manager (not working as one yet) and that she sees very much potential in me, I guess that is good :)

I am a survivor...

In three weeks I will be 30 years old....and I am pretty happy with what I have done in my life so far. After I moved away from home, my life has been filled with more than most people experience in a lifetime.

Among other things, I have:
-had two brainsurgeries
-done winterswimming
-visited about 30 different countries (so ten more before I am 40 ;))
-travelled alone to places like Scotland, Australia and India
-been swimming with giant turtles
-Walked 70 km in three days in New Zealand
-have had three tattoos made, all of which tells the story of my life in a symbolic way.
-done whitewater rafting
-worked with TV production
-been bitten by a monkey and got 5 rabies shots.
-worked on a travelling funfair in Denmark
-buried my mother
-worked with a festival in the US
-made food (alone, with almost no help) to 120 people and got a LOT of compliments for the food
-participated in voodo rituals in Africa
-lived in 5 different countries
and last but not least, grown a lot as a person.

I definetly want the next ten years to be as filled with experiences as the last ten years, but in a way I do feel like an era is over....that kind of makes me sad, but still, I have to remember that I am the only one controlling my life. One thing that I definetly still want to do is to spend three months in Guatemala and learn spanish....lets see how that plan will work out :)

Insects

I have been bothered with earwigs the last few months. They climb into my window, and I find out that are in my apartment, when I am sitting on my couch and they climb on me and pinch me somewhere on my body. I HATE insects.
But anyway, you would think that as I live in the Nordic countries, I should be safe from having bugs in my apartment, but it´s not true, this is not the first time I have had uninvited guests in my home.....In my last apartment, when I was still living in Helsinki I had a problem with flys. During about two weeks in september, my apartment was invided by flys. I don´t know where they came from, but I killed around 20 flys each and every day. It was DISGUSTING! Luckily it was just for a short period of time.
But something that is even worse than ordinary flies are bananaflies...I was living with a group of girls who were VERY bad at cleaning and doing the dishes. I was away for a week or something and when I come back the whole kitchen has been invaded by bananaflies, it was not our kitchen anymore, it was THEIR kitchen. There were probably around 500 bananaflies in that kitchen.....I took quite a while to get rid of them...
When living in Australia it was of course my "favourite" insects, spiders, that was here and there in the house. Some bigger and some smaller. Some poisonous and some not.
Anyway, I also need to point out that it is not crappy apartments that I have had. Most of them has actually been pretty expensive, but it still seems you can´t be safe from the insects, huh? Maybe I need to start liking them more....or no, I will never ever like them in MY house!! :/

A song to say Goodbye

This is a song I found on Lintins blog....I think everybody who has had an alcoholic parent knows that this can be the cruel reality. For the ones who has healthy parents it might explain how a child can feel when trying to help her or his parent. This is a video that makes me cry, and the feelings from it are still very true for me. A beautiful video that I want to share...

Summer 2007

The few days before my vacation was ending I said to my BF that I have´nt really done anything this summer, but I soon realized that was´nt true.
During this summer I have travelled in Italy, spent a wonderful midsummer in Norrland, painted my nude selfportrait, read two books, spent a week in Finland (and even got a chance to go out in the archipelago again :)), renewed my blog, been to concerts and just relaxed in Stockholm. In the end it has been a good summer with a lot of activities and freedom.
I ended my vacation by going to see the Pride parade. I was a bit disappointed in it this year though, I felt the festival and carnival feeling was a lot stronger last year. But when the parents of homosexuals walked by, I almost started crying. They seemed so proud of their children and the love they seemed to feel was amazing...
Now the fall is arriving and I am actually not really sad about it as I have so many activities planned for the next two months also, a trip to Åland, the tattoo convention, my 30th birthday, circus soleil, a trip to Paris and of course "parkteatern" many times a week this month.
And I am going to tell you a secret.... I have started working, but as I have flexible hours, I am able to sneak out in the sun in the afternoon and do some work later in the evening instead, so the summer is not entirely over ;)