Fear of loosing you

I did not sleep very well last night, I felt a lot of anxiety and fear. I am afraid that person I still love will not want to live anymore. I don´t know how I could live with that, if he would make that decision....I know it is not my responsibility to take, but I still do....Why does life have to be so unfair to some people, so that they even loose their will to live? It makes me so sad...

The best grandmother in the world....

I got a handwritten letter from my wonderful grandmother today. She writes maybe once a month to me and she is the only one of my relatives (except from my cousin) who really shows that she cares for me, my life and how I am doing. Getting a letter from her usually makes me in a good mood and makes me feel good. Not this time....She had cut out an add from the newspaper that was called "blue eyes". The add claimed that with antioxidants from blueberries it could help you see better. She wanted me to buy this medicin here in Sweden and send it to her. Her eyesight is getting so bad that she can´t really read in the evenings and that is hard for her.
Reading this just made me so sad....she is the one who I feel closest to in my so called family, but she is 85 and she will not live forever....I am so afraid of the time when I will loose her, because I feel that then I will be completly alone.
She also asked me to come to Finland and spend my birthday there. She would have liked to come to Stockholm, but she can´t do it....I was again reminded of the fact that my dad probably won´t show up for my birthday. Once again I started feeling wothless, I started wonder why I even should celebrate my birthday, who cares anyway?

Helpless and useless

I feel anxiety, sadness and fear. My love is having a hard time right now and I am suffering with him. The only problem is that he is shutting me out, he is not letting me into his world and I don´t know what to do. I can´t do anything to help him and he knows that.
I don´t know how to handle the situation and I am so afraid that he is not going to want to be in this life anymore. I am so scared and I feel so useless.
His situation is affected by outside factors that is making him feal fear, probably a overwhelming fear that is taking control of him. I wish I could be in his mind so that I could help him get control of his thoughts and his feelings. I wish that I could be like soft silk smoothing upp all the harsh emotions tearing him apart. I wish I could be a samurai warrior that could slay the dragons that are buring his heart with fire. I wish I could be an angel that would have the power to take away all the bad things. But I am none of this....I am just a normal human being trying to do her best, and her best is not enough....it is not even close to enough.
Tears are falling down on my cheeks, I feel like screaming, I wish somebody could take this feeling of helplessness away from me, but nobody can. Nobody can help me help him....
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rädsla, depression, hjälplöshet, kärlek

New Boss

As you spend so many hours of your life at work, it obviously also becomes a big part of your life.
We are going trough a lot of organizational changes at work, not negative ones but positive ones where we are growing and the organization is changing. I also learned today that my boss is quitting and we are getting a new boss.
I don´t like the idea of getting a new boss as the person who is my boss today is the person who hired me, and I know she belives in me. What if the personal chemistry with the new person does not work at all? What if the new person is extremly controlling and has a very different idea of what I should be doing compared to what I am doing now? I have never really realized how much the boss affects the work enviroment, but he or she does.
I like changes as long as they are not for the worse. With changes you grow and get to know yourself and a lot of the times you suddenly manage to do things that you never thought you would be capable of. But pretty much everybody are scared of changes, scared of the unknown and uncertain, myself included. This is when you need courage. Courage to go trough the changes despite your fear. You need to learn to face that fear and realize that you are bigger than the fear.

............Ok, anyway, I starts sounding like I am preaching here, need to stop now :)

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Arbete, omorganisering, karriär, rädsla, mod, förändring