Change

I read my whole blog yesterday, all the way from the first post about a need to write and not sure about fitting in.
The intention with my blog has changed quite a lot during time. First it was just a fun thing to do, then it became a tool to feel heard and now it is just a friend that I write to about the things happening in my life. I have become a bit more restrictive about what I write though, as my need to be heard has been fulfilled. I have been able to tell about my childhood, and I have been heard by people who has been in similar siuations. I did the griefrecovery workshoop where I felt I was allowed to let go of my mother, and since then I am not bitter any longer, instead I am able to remember the good things about my her, and the memories are no longer a stone in my shoe. I have moved the most "infected" posts to another place as I don´t feel comfortable about having them here.
There are still things I need to work on, and there always will be, and I guess that is the same for all humans, we keep growing all the time. But this blog will not be the forum for those thoughts. Nothing lasts forever, and they say that it is not the most intelligent ones or the thoughest ones that survives the evolution, it is the ones who are most adaptable to change, and I find that quite interesting. I have not yet found the new intention with this blog, if there even is one, but time will tell :)

I am beat....

Today my whole body is aching and I feel like I am getting sick....I think it is because of the very intense last week.
Not only did I once again have to make a new decision to say no to the manager position (although I am flattered that they called and asked me to reconsider) but 90% of our unit was sold to another company, and people were very upset with that. I belong to the remaining 10% who is staying on the original company, but for quite a while we did not know where we belong to. Then the week continued with the three day long grief recovery workshop, and I continued using the tools I have learned to grief some other people during the weekend, and now I am just beat.....I guess it is my body saying that I need to stop for a while, and that is what I am going to do. I am not going to train as I planned to, instead I am going to go home and take a long warm bath.

Third day of grief recovery

Yesterday it was the third day of the grief recovery workshop. It was the roughest day for my part as this day consisted of making a relationship chart over mine and my mother relationship, and also writing a fullfilment letter, that you can also partly call a goodbye letter. Reading the relationship chart was really hard, but reading the fullfilment letter actually made me feel like something was flying away from me. After I had read the letter I remember watching up to the roof and thinking she is free and so am I....I am not going to publish the whole letter as it was quite long, but I will publish the end of it here, the part of letting go:

I want you to know, that despite everything I really miss you in my life and I wish that things could have been different. I want you to know that you were my security and the best person in the world when I was a little kid, I was just so mad at you for choosing alcohol instead of me, and that is something I am still sad about, but I forgive you for that. I would have loved to keep my mother with me for a longer time. I want you to know that I have blackpainted you for a long time, just to be able to handle the rejection I felt from you, but I dont want to do it anymore, I want to say goodbye to you and live my life. You need to know that me letting go does not mean that I will forget you or that I don´t love you, it only means that I dont want to feel tha pain anymore and I don´t want to let it affect my life in the same way anymore.
Thank you mother for loving me so much as you did and I want you to know that I am so very sad for the fact that life was such a big darkness for you, and so many times I wished I would have had magic powers that would have helped you. Despite everything, I will cherish my positive memories of you in my heart.
I know that you are afraid of letting go, and so am I, but maybe it is time for us to do it? Maybe we can do it together? Both be free from the prison of the past.

I miss you a lot mum, more than I have wanted to admit, and I love you.

I forgive you for all the bad memories, and I know you always tried your best, but now it is time to say goodbye.


Goodbye mother

Second day of Grief recovery

Today we presented our loss charts. A loss chart is a chart that shows the losses in your life. It was hard to tell about it to the other people in the goup and some losses definetly still hurts...
Our second task was to imagine that you would die in an hour and you needed to write our last toughts before you would die. You also needed to write a letter to the ones left behind and here is my letter:

Since I moved away from home, my life has become better and better. With theese words I dont want to make anybody feel guilty or punish anybody, it was nobodys fault how things were. We were all unhappy in my family home and it is is better for all of us, as things are now. The meaning of life is to be happy, and that is why everything happend just the way it was supposed to happen. With this I want to say that don´t lock yourselves into a selfmade prison to which only you have the key to. If you feel that you have to punish yourself for something you have done, then look at yourselves, learn from the experience and dont do it again. That way you will be able to open the lock to your prison.
The meaning of life is to live in freedom with yourself, not to lock yourself in, in accordance to what other people think or what society thinks, the only one who can keep yourself free is you. Dont make my mistake and spend half of your life punishing youself for things that were not your fault, but learn to let go of what hurts and allow yourself to enjoy life to 110%!

First day of Grief Recovery

Today was the first day of the grief recovery workshop (www.sorg.se) I am attending.
This day was not that hard as it consisted mostly of lectures, but there were som tragic lifestorys that were shared with the group.
Tomorrow and on Friday we are going to work more on our own grief and we are also going to choose a person that we are going to mourn. I am guessing mine will be my mother although there are two more candidates that needs closure, but I will probably take them at a later point.
Right now I am just feeling sad, but that is part of the process.....

Jokela shooting

For the eight people that died in the terrible massacre in Jokela.
Can´t belive that this has happend in my homecountry...

helpless

I have no power, no power whatsoever on another persons life. I hardly have power over my own life. As I know this, why is then so hard to stand by a persons side who cannot see anything good in his life? Why do I still wish that I would have powers that I don´t have? Why do I find it so unfair that I cannot make a wish, a wish for a person to be happy, and knowing that the wish would come true?
I feel so helpless, and the feeling of helplessness destroys me, it breaks me down bit by bit, saying that if you are not a superhuman, if you cannot change this persons life, then you are unworthy.
Isnt there anything I can do? Can´t I do some magic?
No....I am just a dot....a small dot on a white paper, hardly noticable, uncapable of having any meaning.

Heard

There is a memory that I have that I have meant to write down for about a few months now. I thought I would write it down today, but then decided to wait until after my birthday.
Anyway, Torrdocka wrote a post today (in swedish) that moved me a lot. She said some things that I would have wanted to hear from my mum while she was still alive, but my mum got "deaf" from the alcohol and could not hear what people were telling her, she only heard her own paranoid voice.
Still, reading what Torrdocka wrote made me feel such a relief. Maybe because my mum could never see my dad´s and my side, she could only see herself. Torrdocka, who is a recovering alcoholic heard me, and in some ways it almost felt like my mum heard me. For me it is a enormous relief that a woman who knows what it is to be a slave to alcohol hears what I am saying. MY voice is heard, it has a meaning what I am saying and I am not just talking to a wall, like it felt so many times in my childhood.
Tack Torrdocka!

Strength

Theese last few days I have been thinking a lot about strength and what a strong person is (yes, yes, sorry, but I am going to be philosophical again...)Anyway, it is not unusal that I hear people say to me that they think that I am such a strong person and that I am probably the kind of person that can handle any situation whenever. The people saying this might be people that know about my background, but some of them don´t know anything about me.
I don´t see myself as strong and I never have, but this is the first time I understand why. It was not my choice to have the childhood I had, it was not brave or strong of me to survive it and come trough. How could it be brave when I had no other choice?
When I will be at the point where I can live my adult life without my past haunting me ,and when my inner struggle won´t have as much power as it has today, and when I will be able to give my children what I never had, and when I will be able to help people around me who are struggling with themselves, THEN, ONLY then can I call myself strong.

My hated bubble

In my bubble I am safe.
I am safe from everybody else besides myself.
In my bubble I fight my inner war,
which makes me hurt even more.
My bubble is destructive,
and I hate that it is so seductive....
...

Brain

Somebody poking in your corrupt brain,
might cause you to think:
"you are insane".