forgivness

I just found out that my dad is in hospital, he has a problem with his back and he is at the moment getting alot of painkillers and can´t really move.
I called him and he actually talked to me like he would to a friend, I don´t know if it was the painkillers or the boredom that got him to talk, but it felt really good. He talked to me about he was feeling, how the painkillers made him think that a dirtspot on the sheet was moving and how his wife needs to go for a heart examination next week.
Before I called, I wasn´t even sure if I wanted to call, as I felt a bit of the old bitterness towards him for not coming to visit me in the hospital when I had my second brainsurgery, but after talking with him I decided to forgive him for that. Now I am just happy that he talked to me and told me things about how he felt.
I am going to call him tomorrow again, and maybe I need to examine myself and some old unhealthy, unresolved feelings also... and maybe this could be a chance for us to improve our realtionship....keep your fingers crossed!

He is coming...

My dad just wrote me that he is going to come and visit me on my birthday....

A Letter to my Dad

Till Pappa

It is maybe about a year ago since I made my last try to try to make you understand how much I miss you and how much I wish that you would be a part of my life. In my mind I have doubts that you really love me because I hardly ever from you, but I am trying to convince myself that I am wrong. People tell me that you smile when I am around and you look proud and happy when you talk about me, but I seem to be blind to that myself. The only thing I feel is tention and fear of me saying the wrong things that would upset your wife.
I know you must have had a hellish living with mum during all those years and I know you don´t want to think about it and youd rather just forget. But it feels like you are punishing me for feeling bad. It feels like I am reminding you of the horror you lived trough and that is why you are avoiding me. I feel like it it my fault that you have the pain you have.
I guess I could also take the initiative and call you more often, but I can´t bring myself to do it as I still feel like the little girl that just wishes that you would show some attention to her and make her feel like her exsitens has a meaning.
You have your new family now, with your new wife and her adult daughters. I know you are the dad I wish you would be to me, to them, and it tears me apart whenever I think about it. I know it is also circumstances, they live in the same town and they have children that you often take care. Your new wife does not like me very much and I know me coming into town quite often cause tention between the two of you and I guess that is my fault.
I just feel like I don´t have a family and I miss you so much. I feel I am not worthy of your love and attention as I hardly ever hear from you and that also makes me think I am not worthy of anybody elses love. I wish I could feel that I belong somewhere, I wish I could feel that I belong to your new family and that I am loved as I am, but I don´t.
I happy for you that you are happy dad, and I know you would have been miserable without your new wife, so I really think this is the best thing that could have happend to you. My heart is filled with love for you and I feel selfish for feeling sad for myself, but just remember that my heart is filled with a warm and fuzzy feeling for you. And just know that whenever I hear from you, even if it is just a hello on the msn, it means the world to me...
............
pappa, sorg, saknad