First of all, BJ, thanks for your comment. You get where I am coming from...
My BF and I have talked, and cried, cried and talked. We are now trying to get some distance from eachother, and we are not going to see eachother for a couple of weeks, but we are going to keep in contact.
I have some issues within myself that I need to clarify. I need to understand my past and which emotions are from the past and which emotions are from the present. I need to understand my limits and my own needs.
I need to settle in myself.

Co-Dependency

Me...the most important person in my life?
I have decided that I am going to go to my first Al-Anon meeting (meeting for grown children to alcoholics) and see what I can get out from it.
The text belove describes how it can be to grow up in a family with alcoholism and how it can affect the child.

Why Be Codependent?
by Dr. Irene Matiatos

Why would anybody spend time and energy to control outcomes, while actively neglecting the inner self? How can they do this and not realize they are selling themselves short? The Why: they know no other way; the How: they received very good training early in life.

Any dysfunction in the family predisposes a child to codependent behavior. Children are biologically programmed to seek love and approval. They have to be cared for or they will die. When a parent or family member is dysfunctional, the child tends to focus on this person--rather than on enjoying a carefree and joyful kid existence. The child has to worry: if the caretaker does not care take, the child dies. For example, in an alcoholic home, little Sally has to worry about whether she can bring friends home - because daddy may be in a bad mood and embarrass her. Such events are training her in codependent thinking, the art of anticipating the other person. If mom is physically ill, Teddy has to worry about exerting her. Who would care for him if anything happened to her? If daddy is angry and controlling, Timmy needs to worry about pleasing him to avoid punishment and humiliation - and to get his conditional love and approval.

Children are naturally egocentric. That means that they see the world revolving around them. If mom and dad fight, children feel that it is somehow their fault. Julie may try to make her parents happy by getting straight As in school in an attempt to keep the parental marriage together. Another child may have an abusive, or simply overactive older sibling. Since the parents cannot be there at all times to police the situation, the younger sibling may learn to anticipate the sib's moods and to behave in ways that might increase the probability of "safety." Or, perhaps daddy is depressed. Jennifer may tiptoe around him wondering if he is unhappy because she is not good enough. And so on. In sum, codependent thinking tends to develop any time a child is growing up in a home where life is not care free. Often, addiction can be traced in the family tree of these dysfunctional families, whether there is an active addict in residence, or not. Nevertheless, these kids have an adult they have to worry about!

The codependent-in-training is taught to walk on eggshells. To ensure survival, the child learns to be extraordinarily sensitive in reading the moods and thoughts of others. The child learns very early to pay attention to and tiptoe around the dysfunctional family members - at the child's expense. These interactions take place silently, implicitly. The child learns to ignore the self's inner needs, instead pretending that all is OK.
.........
medberoende

White eyelashes

I have cried so much that the salt of my tears has created a white layer on my eyelashes.
I can´t sleep, I can´t eat, I feel like puking and I feel like crying all the time....

why?

My Love (yes, he is still my love) is so closed up in himself that he is impossible to reach.
He twists and turns my words into something that I don´t mean, and I don´t know how to reach him. I feel like whatever I say, it is wrong. I feel like there is no way of me to get him to hear me.
He feels like I judge him and dont accept him as he is, that is wrong! I accept him as he is, but his sickness makes him destuctive, and it is destructive for me and our relationship. That is not always so easy to handle.
He says he is the one who has been there for me, and I have not been there for him. Who was it then that have been there massaging his fingers and head to make him feel better when he wanted to die? Who has cooked him dinners every weekend just so that he would eat something. Who has paid for a trip to Amsterdam for his birthday? Who has told him he is the best in the world and that he is so much more than his decease? Who has hugged him when he has cried and said he doesnt want to live anymore? Who has taken him to different shows just so he would get some more positive experiences in his life? Who ran to his place and left everything else when he felt sad?
And no, I am not trying to say that I have been perfect, I have my faults too, and I have done my mistakes and I have my problems, but I have apologized for those mistakes and tried to make up for them.
My heart is breaking, I feel it, and it hurts likea thousand knives pushing trough my flesh...

.

Love and Hate, so close to eachother, so similar?
My Love is gone, his shoes no longer by my door....

.

Devil vs Angel??

It is interesting how you can be your own worst enemy.
We had a workshop with a project today, and afterwards we went out for dinner and to shoot some pool. Suddenly I just got into my head, that no, NOW I have to go home, and I went home. Even before I had stepped out from the poolhall I regretted my decision, as I would have wanted to stay longer and shoot some more pool. But I could not turn around as I had already said bye to everybody. I have been upset at myself for quite a while after this, although now I don´t really care about my decision.
I just can´t understand how I can want two opposite things at the same time?

Stillness....softness....serenity.
A warm bubblebath, a warm cup of tea, me.
Learning to dance, learning to express myself with my body.
Growing in my work, getting better.
Loving the one that loves me.
Life, up and down...down and up.



.

A letter to my long lost mum

Dear Mum,
It is quite many years since we have seen eachother, and even longer since we have really talked to eachother. Sometimes I still miss you, or I miss the mum that I wish you would have been. I know that you really loved me, but it was a twisted love you gave me. The greatest fear of yours was that I would stand on my own two feet and that I would not need you anymore. I stopped needing you long before you realized it, but I kept on dancing the dance of dependency, because that was the only dance I knew.
I still wish that I could really get to know you, that I could learn you desires, learn what made you happy, learn what made you sad, learn what you were afraid of, and learn who you really were. I ask people about you, but it seems like nobody really knew you, nobody really understood you ,except for your own mum, you two were really close.
I still carry your pain with me, Is it you who doesn´t want to let go, or is it me? In so many ways I feel like the only thing I have left of you is the pain you caused me, and when I don´t have that, I won´t have anything, my mum will be gone...You left a hole in me, a hole that cannot be filled by anybody else or anything else besides you, but you will never be there to fill it and plant some flowers on it to turn the pain into beauty.
I miss you, but I am also relived that you are no longer part of my life. I have finally started to feel free in my life, and I feel a serenity that I have never felt before. But with that serenity comes sadness, sadness for the loss of you, my mum who would have done anything for me. I hate how your life never became what you wanted it to be, and I hate the fact that you projected that disappointment on me, and that it caused me to feel responsible for your misery. Some people think that you should always love your parents, no matter what, some people think that you dont have to love them unless they treat you well. I am not sure where I stand....I dont miss the person you were, but I miss the person that you could have been. You were not a mean person, you were just a unhappy person that because of that became very selfcentric and destructive for yourself and the people around you. You taught me how to not live my life, and even if it was a fu*%ed up lesson, it showed me the dark side of life. It showed me what happens when you are not true to yourself or not brave enough.
I want to write you again, as I feel there are so many things I want to say to you. I want to belive that you hear me, there on the other side....I want to say a proper godbye to you, I want to let you go, and I want you to be happy.
When you were still alive, I wrote you a letter were I tried to explain how bad you made me feel. I translated some of the words from the song belove, and I wish you really understood what I meant....

You were my lesson I had to learn
I was your fortress you had to burn
Pain is a warning that something's wrong
I pray to God that it won't be long
Do ya wanna go higher?

There's nothing left to try
There's no place left to hide
There's no greater power
Than the power of good-bye

more work...

I have been pending between panic and exctasy the last few days. Why? Because of my work of course. That also seems to be the only thing I can think about and write about lately and maybe that is the problem?
When I am at work and I am doing my tasks it is going well and I feel extatic, when I come home and when it is time to sleep in the night, I feel panic. I know I should not think too much, and I should just do it instead, wthout too much thinking, without too much hesitation, that is when things usually go the best. I think I think so much because I am not sure that I am ready for this challenge, I am not sure I want my work to be that big part of my life...but I guess we will see how this goes, if I can keep my weeks to around 50 hours a week, then it is ok, but if it will exceed that, I think it will definetly affect my lifequality too much.
Anyway, this is the problem I have, I am afraid that my job will take control over my life and I don´t want that to happen. But once again, I guess that is my choice, is´nt it? So as I am writing, I start to wonder if control is the issue? I am afraid I wont have control over my project, myself and my life and that scares the shit out of me. But why would I not have control? There will be demands and there will be pressure but I can always say no, and my job is just a job, not my whole life. I guess I am afraid because I feel I don´t know my own limitis and I don´t know when it is time to say no....but now is the time to learn it then?

just....

My mum definetly thought me the most valuable lesson I have ever gotten. She showed me how to NOT live my life, what to NOT do to become unhappy.
Anyway, I am finally starting to realx after this hectic week. I am sitting on my sofa, under a dowblanket. I have watched TV for an hour and been eating some candy and potatoe chips and just pampered myself with whatever I want. Soon I will take a nice and warm bubblebath to really start the weekend, and later on I´ll watch a movie.
Tonight it is MY evening and that feels SOO good.
Later!

Priorities

I have been so busy the last few days that I have hardly had time to read emails or blogs. Today after a quite hectic day at work, after vacuuming and while doing the laundry I finally had time to visit my blogfriends and just sit down and think.
It is VERY exciting at work right now, and I LOVE the tasks I have to do. Project management is definetly my thing, lets just hope I will do it well. The downside is that I have not had any time for my friends and I think my BF might feel a bit neglected. There are quite a few people in the project office that have families and it is crazy to hear how they live their lives. They sit up and work until 2 in the morning because they need to take care of their kids in the evening, and then they get up at 7 o´clock the next morning again. I don´t think I could do that...I find it hard enough to have enough energy for work as it is....maybe this is a job I will only do right now, for a couple of years, and then I need to do something else when and if I get a family.
Now it is time for Greys anatomy and some candy... :)

Here we go...

Today my low selesteem is GONE! It was officially announced to the organization that I am going to be the total project manager for this project, and I am SO excited to start running MY project :) I know there will be bumps in the road, but I am visioning success and I think it will turn out ok.
The real deal starts tomorrow!

I also want to share the song "Learning to fly" by the genious Pink Floyd. It represents my life...

" There's no sensation to compare with this
Suspended animation, a state of bliss
Can't keep my mind from the circling skies
Tongue-tied and twisted just an earthbound misfit, I"