A creature from this world?

Half of my panamian family

2008-06-24T19:35:00.003+01:00

The mother and daughter from my Panamian family are moving to Sweden! :)
I am so happy that I am going to see them again, I just hope that I will be able to help them get their life started here in Sweden...it is not easy finding a apartment, neither a job here in Stockholm.... :S

Midsummer

2008-06-23T19:43:00.001+01:00

Rolemodel

2008-06-14T10:14:00.004+01:00

I have been on course this week that has been about human skills in project management.
It has been a really interesting week, and I got a lot to think about from it. The feedback that I got from one of the leaders, has changed my perception of myself quite a bit. She said that as soon as I get control of my inner emotional chaos, I will be a very strong person for women to model themselves on....
I have NEVER thought that I would be a rolemodel for anyone, and I was amazed aout the fact that she said this. But then again, I can also see, how I am moving towards becoming this whole person and how I actually want to help people by being a strong person. I guess I feel like I am on my way to fulfilling my destiny.... just to be a little spiritual here :)

Åland

2008-06-08T19:51:00.004+01:00

I have spent this weekend at Åland, with one of my choldhood friends and her two small kids. I LOVE Åland, it is one of the best summerplaces in the world, and when going to certain places it really feels like going 50 years back in time. Ending the weekend with sitting on the roof of my house, and feeling the wind blowing in my hair and the sun warming my face was perfect.

Boxing

2008-06-03T18:58:00.004+01:00

I went boxing today after work, GREAT exercise! But now my hands are shaking and I realized definetly need some more arm muscles :)

Distant Dreamer

2008-06-02T20:16:00.005+01:00

What a great weekend it has been again. The sun has been out, the weather has been warm, there was a free stand up festival, we barbacued and I took my first dip in the ocean this year.

Today I sat up on my roof after coming home from work and listened to this song.

I'm thinking about,
all the things,
I'd like to do in my life...

Sometimes

2008-05-28T20:38:00.006+01:00

Sometimes something might be lost,
without you ever having it.
Sometimes you loose your heart,
without giving it away.
Sometimes you say goodbye,
without saying hello.
Sometimes everything is nothing,
and nothing is everything...

Its my life!

2008-05-23T09:01:00.005+01:00

This ain't a song for the broken-hearted

A silent prayer for the faith-departed

I ain't gonna be just a face in the crowd

You're gonna hear my voice

When I shout it out loud

This is for the ones who stood their ground

For Tommy and Gina who never backed down

Tomorrow's getting harder make no mistake

Luck ain't even lucky

Got to make your own breaks

Better stand tall when they're calling you out

Don't bend, don't break, baby, don't back down

Time flies

2008-05-21T21:17:00.003+01:00

Dragons that I used to chase
Tease me from inside
The future's uncertain
Just like yesterday....

2008-05-13T21:16:00.006+01:00

"Oftentimes we say goodbye to the person we love without wanting to. Though that doesn’t mean that we've stopped loving them or we've stopped to care. Sometimes goodbye is a painful way to say I love you."
Kezia

Time, Memory and Love

2008-05-11T20:16:00.017+01:00

"Memory: a child walking along a seashore. You never can tell what a small pebble it will pick up and store away among its treasured things"
Pierce Harris

What a beautiful weekend it has been. The weather has been perfect and it amazing how much lighter you feel just because you can get some sun on your body.
But this weekend has been about more, it has been about the past, the present and the future. Some things feel like they just happend yesterday, although it might have been many months ago or many years ago. Some things become forgotten and lost, and will only exsist in other peoples memories.
But people that you have loved will always be a part of your memories, no matter what happens. The treasue bank with the memories from the people you have loved are usually filled with good and bad memories, but most of the time it is only the good memories that get lifted up to touch your soul and make it feel safe. Sometimes it might be the memories with the people you have loved, that brings you comfort when you feel lonely or makes you laugh when you feel bored. The memories of them is the treasure bank that can give you energy when it cannot be found in the future or the present. The people you have loved in the past might be people you need to learn to live without in your present and future, but you would still mourn them terribly if they would die because the meaning of them in your life has not become any less.
Love lasts....it just takes different shapes.

~ Love is never lost. If not reciprocated, it will flow back and soften and purify the heart.
Washington Irving

edith backlund

2008-04-28T12:56:00.005+01:00

I was on a concert on friday, with this (in my opinion) rising star! So I want to share her music with you. Take a moment and listen to her, and let me know what you think! :)

http://www.myspace.com/edithmusic

Change

2008-04-24T11:01:00.009+01:00

I read my whole blog yesterday, all the way from the first post about a need to write and not sure about fitting in.
The intention with my blog has changed quite a lot during time. First it was just a fun thing to do, then it became a tool to feel heard and now it is just a friend that I write to about the things happening in my life. I have become a bit more restrictive about what I write though, as my need to be heard has been fulfilled. I have been able to tell about my childhood, and I have been heard by people who has been in similar siuations. I did the griefrecovery workshoop where I felt I was allowed to let go of my mother, and since then I am not bitter any longer, instead I am able to remember the good things about my her, and the memories are no longer a stone in my shoe. I have moved the most "infected" posts to another place as I don´t feel comfortable about having them here.
There are still things I need to work on, and there always will be, and I guess that is the same for all humans, we keep growing all the time. But this blog will not be the forum for those thoughts. Nothing lasts forever, and they say that it is not the most intelligent ones or the thoughest ones that survives the evolution, it is the ones who are most adaptable to change, and I find that quite interesting. I have not yet found the new intention with this blog, if there even is one, but time will tell :)

Spring is coming to town

2008-04-20T19:50:00.005+01:00

What a beautiful day it has been today...for the first time it really feels like spring is here and the sun has been shining during the whole day. I have spent most of the day at Kungsträdgården with some friends and I have also met one of my blogfriends for the first time. Maria, thanks for a couple of really nice hours in the sun with some icecream :)
Hope you all had a really good day!

Lollipops

2008-04-12T17:18:00.003+01:00

One of my friends since high school came and visited me for the weekend a couple of weeks ago. She is nowadays a mum to two small children, and enjoyed just getting time for herself. I mentioned that I really like chupachups lollypops and I miss them, as they are not that easy to find here in Sweden.
Yesterday I got mail! :) She sent me lollypops and a letter. It made me really happy :)

Fear

2008-04-11T22:50:00.002+01:00

The things we fear the most, has already happend to us.

Boredom

2008-04-10T11:55:00.003+01:00

Life is never boring but some people choose to be bored. The concept of boredom entails an inability to use up present moments in a personally fulfilling way. Boredom is a choice; something you visit upon yourself, and it is another of those self-defeating items that you can eliminate from your life
WAYNE W. DYER, Your Erroneous Zones

I am bored right now. At my work we are still in the reorganization period and I have not been given an interesting assignment yet. I have some small things that I am working on, but not too much. Being bored at work and being single is not the best situation for me, I feel like I don´t get enough stimulation and I start thinking too much.
I guess there can´t always be something happening, but that is still kind of what I am used to and what I want. But I am going to try to see this as a challenge, as a opportunity to start learning to just be in the everyday life and with myself. I went to the libray yesterday just to read, and it was nice, because I am reading a very good book, but I realized a café is better :) And when it comes to work, I have a great opportunity to read more about strategy thinking.

Cafées

2008-04-04T21:03:00.009+01:00

A good friend of mine says that the best way of meeting people is going alone to cafes and sit and read or do something else. I decided that I am going to try it and see what happens. I have to admit that it is way more pleasent to go to a cafe´, order a green tea, sit down and read a book and watch people instead of sitting home alone on your couch and read the book. To sum it up, I have come to the conclusion that this is a great way of spending time with yourself.
Anyway, I did this today for the first time, first I went to one café and sat there and read for a while. Then I went for a walk and ended up in another place and I had only sat there for just a few minutes, when an eldery man came up to me and asked me to help him with some swedish words, he told me he had moved here from Iraq in october 2007. We eneded up talking for two hours and I told him about the swedish society, and a lot of things were very strange for him. When I told him about people living together without being married, about gay marriges and so on, he was just stunned. But he took it very well, and he seemed like a very smart man.
So, this is something that usually only happens when I travel... or that is probably because I have never got into the routine to go alone to cafés when being home. :) I think today was a proof that this should be a new hobby of mine, just to go to cafés to read a book, and see if something else happens or not :)

Life and Malta

2008-04-01T21:05:00.007+01:00

The roofterrace with a pool and some really nice sunshine :)

I have always had quite heavy thoughts when I wake up in the morning. Theese last few weeks my first question has been: "what is the meaning of life?" I have not come to a satisfactory answer and this morning I realized that I am asking the wrong question, beacuse there is no answer to that question, so I changed my question to: "how do I want to live my life?" Now, this is a question that I can answer and have control over....so now I just need to figure out what the answer is.

Interesting decoration

Anyway, Malta was a great weekend trip, and it felt like starting the summer a bit earlier, even the flowers smelled the same as they do here in the summertime, and it was great to feel that smell again. :)

Here are some more pics from Malta:Typical view in Malta

The city of Valetta

Malta!

2008-03-27T12:16:00.000Z

Going on a last minute weekend trip to Malta!
See ya! :)

6 words

2008-03-25T18:55:00.002Z

Today I read an article in the Metro about there being a new hype in the US where you are supposed to describe yourself with 6 words. Apperantly it is "amazing" how much you can get to know about a person in just six words. So here are my six words:

adventerous
thinker
honest
kind
supportive
rootless

Anybody else up for 6 words?

honest communication

2008-03-19T12:05:00.001Z

My manager came to me an apologized and said she feels like she has let me down, and she wanted me to know that she does support me in my career and daily work. It felt good, because she was right, I have felt like she has not been the manager I thought or hoped she would be (she is quite new in her position) but now it is ok, as she apologized.
I also had a dinner with a friend on Monday, or she was an acquaintance, but now I consider her a friend. We talked very honestly about values and the world and how our values sometimes do not fit into the world. Just sharing the same opinions and some honest feelings made the whole evening so special. A sense o lightness, safety and happiness came over me after that evening.

How easy it sometimes is to make things better. Just some honest communication and things are a lot easier than they seemed.

2008-03-12T20:44:00.003Z

Never dull your shine for somebody else.

What a great saying to remember.

connection

2008-03-10T21:43:00.005Z

My friend was here and we had a great time...I really enjoyed her company and she reminded me of how much I miss having somebody to love...somebody to just enjoy the simple things in life with, like watching an ant carry some food, watching the sunset, sitting on the couch and drinking some tea and watching the ocean, or just sitting and talking with another human being and feeling that connection, feeling that you are on the same level and you understand eachother in a special way. A way that creates this little bubble where only you and the person you love are in.
I also miss the attraction to another person. Watching a man and just being proud of him being yours, or just being able to look at him after months of being together and still think that he is the most gorgeous looking man you have ever seen.
There are a lot of things I miss from having a relationship, but love is not something you can hunt down, you just have to wait for it to suddenly appear....Love is a suprise that you are lucky to get, maybe one day again...

Can´t wait!

2008-03-04T21:07:00.003Z

Tomorrow one of my best friends is going to come here to Stockholm to see me! :) She is now living in Paris and I met her when I lived in the US. We traveled together in Africa for six weeks and now it is 1,5 years since I saw her last. Can´t wait to see her! :)

If I just lay here....

2008-03-01T11:48:00.001Z

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I am beat....

2008-02-26T14:15:00.004Z

Today my whole body is aching and I feel like I am getting sick....I think it is because of the very intense last week.
Not only did I once again have to make a new decision to say no to the manager position (although I am flattered that they called and asked me to reconsider) but 90% of our unit was sold to another company, and people were very upset with that. I belong to the remaining 10% who is staying on the original company, but for quite a while we did not know where we belong to. Then the week continued with the three day long grief recovery workshop, and I continued using the tools I have learned to grief some other people during the weekend, and now I am just beat.....I guess it is my body saying that I need to stop for a while, and that is what I am going to do. I am not going to train as I planned to, instead I am going to go home and take a long warm bath.

Third day of grief recovery

2008-02-23T11:13:00.005Z

Yesterday it was the third day of the grief recovery workshop. It was the roughest day for my part as this day consisted of making a relationship chart over mine and my mother relationship, and also writing a fullfilment letter, that you can also partly call a goodbye letter. Reading the relationship chart was really hard, but reading the fullfilment letter actually made me feel like something was flying away from me. After I had read the letter I remember watching up to the roof and thinking she is free and so am I....I am not going to publish the whole letter as it was quite long, but I will publish the end of it here, the part of letting go:

I want you to know, that despite everything I really miss you in my life and I wish that things could have been different. I want you to know that you were my security and the best person in the world when I was a little kid, I was just so mad at you for choosing alcohol instead of me, and that is something I am still sad about, but I forgive you for that. I would have loved to keep my mother with me for a longer time. I want you to know that I have blackpainted you for a long time, just to be able to handle the rejection I felt from you, but I dont want to do it anymore, I want to say goodbye to you and live my life. You need to know that me letting go does not mean that I will forget you or that I don´t love you, it only means that I dont want to feel tha pain anymore and I don´t want to let it affect my life in the same way anymore.
Thank you mother for loving me so much as you did and I want you to know that I am so very sad for the fact that life was such a big darkness for you, and so many times I wished I would have had magic powers that would have helped you. Despite everything, I will cherish my positive memories of you in my heart.
I know that you are afraid of letting go, and so am I, but maybe it is time for us to do it? Maybe we can do it together? Both be free from the prison of the past.

I miss you a lot mum, more than I have wanted to admit, and I love you.

I forgive you for all the bad memories, and I know you always tried your best, but now it is time to say goodbye.

Goodbye mother

Second day of Grief recovery

2008-02-21T20:00:00.004Z

Today we presented our loss charts. A loss chart is a chart that shows the losses in your life. It was hard to tell about it to the other people in the goup and some losses definetly still hurts...
Our second task was to imagine that you would die in an hour and you needed to write our last toughts before you would die. You also needed to write a letter to the ones left behind and here is my letter:

Since I moved away from home, my life has become better and better. With theese words I dont want to make anybody feel guilty or punish anybody, it was nobodys fault how things were. We were all unhappy in my family home and it is is better for all of us, as things are now. The meaning of life is to be happy, and that is why everything happend just the way it was supposed to happen. With this I want to say that don´t lock yourselves into a selfmade prison to which only you have the key to. If you feel that you have to punish yourself for something you have done, then look at yourselves, learn from the experience and dont do it again. That way you will be able to open the lock to your prison.
The meaning of life is to live in freedom with yourself, not to lock yourself in, in accordance to what other people think or what society thinks, the only one who can keep yourself free is you. Dont make my mistake and spend half of your life punishing youself for things that were not your fault, but learn to let go of what hurts and allow yourself to enjoy life to 110%!

First day of Grief Recovery

2008-02-20T21:22:00.005Z

Today was the first day of the grief recovery workshop (www.sorg.se) I am attending.
This day was not that hard as it consisted mostly of lectures, but there were som tragic lifestorys that were shared with the group.
Tomorrow and on Friday we are going to work more on our own grief and we are also going to choose a person that we are going to mourn. I am guessing mine will be my mother although there are two more candidates that needs closure, but I will probably take them at a later point.
Right now I am just feeling sad, but that is part of the process.....

Winter beauty

2008-02-17T21:43:00.007Z

I was home in Finland during this weekend to attend a wedding. Once again I was feeling reliefed once I was on my way back home to Stockholm. But I was struck by the beauty of my hometown. When living there as a kid I never realized what a oasis I was living in, I did not see the beauty of the sea and the archipelago and I did not feel the peacefulness in the town.
There is a major difference from the buzzling Stockholm and this sleeping summertown, which is taking its beautysleep during the wintertime to be at its best during the summertime. Still....for me there is more under the surface than what is showing, the icecold sleep is hiding old memories from the past, memories that cannot be erased....

List

2008-02-12T21:15:00.001Z

I got a challenge from Maria, and it is a long time since I did one the last time, so here we go:

What did you do ten years ago?
I lived in a small town in south of Finland, studied and lived a decadent life. Those days are now gone (lucklily!)

What did you do a year ago?
I celebrated that it was a year since I moved to Stockholm and felt happy that I had finally made the decision to move here. It really feels like my home :)

Three kind of candy you like?
Sura remmar, turkish pepper and chupachops lollipops

Three songs that you know all the words to?
Hmm....Enternal flame with Bangles, Chiquitita with Abba and....Touch me with Samantha Fox. All those old goodies ;)

What would you do if you were a millionare?
I would spend my time working with trying to give away money to places needed, or have different projects to build schools etc. Then I would also have a home in the Fiji Islands, Sydney and somewhere in the Caribbean....and some other stuff here and there :)

Three bad habits?
I like eating chocolate to breakfast in the weekends, I like having cake at least once a week, I like watching reality (crap) TV.

Three things you like to do?
Dancing, sunbathing, travelling

Three things you would never wear or buy?
Neon coloured t-shirts, goth clothes, ??

Three favourite things?
A picture of my grandmother, a seal toy that I have had since I was 8 years old, a painting I bought from Benin in Africa

Saying No.

2008-02-07T18:39:00.000Z

I did the whole day management assesment today and I decided that I am not going to take the position as a manager.
I feel like I am not ready for it yet, and I would probably be able to do it, but I feel the chances for a burn out would be very big.
Saying no is also a strength ;)

3:rd step in jobinterview

2008-02-04T11:34:00.000Z

OMG! The next step is to have a whole day management assesment with interviews, IQ test, perosnality test, motivation test and role playing. I don´t feel like I am ready to become a manager and I guess that will show up in the test, but it is definetly going to be an interesting experience with some good feedback....wish me luck...or something :)

2:nd interview

2008-01-30T20:06:00.000Z

Tomorrow I have the second interview for the manager position that I dont even know if I want....the funny/weird thing is, that he is coming over to my workplace to meet me, instead of me going there....I guess it is a good sign ;)

Fine wine

2008-01-30T09:46:00.000Z

"I am like a fine wine, the older I get, the better I get!"

"You Learn", Alanis Morissette

I recommend getting your heart trampled on to anyone

I recommend walking around naked in your living room

Swallow it down (what a jagged little pill)

It feels so good (swimming in your stomach)

Wait until the dust settles

You live you learn

You love you learn

You cry you learn

You lose you learn

You bleed you learn

You scream you learn

I recommend biting off more then you can chew to anyoneI certainly do

I recommend sticking your foot in your mouth at any timeFeel free

Throw it down (the caution blocks you from the wind)

Hold it up (to the rays)

You wait and see when the smoke clears

You live you learn

You love you learn

You cry you learn

You lose you learn

You bleed you learn

You scream you learn

Wear it out (the way a three-year-old would do)

Melt it down (you're gonna have to eventually anyway)

The fire trucks are coming up around the bend

You live you learn

You love you learn

You cry you learn

You lose you learn

You bleed you learn

You scream you learn

You grieve you learn

You choke you learn

You laugh you learn

You choose you learn

You pray you learn

You ask you learn

You live you learn

Love, The Greatest Gift

2008-01-29T21:05:00.000Z

I am just human, I am not God, I can´t save anybody else, I can´t change anybody else, I can´t carry anybody else, but still, I am not useless, I have the greatest gift of all to give: Love.

Love, The Greatest Gift
Kathy Gandy
Though I may speak in other tongues
and the future I may see.
If the gift of LOVE I do not have,
what good would all this be?

If I had the gift of faith
and every mountain I could move;
But never had LOVE for my fellowman
then what would this faith prove?

If I gave everything I have away
to the poor who do without,
But I never showed LOVE for anyone
what would I have to boast about?

The gift of LOVE is patient
The gift of LOVE is kind
The gift of LOVE is never proud
and this gift I seek to find!

The gift of LOVE holds no grudge
and it keeps no record of wrong.
The gift of LOVE never loses faith
and it's sure to make us strong.

The gift of LOVE will last forever
and like the others it won't disappear.
The gift of LOVE will never cease
it's a gift that's always here!

So desire the gift of LOVE
and let it be your highest goal.
For LOVE ~ is the greatest gift,
and it endures like faith and hope!

Happiness?

2008-01-29T11:48:00.000Z

I have been thinking a lot about happiness lately. Mostly I think about it in the mornings when I wake up, because for some reason, the bad things always comes first into my mind when I wake up. I don´t want to have that kind of a start of the day. I would rather have happy thoughts when I wake up, or maybe not even happy, but at least just neutral and peaceful thoughts.
I definetly belive that happiness and satisfaction comes from the inside, of course outside factors affects you, but that is still not what rules you and your happiness, or it should´nt.
It is a lot easier to look outside yourself for what can bring you happiness, because then you can remove the responsibility from yourself and you can blame other things for not being happy. But when I for example wake up, and the first thoughts I get into my head is the bad things, how can that be anybody elses responsibility but mine?
I am going to work more on living in the moment, and worrying less about the future or the past. Another thing I want to work on is knowing what I can control and what is out of my control, that is a hard one....Relaxing a bit more in the everyday routine life and being able to feel peaceful about "the boring life" is another thing. Realizing that the real life is not on adventures around the world but the everyday life you live most of the time.
The Buddhists are right in many things.

A better day

2008-01-27T09:44:00.000Z

I am a lot less swollen today, I can bite in soft things, I can open my mouth more, I had a good nights sleep and the sun is shining.
I feel a lot better today,after two terrible days... :)

Toothache

2008-01-25T13:43:00.000Z

The surgery went quite well, it is now that it is starting to hurt...my whole lower jaw on the left side feels numb and is thumbing. I cant open my mouth, bacuase if I do, some heavy bleading starts. It is starting to looking like I have a tennisball in my cheek and I have troubles swallowing. If move to fast I start feeling like puking. The worst thing is that they say that the second day is the worst..... :/
This is one of those days when it really sucks to be single and not have a caring family.

Tooth

2008-01-24T20:47:00.000Z

Tomorrow it is time for the surgery to remove my tooth....aiks! :/

Angel Dust

2008-01-23T12:11:00.000Z

Just a story that I wrote because I wanted to be creative. No morals in the story, and no hidden meaning , and not even a good story either :)

Once upon a time, there was an angel hovering around in the dark space bumping into stars, laughing with the meteors and playing with the stardust floating peacefully around in the silent space.

She was happy with her life, or she did not even realize that she had a life or was a living creature. The question is, if she even existed? One day she bumped into another angel, and she did not quite know what “it” was at first. “It” was a strange thing, shining like a star, looking translucent, having this aura around “it” that made “it” glow and had you drawn to “it”. She did not know what to do when she bumped into the angel and for the first time she realized she was something. She could not hover around by herself anymore because she had become a definition, in the connection with this other angel.

The angels started floating around in space together and the more time they spent together, the less translucent they became. They also realized that it became harder for them to float and they started feeling heavier. One day they floated by the brightest star of them all, it was shining with different colors, and the colors made sounds that sounded like dolphins whispering love chants to each other. They decided to do something neither of them had done before; they decided to settle down on the star. The star became their home, although it was more like a living place as home was not a familiar word. On the star they were able to become more translucent again and started floating around on the star, exploring the new world they were in. Sometimes they did the discoveries on their own and sometimes with each other. They learned new truths about reality and started seeing that they were everything, that things change, but things are still the same.

The love they had for each other created cosmical explosions, that where phenomenon’s that had never been seen before. These cosmical explosions created energy that moved around them in different colors and they felt like light breezes around their feet. The light breeze followed them everywhere and grew stronger by every day, soon the breezes were not light breezes anymore, but strong hurricanes with their own will. The hurricanes were ready to leave the star, and so they did. The angels felt empty and alone when no breeze was around their feet anymore, but at the same time they were feeling sleepier than ever…

Soon the angels had fallen to sleep forever, on the light bed of the star. The star was increasingly glowing brighter and with the angles sleeping on it, it had become the leading star for many in distress….

Interview

2008-01-21T19:03:00.000Z

I had an interview for a manager position in my company today. I am not sure I even want to change job as I love the one that I have as a project manager, but we´ll see.
Me and the interviewer got along very well, and the situation actually turned kind of weird when we started talking about that we both have alcoholic mothers and how it has affected us. The even funnier thing is that she was also the one that interviewed me when I first started working in the company where I work now. Anyway, when I left, she hugged me so I guess I made a good impression. :) She is however not going to be the one that is deciding about this position, so we´ll see....

Lion dream

2008-01-19T09:21:00.000Z

I had a restless night last night...one of my dreams was that Stockholm had been invided with lions that had escaped from the zoo. I watched from my window in my home how several people were bitten to death by the lions, and the blood was just flowing on the streets. The lions stared at me with hostility and roared. I live on the first floor in a house and I knew I wasnt safe. I felt a lot of fear, because I felt the lions were so unpredictable, I felt like if they wanted, they could just jump trough my window and eat me if they wished to. The dream was filled with fear and helplessness.
I also had another dream, a dream about trying and failing again, but I am not going to go into that dream right now...

Baby Deer

2008-01-18T08:46:00.000Z

I saw two baby deers cross the street on my way to work today. I live in the middle of Stockholm and seeing theese two babies looking all confused with their big brown eyes was a strange sensation. They were all peaceful and in no hurry. They were walking into the park just next to me and they made me smile. Can I see two baby deers on my way to work, then anything can happen :)

NOTE: There is a forrest quite nearby, and I am sure they will be fine and find their way back there, at least that is what I tell myself :/

Pressure

2008-01-16T21:49:00.001Z

Found out today, that if my project does not deliver on time, all of the employees in my company (about 1000 people) will be without a bonus....talk about pressure!! :/

People in white jackets...

2008-01-16T20:03:00.000Z

I went to the doctors today where I had a VERY unpleasent examination, but I saw myself from the inside which was kind of cool....but I am happy that theese kind of examinations are the ones you make maybe once in a lifetime.
Tomorrow it is time for the dentist again, not yet to have surgery on the tooth but still...my life seems to be dominated by people in white jackets nowadays... :/

The dentist

2008-01-11T15:24:00.000Z

back to reality with a crash....or actually with the dentist.
I guess I do have a real phobia when it comes to dentists....when I was a kid (around 8 years old), I hade 6 holes in my teeth, and 4 of them needed rootfilling, and the dentist did it without ANY anestisia!! It hurt so baad, and all she did was tell me to open my mouth some more and lie still.....
My phobia seems to be getting worse day by day also, the tears were just falling down my cheeks and I could hardly breath today at the dentists, but I got trough it! The thing is....in a couple of weeks I need to go there again and have a surgery to remove one of my teeth (don´t know what it is called in english....wisdomtooth? the ones that does not start growing until you are older?)
Aiks! Anybody willing to come and hold my hand....? :/

sun is setting

2008-01-05T01:23:00.001Z

The sun is setting and my trip is coming to an end....Time has gone by so fast that I dont think that I have even realized that I have actually been in Panama....maybe a couple of more hours in the sun tomorrow, and then off I go, Back home....

Isla Taboga

2008-01-04T01:16:00.000Z

yep, I ended up leaving the beach I spent New Years at. I got some undercooked fish at the hotel for dinner, which I ended up throwing up the rest of the night, the food wad NOT good there (and yes, I know this might be too much information to some of you, but I still thought you needed to know ;))
Iwanted to come to Tagora Island already yesterday, but the plane was delayed so I did not have a chance to catch the ferry. Luckily my Panamian family called me earlier during the day and wanted to see me beofre I went back home, so I spent the night at their house. They are a great family, and I got a Panamian flag from the dad when we said goodbye and he told me it was for me to remember my Panamian family, they are so sweet!
Taboga island was the perfect second to last day stop. This is actually the first time during my trip that I feel like I even have had time to think and reflect. The day after tomorrow I will be on my way home (NOT looking forward to the 25 hour trip!) and I have had some intense past weeks. There are three women, 10-20 years older than me that I have met during my trip and I think two of them were supposed to meet me and one of them I was supposed to meet (with supposed to meet I mean I have had knowledge or experiences that they could take use of, or the opposite) We have had some really serious and deep discussions that I think we all in different ways have gained from, or will gain from. This was one thing that I did not expect from my trip.
Tomorrow I will head back to Panama City and that will be my last whole day in Panama. Right now I am pretty beat, there has been so much happening all the time and I am actually looking forward to having some routines in my life (at least for a week or so ;)) I miss all of you back home, and I am looking forward to seeing you again :)

The view from my current hotelroom, perfect or not?? ;)

monekys in the trees

2007-12-31T03:09:00.001Z

aaah....what a weekend. I have spent the weekend with the nudists and his brother and girlfriend out on an island. Yesterday we took a boat out to one of the unhabited islands and yesterday we have spent the day on the island we lived on. Sharon and I took a walk to the beach trough the jungle and suddenly we see some monkeys in the trees, and they were so cute, there was one baby with them and one of them had a even smaller baby on her stomach. We just watched them as they wer peacefully moving ahead in the trees. Last came the dad, and he had a different attitude, naive as we were, we continued watching him. he watched us....for a while, and then he starts making all theese noices and suddenly he is about to attack us! We freak out and dont know what to do, but start walking away from there and he stops. I have heard that monkeys can be really aggressive and I have even been bit by one in Thailand (and gotten 5 rabies shots) so I have respect for them. Anyway, we walk to our beach and discover that the monkeys have followed us! The male keeps making theese gorilla noices and it seems like he is calling more males there, because soon we hear quite a few gorillas screaming in the trees, we stand in the water and are afraid of getting our stuff on the beach, it was actually kind of funny... :) Anyway, soon the monkeys realize that we are not going to hurt them and they fall asleep in the trees...we sneak away from the beach while they are sleeping :)
Tomorrow I will go to the town of David and that is where I will most likely spend my new year....we'll see :)

Boquette

2007-12-29T12:55:00.000Z

Well, I ended up to take the bus to David already yesterday. The nudist couple came and pick me up and I am now at the husbands brothers house in Boquette. It is a VERY nice place and it feels like a luxury hotel (might try to publish some pictures later)Today they are taking me to an island and we are staying there overnight, I am really looking forward to that. After theese couple of days, I think I will take a few days just for myself, I feel I need that before I go home, have'nt been suffering too much of loneliness while being here, but it has been great, and I can't belive I have met so many nice people who are just taking me everywhere :)See you in a couple of days!

Horrible night

2007-12-27T23:19:00.000Z

Yesterday I went to a beach to meet a couple of people I met in Contadora. We had a nice evening with some chatting and then it was time to go to bed. Everything was fine until I started hearing some strange noices, I wonder what it is, but don't think anything more about it. Then it continues and I turn on the lights and I see a mouse or a rat, I am not sure which it was as it was so big. I kind of freak about it, but think that it will go away. I leave the porch light on to have some light in the room and to be able to see what is going on. Maybe that was a mistake? I soon realize that I have at least three giant mice in my room, and maybe more. I turn on the lights and leave the lights on...I can tell you, that I did not get anymore sleep that night (and I paid 45 dollars for that room!!).Now I am back in the city again and I am struggling to find a place to live in during new year, I would not like to be in the city, but EVERYTHING else is fully booked, belive it or not. It is kind of a disappointment as I would have liked to stay on some of the islands or on some of the beaches, but there are no rooms free... :/ It is kind of annoying and frustrating, but it will solve itself out somehow....We'll see...ps. (this day has been filled with bad luck, hope tomorrow is better)

My christmas

2007-12-25T18:37:00.000Z

I had a wonderful christmas. The family that I am staying with are so nice and they have so much love for eachother that some of it even gets to me :)We had this amazing christmas dinner yesterday with good meat, coconut rise with raisins, sweet plantana and an amazing cake. Of course we drank homemade sangria to the dinner. After dinner we waited for the fieworks to start and then it was time to walk around to all he neighbours and wish merry christmas. Before twelve o clock it is apperantly family time and after that it is party time. One of the neighbours had his big sound systme on his yard and he played very loud christmas music before twelve o clock and then it was time for samba and salsa music all night long :)

Helping to cook dinner :)

The wonderful christmas dinner

My panamian family :)

Merry Christmas!

2007-12-24T22:36:00.000Z

So this is christmas....the christmas eve is already over in Scandinavia and I am feeling a bit nostalgic....Anyway, right now I am in a Panamaian home as they have invited me to spend christmas with them, without even knowing me. Apperantly christmas is not that big of a thing here in Panama and they all wait for the clock to be twelve o clock as they then can welcome christmas. Apperantly they also have fireworks on christmas night so they wait for that.
The whole family is out buying food for dinner right now and I am here bymyself, having the first calm moment since I came here. A bit of sadness comes over me when thinking of past christmas eve, love, and past and future....Christmas has always been hard for me, but I have a few good memories from christmas also, and somehow those seem to be hurting the worst right now...Life is so strange sometimes and I guess this is just one of those days when you are extra sensitive to a lot of things.
Anyway, hope you all had a good christmas and we will see what this chirstmas brings to me :)

Rain and rain

2007-12-24T01:01:00.001Z

Today it has been raining cats and dogs from heaven, so not too much beachlife today....I have spent most of my time with the two nudists, who has adopted me as their daugther by the way ;), even though the husband keeps hitting on me all the time which is kind of annoying.Tomorrow I am heading up to Panama City again. I have met so many nice people during my few days here and I am going to stay the womans (who I met on my way to Panama) friends house and spend christmas with them. Then the two nudists are heading the same way as I am on the 26th and they have offered me a ride and also a bed to sleep for a couple of nights in at the husbands brothers house. Might take up on that offer.It is going to be interesting to see what christmas brings this year. The woman from the plane told me that they eat ham also here in Panama, but instead of covering it with mustard they cover it with brown sugar and pineapples.....interesting :)

Contadora

2007-12-22T01:34:00.000Z

Today I have gotten a bit sunburnt. I have spent the whole day on a nudist beach (called the sweedes beach) with a nudist couple from Texas, who are around 50 years old (yes I know, most of the people I have met are around that age) I was not brave enough to get naked but they were and we had some nice talks on the beach. :)
Contadora is a beautiful island, but not very developed.When I landeed on the island in the small propellerplane we came in, I felt like I was getting into the TV show Lost, I seriously suspect is has been filmed womewhere around here because is look so similar. There are no cars on the island, so you move around in a golfcart, or walking. Today it has been probably around 35 degrees warm so I can tell you it was VERY hot to walk to and from the beach.

Cloudy Panama City

2007-12-20T18:58:00.001Z

The weather has not been that great today, but I still did get to make a nice walk to causeaway. It was nice to get out of the city and just be more in the nature and closer to the ocean. I chatted for a short while with a finnish woman who was 65-70 years old and she was going to travel around in central and south america for half a year on her own! I did not have time to talk with her enough to hear her story and where she had found the courage to that at her age, but I have to say I do admire her.
Today I am going to Contadora, and at least I will have a place to sleep in tonight. Hopefully also a couple of more nights, but that is a bit uncertain as everything seems to be very full now before christmas, but it will work itself out....hopefully ;)

Almost on my way...

2007-12-17T21:54:00.001Z

Can´t belive it....I am actually set to go...or almost, have some small things still to pack, and need to do the dishes and so on, but I am on my way!
I discovered that there was no need for a transit visa, so I did not need to worry, I could probably even stay at a hotel over night near the airport, but I am not sure if I find it worth it to pay 1000 kr just for sleeping a few hours....but we´ll see.
I don´t think that I have quite understood yet that I am actually going to Panama, but maybe I´ll understand it once I am there when it is so hot that I can´t wear jeans ;)
Anyway, one season of Heroes can be found on my IPOD, I have snacks, books and a pillow with me, so I will be fine :)

Hard to understand...

2007-12-17T08:24:00.001Z

Nothing said, so that nothing that can be held against me, but....sometimes people make it really hard to even like them.....

sweet dreams...

2007-12-16T12:38:00.000Z

Sweet dreams are made of this
Who am I to disagree?
Travel the world and the seven seas
Everybody's looking for something
Some of them want to use you
Some of them want to get used by you
Some of them want to abuse you
Some of them want to be abused

No transit visa

2007-12-14T15:00:00.000Z

F*?CK!! I am panicking again. One of my colleeges told me that he had a transfer flight in the US and his wife had an old passport, and they had problems getting trough.I don´t have a transit visa, and I would not need to have one if I would have one of those new passports, but I have an old one, and I am not sure what the policy is with an old passport. I have been calling around all day and looking up info on the net, and I am getting mixed messages. The american embassy has not been open today, and they are the only ones who can give a definite answer.A transit visa should apperantly be issued immediately, so if I need one, I can hopefully get one on monday.Damn it! I am nervous about not being able to travel to Panama at all..... :/

2007-12-13T21:13:00.001Z

today....1,5 years since we met...but no anniversary.
I have not stopped caring, I have not stopped thinking,
but I can´t change life.
Letting go of someone you love is one of
the hardest things a person has to do.

Living

2007-12-10T20:49:00.000Z

The sun has fallen and I’ve become
The lonely one

The moon is dancing among the clouds
And my knees are shaking,
And my dreams are breaking
But I know I live
But I know I live, today

Trip Planning

2007-12-09T10:28:00.000Z

I booked my trip to Panama about a month ago. It was´nt until a few days ago that I really took a good look at my booking. I have been so disconnected to the world that I have´nt really been aware of anything....anyway, I got a small unpleasent suprise when looking at my flights, I have to wait at JFK (New York) for 12 HOURS!!! and as if that would not be bad enough, I will be there in the middle of the night!! Sigh....I booked a hotel near the airport, but then realized that because I dont have a transit visa to US or anything I probably wont be able to leave the airport during theese 12 hours....oh well, I need to call the american embassy tomorrow and see what the conditions are, but most likely I will be stuck in the airport for 12 hours and having to sleep on the floor in some corner. But this will be ok, it is not like it would be the first time I am doing it.
Then my colleeges also gave me a big scare about my passport. The passport has to be valid for six months after travelling, and I was not sure about the exact rules on where you start counting the six months. My passport expires in July, but I called the finnish embassy and found out that the passport has to be valid 6 months from the day you arrive home, so I am safe, my passport is valid 6 months and 10 days after I arrive home, but yes, I am cutting it very close.... :/
Anyway, I just need to figure out the 12 hours in JFK and then I hopefully have everything set....keep your fingers crossed, and yes, I am going to start focusing more on my trip.

pain and pain and pain...

2007-12-08T12:01:00.001Z

I have not written here so much lately, it is beacuse I have been feeling so sad for loosing the person who has been so close to me for such a long time, and it is the only thing I can think about. It is a very painful loss, and it is very hard to accept.
There has been so much sadness in my life theese last few months and it has been hard to handle, it has been all about keeping my head above the surface to avoid drowning. I really miss him...but nothing can change the situation as it is.

Dispair

I hate the fact that I am alone again and that I don´t belong anywhere.
I hate that I can´t hug him and cuddle him whenever I want.
I hate that I can´t talk with him every day.
I hate that I lost my closest friend.
I hate that life has to be so unfair.
I hate that all our common memories are just painful at the moment.
I hate that everything is painful at the moment.
I hate that I think about him all the time.
I hate that love has to hurt so much.

Sometimes people come into your life..

2007-12-03T21:43:00.000Z

Sometimes people come into your life and you know
right away that they were meant to be there, to serve
some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson, or to help
you figure out who you are or who you want to become.

You never know who these people may be - a roommate, a
neighbor, a professor, a friend, a lover, or even a
complete stranger - but when you lock eyes with them,
you know at that very moment they will affect your
life in some profound way.

Sometimes things happen to you that may seem horrible,
painful, and unfair at first, but in reflection you
find that without overcoming those obstacles you would
have never realized your potential, strength,
willpower, or heart.

Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness,
and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of
your soul. Without these small tests, whatever they
may be, life would be like a smoothly paved straight
flat road to nowhere. It would be safe and
comfortable, but dull and utterly pointless.

The people you meet who affect your life, and the
success and downfalls you experience, help to create
who you are and who you become. Even the bad
experiences can be learned from. In fact, they are
sometimes the most important ones.

If someone loves you, give love back to them in
whatever way you can, not only because they love you,
but because in a way, they are teaching you to love
and how to open your heart and eyes to things.

If someone hurts you, betrays you, or breaks your
heart, forgive them, for they have helped you learn
about trust and the importance of being cautious to
whom you open your heart.

Make every day count. Appreciate every moment and take
from those moments everything that you possibly can
for you may never be able to experience it again. Talk
to people that you have never talked to before, and
listen to what they have to say.

Let yourself fall in love, break free, and set your
sights high. Hold your head up because you have every
right to. Tell yourself you are a great individual and
believe in yourself, for if you don't believe in
yourself, it will be hard for others to believe in
you.

You can make anything you wish of your life. Create
your own life and then go out and live it with
absolutely no regrets.

And if you love someone tell them, for you never know
what tomorrow may have in store.

Learn a lesson in life each day that you live! Today
is the tomorrow you were worried about yesterday. Was
it worth it?

author unknown

This is where I am going

2007-11-27T18:21:00.001Z

Yep, this is where I am going in three weeks. Just took my vaccination and now I am just looking forward to almost three weeks of snorkling, islandhopping, swimming and relaxing....time to pamper myself...
Panama, here I come!

beautiful song

2007-11-26T22:12:00.000Z

I just find this song so beautiful...and I also find it interesting how the person who has mixed this video has been able to transform the good feeling childrens movie Shrek to such a depressive movie....I guess it is all a matter how you see things.........

2007-11-25T09:34:00.001Z

I am a fool...

Fear of loosing you

2007-11-21T08:15:00.000Z

I did not sleep very well last night, I felt a lot of anxiety and fear. I am afraid that person I still love will not want to live anymore. I don´t know how I could live with that, if he would make that decision....I know it is not my responsibility to take, but I still do....Why does life have to be so unfair to some people, so that they even loose their will to live? It makes me so sad...

forgivness

2007-11-18T20:43:00.000Z

I just found out that my dad is in hospital, he has a problem with his back and he is at the moment getting alot of painkillers and can´t really move.
I called him and he actually talked to me like he would to a friend, I don´t know if it was the painkillers or the boredom that got him to talk, but it felt really good. He talked to me about he was feeling, how the painkillers made him think that a dirtspot on the sheet was moving and how his wife needs to go for a heart examination next week.
Before I called, I wasn´t even sure if I wanted to call, as I felt a bit of the old bitterness towards him for not coming to visit me in the hospital when I had my second brainsurgery, but after talking with him I decided to forgive him for that. Now I am just happy that he talked to me and told me things about how he felt.
I am going to call him tomorrow again, and maybe I need to examine myself and some old unhealthy, unresolved feelings also... and maybe this could be a chance for us to improve our realtionship....keep your fingers crossed!

He picked up his stuff

2007-11-17T11:07:00.000Z

He came and picked up his stuff from my place today and we exchanged keys.
We told eachother that we love eachother and we hugged eachother. while the tears were flowing down my cheeks.
I have been cyring so much that I can hardly see.
The pain is so great that I feel like puking and like I cant breath.

Love hurts and it tears me apart

Loving yourself...?

2007-11-15T19:19:00.000Z

I have had an urge to write a post, and I don´t know why... Maybe it is because I have so many thoughts, memories and feelings flying around in my head.
I have been thinking about the last year and a half and the person who has been closest to me. There is a lot of feelings of love surrounding that person...
I have been thinking about my work, and how you have to be really good with people in order to succeed. How everybody can´t like you but you still need to find a way to get along with everybody.
I have been thinking about life and how I am growing and changing all the time. How I am getting closer and closer to the serenity I want to feel in my life, and how much I affect my own feelings.
I have been thinking about acceptance and what acceptance brings into you life. Acceptance is not the same as surrendering and I think that is not always so easy to understand.

I can´t really explain in words what I feel right now. But I will add a song from my past. This song is not linked to any person, this song is just linked to me, the young teenager 15 years ago, who longed for love and acceptance and who played this song on repeat, on high volume and sang along, and maybe for the first time felt that she loved and cared for herself....

Questions and funerals

2007-11-14T21:56:00.000Z

Do you ever imagine your own funeral?
I am not asking because I am suicidal or want to die or anything, I am just asking because sometimes I imagine my own funeral. I wonder who would be there, I wonder if people would really be sad and I wonder how fast people would forget me?
Sometimes I also imagine a bad accident and I wonder who would come and visit me to the hospital, who would be the first one I would call and who would really worry about me?
I guess all of theese thoughts are about uncertanty of my meaning in mine and other peoples life. Do I put my permanent print on the people I meet or am I just like water on your body, you feel it when it is there, but when it is dry it is forgotten and untraceable?

Am I?
constantly moving and fastly disappearing as water
or
hard, stable and cold like a stone
or
hot and destructive as fire
or
never ending and forever exsisting like the everchanging sky
or
light and invisible but neccessary for living, like air
or

everything and nothing of the above...?
Who are you?

2007-11-13T18:07:00.001Z

Good sides

2007-11-11T12:54:00.000Z

I beat on myself alot. I tell myself why I am no good. I take responsibility for things that are not my responsibility. I always think about how I can improve myself some more. I always think that my partner is better than me. Why?

I am a considerate person who always think about other people.
I know there are two in a relationship, I am not the only one to blame.
I know I am not perfect and I am willing to work on myself
I am a good cook
I follow my own way instead of the societys
I can enjoy my own company
If I make a mistake, I take the responsibility and try to make sure I won´t do it again
I am quite generous if I can be
I know that the free things in life are the things that are most precious
I am adventerous and brave
I am quite intelligent
I am honest to myself and others
I am openminded and try to accept all people as they are
My intentions are always good, I never(I can get irritated and then have som negative thoughts) think in a mean and evil way

So there...I am also allowed to say good things about myself! Damn it!

Jokela shooting

2007-11-08T21:02:00.000Z

For the eight people that died in the terrible massacre in Jokela.
Can´t belive that this has happend in my homecountry...

I feel

2007-11-08T16:54:00.000Z

I feel the tears behind my eyes, but they are not running

I feel that pain in my chest, and it is not disappearing

I feel the coldness in my stomach, and it is making me feel sick

I feel the sadness in my head, and it is bringing me down

I feel everything I don´t want to feel.

helpless

2007-11-07T20:31:00.000Z

I have no power, no power whatsoever on another persons life. I hardly have power over my own life. As I know this, why is then so hard to stand by a persons side who cannot see anything good in his life? Why do I still wish that I would have powers that I don´t have? Why do I find it so unfair that I cannot make a wish, a wish for a person to be happy, and knowing that the wish would come true?
I feel so helpless, and the feeling of helplessness destroys me, it breaks me down bit by bit, saying that if you are not a superhuman, if you cannot change this persons life, then you are unworthy.
Isnt there anything I can do? Can´t I do some magic?
No....I am just a dot....a small dot on a white paper, hardly noticable, uncapable of having any meaning.

2007-11-06T21:19:00.001Z

Man cannot remake himself without suffering, for he is both the marble and the sculptor. ~Dr. Alexis Carrel

Confusing what is real..

2007-11-04T11:40:00.001Z

crawling in my skin
these wounds they will not heal
fear is how I fall
confusing what is real

there's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
consuming/confusing
this lack of self-control I fear is never ending
controlling/I can't seem

to find myself again
my walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
so insecure

Alcoholism and Co-dependency

2007-11-04T08:04:00.000Z

One of the biggest reason that the person around the alcoholic becomes co-dependent is because the alcoholics usually have a very strong tendency to blame all of their problems on the ones around them. "You made me feel bad, now it is your fault that I am going to drink", "You are selfish, it is your fault I drink", "No, I am not the one with a problem, YOU are", "You were not there for me, that is why I drink", etc.
Denial is the sister to co-dependency. The person living with one with the sickness wants more than anything for the person to open her or his eyes so that he or she can see her/his own problems and maybe take some action into solving them. When the denial in the sick person stays strong, the other person might start doubting her or himself, maybe the alcoholic is right? Maybe it is me? Maybe it actually is my fault? Maybe if I change myself I can get him/her to stop drinking? At that point you have given yourself powers that you don´t have. You have taken a responsibility that is not yours. YOU can not change the other person, the other person needs to do it him/herself....

I am and have always been powerless...I just need to belive in it also..the ghosts seems to hunt me forever and more...

Suffering

2007-11-01T18:00:00.001Z

I suffer because I don´t want to loose you,
I suffer because I want you to be ok.

I suffer because I can´t find a solution,
I suffer because you don´t belive in my love for you.

I suffer because you suffer,
I suffer because I love you so much.

I suffer because I can´t save you,
I suffer because I am not enough.

I suffer because of the dream of a future were we both are happy,
I suffer because I am afraid....

2007-10-31T09:08:00.000Z

First of all, BJ, thanks for your comment. You get where I am coming from...
My BF and I have talked, and cried, cried and talked. We are now trying to get some distance from eachother, and we are not going to see eachother for a couple of weeks, but we are going to keep in contact.
I have some issues within myself that I need to clarify. I need to understand my past and which emotions are from the past and which emotions are from the present. I need to understand my limits and my own needs.
I need to settle in myself.

Co-Dependency

2007-10-30T11:30:00.000Z

Me...the most important person in my life?
I have decided that I am going to go to my first Al-Anon meeting (meeting for grown children to alcoholics) and see what I can get out from it.
The text belove describes how it can be to grow up in a family with alcoholism and how it can affect the child.

Why Be Codependent?
by Dr. Irene Matiatos

Why would anybody spend time and energy to control outcomes, while actively neglecting the inner self? How can they do this and not realize they are selling themselves short? The Why: they know no other way; the How: they received very good training early in life.

Any dysfunction in the family predisposes a child to codependent behavior. Children are biologically programmed to seek love and approval. They have to be cared for or they will die. When a parent or family member is dysfunctional, the child tends to focus on this person--rather than on enjoying a carefree and joyful kid existence. The child has to worry: if the caretaker does not care take, the child dies. For example, in an alcoholic home, little Sally has to worry about whether she can bring friends home - because daddy may be in a bad mood and embarrass her. Such events are training her in codependent thinking, the art of anticipating the other person. If mom is physically ill, Teddy has to worry about exerting her. Who would care for him if anything happened to her? If daddy is angry and controlling, Timmy needs to worry about pleasing him to avoid punishment and humiliation - and to get his conditional love and approval.

Children are naturally egocentric. That means that they see the world revolving around them. If mom and dad fight, children feel that it is somehow their fault. Julie may try to make her parents happy by getting straight As in school in an attempt to keep the parental marriage together. Another child may have an abusive, or simply overactive older sibling. Since the parents cannot be there at all times to police the situation, the younger sibling may learn to anticipate the sib's moods and to behave in ways that might increase the probability of "safety." Or, perhaps daddy is depressed. Jennifer may tiptoe around him wondering if he is unhappy because she is not good enough. And so on. In sum, codependent thinking tends to develop any time a child is growing up in a home where life is not care free. Often, addiction can be traced in the family tree of these dysfunctional families, whether there is an active addict in residence, or not. Nevertheless, these kids have an adult they have to worry about!

The codependent-in-training is taught to walk on eggshells. To ensure survival, the child learns to be extraordinarily sensitive in reading the moods and thoughts of others. The child learns very early to pay attention to and tiptoe around the dysfunctional family members - at the child's expense. These interactions take place silently, implicitly. The child learns to ignore the self's inner needs, instead pretending that all is OK.
.........
medberoende

White eyelashes

2007-10-29T08:12:00.000Z

I have cried so much that the salt of my tears has created a white layer on my eyelashes.
I can´t sleep, I can´t eat, I feel like puking and I feel like crying all the time....

why?

2007-10-28T20:20:00.000Z

My Love (yes, he is still my love) is so closed up in himself that he is impossible to reach.
He twists and turns my words into something that I don´t mean, and I don´t know how to reach him. I feel like whatever I say, it is wrong. I feel like there is no way of me to get him to hear me.
He feels like I judge him and dont accept him as he is, that is wrong! I accept him as he is, but his sickness makes him destuctive, and it is destructive for me and our relationship. That is not always so easy to handle.
He says he is the one who has been there for me, and I have not been there for him. Who was it then that have been there massaging his fingers and head to make him feel better when he wanted to die? Who has cooked him dinners every weekend just so that he would eat something. Who has paid for a trip to Amsterdam for his birthday? Who has told him he is the best in the world and that he is so much more than his decease? Who has hugged him when he has cried and said he doesnt want to live anymore? Who has taken him to different shows just so he would get some more positive experiences in his life? Who ran to his place and left everything else when he felt sad?
And no, I am not trying to say that I have been perfect, I have my faults too, and I have done my mistakes and I have my problems, but I have apologized for those mistakes and tried to make up for them.
My heart is breaking, I feel it, and it hurts likea thousand knives pushing trough my flesh...

2007-10-28T10:29:00.000Z

.

Love and Hate, so close to eachother, so similar?
My Love is gone, his shoes no longer by my door....

.

Devil vs Angel??

2007-10-25T20:28:00.000+01:00

It is interesting how you can be your own worst enemy.
We had a workshop with a project today, and afterwards we went out for dinner and to shoot some pool. Suddenly I just got into my head, that no, NOW I have to go home, and I went home. Even before I had stepped out from the poolhall I regretted my decision, as I would have wanted to stay longer and shoot some more pool. But I could not turn around as I had already said bye to everybody. I have been upset at myself for quite a while after this, although now I don´t really care about my decision.
I just can´t understand how I can want two opposite things at the same time?

2007-10-23T21:26:00.000+01:00

Stillness....softness....serenity.
A warm bubblebath, a warm cup of tea, me.
Learning to dance, learning to express myself with my body.
Growing in my work, getting better.
Loving the one that loves me.
Life, up and down...down and up.

.

A letter to my long lost mum

2007-10-22T18:22:00.000+01:00

Dear Mum,
It is quite many years since we have seen eachother, and even longer since we have really talked to eachother. Sometimes I still miss you, or I miss the mum that I wish you would have been. I know that you really loved me, but it was a twisted love you gave me. The greatest fear of yours was that I would stand on my own two feet and that I would not need you anymore. I stopped needing you long before you realized it, but I kept on dancing the dance of dependency, because that was the only dance I knew.
I still wish that I could really get to know you, that I could learn you desires, learn what made you happy, learn what made you sad, learn what you were afraid of, and learn who you really were. I ask people about you, but it seems like nobody really knew you, nobody really understood you ,except for your own mum, you two were really close.
I still carry your pain with me, Is it you who doesn´t want to let go, or is it me? In so many ways I feel like the only thing I have left of you is the pain you caused me, and when I don´t have that, I won´t have anything, my mum will be gone...You left a hole in me, a hole that cannot be filled by anybody else or anything else besides you, but you will never be there to fill it and plant some flowers on it to turn the pain into beauty.
I miss you, but I am also relived that you are no longer part of my life. I have finally started to feel free in my life, and I feel a serenity that I have never felt before. But with that serenity comes sadness, sadness for the loss of you, my mum who would have done anything for me. I hate how your life never became what you wanted it to be, and I hate the fact that you projected that disappointment on me, and that it caused me to feel responsible for your misery. Some people think that you should always love your parents, no matter what, some people think that you dont have to love them unless they treat you well. I am not sure where I stand....I dont miss the person you were, but I miss the person that you could have been. You were not a mean person, you were just a unhappy person that because of that became very selfcentric and destructive for yourself and the people around you. You taught me how to not live my life, and even if it was a fu*%ed up lesson, it showed me the dark side of life. It showed me what happens when you are not true to yourself or not brave enough.
I want to write you again, as I feel there are so many things I want to say to you. I want to belive that you hear me, there on the other side....I want to say a proper godbye to you, I want to let you go, and I want you to be happy.
When you were still alive, I wrote you a letter were I tried to explain how bad you made me feel. I translated some of the words from the song belove, and I wish you really understood what I meant....

You were my lesson I had to learn
I was your fortress you had to burn
Pain is a warning that something's wrong
I pray to God that it won't be long
Do ya wanna go higher?

There's nothing left to try
There's no place left to hide
There's no greater power
Than the power of good-bye

more work...

2007-10-06T15:29:00.000+01:00

I have been pending between panic and exctasy the last few days. Why? Because of my work of course. That also seems to be the only thing I can think about and write about lately and maybe that is the problem?
When I am at work and I am doing my tasks it is going well and I feel extatic, when I come home and when it is time to sleep in the night, I feel panic. I know I should not think too much, and I should just do it instead, wthout too much thinking, without too much hesitation, that is when things usually go the best. I think I think so much because I am not sure that I am ready for this challenge, I am not sure I want my work to be that big part of my life...but I guess we will see how this goes, if I can keep my weeks to around 50 hours a week, then it is ok, but if it will exceed that, I think it will definetly affect my lifequality too much.
Anyway, this is the problem I have, I am afraid that my job will take control over my life and I don´t want that to happen. But once again, I guess that is my choice, is´nt it? So as I am writing, I start to wonder if control is the issue? I am afraid I wont have control over my project, myself and my life and that scares the shit out of me. But why would I not have control? There will be demands and there will be pressure but I can always say no, and my job is just a job, not my whole life. I guess I am afraid because I feel I don´t know my own limitis and I don´t know when it is time to say no....but now is the time to learn it then?

just....

2007-10-05T18:21:00.000+01:00

My mum definetly thought me the most valuable lesson I have ever gotten. She showed me how to NOT live my life, what to NOT do to become unhappy.
Anyway, I am finally starting to realx after this hectic week. I am sitting on my sofa, under a dowblanket. I have watched TV for an hour and been eating some candy and potatoe chips and just pampered myself with whatever I want. Soon I will take a nice and warm bubblebath to really start the weekend, and later on I´ll watch a movie.
Tonight it is MY evening and that feels SOO good.
Later!

Priorities

2007-10-03T19:49:00.000+01:00

I have been so busy the last few days that I have hardly had time to read emails or blogs. Today after a quite hectic day at work, after vacuuming and while doing the laundry I finally had time to visit my blogfriends and just sit down and think.
It is VERY exciting at work right now, and I LOVE the tasks I have to do. Project management is definetly my thing, lets just hope I will do it well. The downside is that I have not had any time for my friends and I think my BF might feel a bit neglected. There are quite a few people in the project office that have families and it is crazy to hear how they live their lives. They sit up and work until 2 in the morning because they need to take care of their kids in the evening, and then they get up at 7 o´clock the next morning again. I don´t think I could do that...I find it hard enough to have enough energy for work as it is....maybe this is a job I will only do right now, for a couple of years, and then I need to do something else when and if I get a family.
Now it is time for Greys anatomy and some candy... :)

Here we go...

2007-10-01T20:58:00.000+01:00

Today my low selesteem is GONE! It was officially announced to the organization that I am going to be the total project manager for this project, and I am SO excited to start running MY project :) I know there will be bumps in the road, but I am visioning success and I think it will turn out ok.
The real deal starts tomorrow!

I also want to share the song "Learning to fly" by the genious Pink Floyd. It represents my life...

" There's no sensation to compare with this
Suspended animation, a state of bliss
Can't keep my mind from the circling skies
Tongue-tied and twisted just an earthbound misfit, I"

Low selfesteem

2007-09-28T21:24:00.000+01:00

Today has not been a very good day.
First of all, my Love is being threatend by this psycho, and I wish I could do something to help him, but I can´t. I wish I could make the psycho go away, but I can´t.
Second of all, the last few days I have been working my ass off to clean up other peoples messes and mistakes to be able to hold an extremly tight deadline. I have been doing my own tasks while trying to set evrything else right with information that I have gotten way past the deadline. Around 4pm today I got an angry call that one of my own responsibilities was done in the wrong way, and I was told that I needed to straight it up right away. I felt like crying, and I felt really upset, but I corrected my mistake.
After this I just felt worhtless. I know that everybody has a lot to, and quite a few people don´t know the processes because they are new, so they make mistakes. I also know that many people consider this the normal way of working, and I know many has way more stress than I do. But still, trying to correct other peoples mistakes, and not even getting a thank you for it, but only the opposite, is it worth it?
I have also seriously started to doubt if I will be able to pull my off being a project manager. I think I am too sensitive and don´t have a stresslevel that is high enough. I have also realized that people don´t take responsibility for their tasks, so am I going to be the one taking responsibility for everything?
I am not sure if theese thoughts are normal, or if I have them just because of low selfesteem? I guess it is because of low selfesteem, I realize that as I am writing. It is just very hard to set a balance in helping people, but still not taking over their responsibilities....During a better day (hopefully tomorrow) I will probably feel more confident. Does anybody have any good tips?

Project!

2007-09-27T19:48:00.000+01:00

I got my own multimillion kronor worth project!! :)
I feel quite confident about it as one of my co-workers, who I admire the most of the projectmanagers will be my mentor. I definetly want to be as good as him (although I will never be as smart ;)) I don´t know yet when I will start the project, but I think it will be next week.
Tomorrow we are also going to see Circue du Soleil with my Love, I am REALLY looking forward to that although I got a bit afraid that I will get disappointed. I read that the focus will not be on acrobatics but on the music in this piece...but we´ll see, I have never seen Circue du Soleil before, so I think it will be good :)
(Picture taken from http://www.cirquedusoleil.com)

Life Script

2007-09-25T21:31:00.000+01:00

Belove is an interesting text that I got sent to me from a friend of mine. It is about lifescripts, how we define roles for ourselves, and get scared when we are not playing our role....how does your lifescript look like?

How fixed beliefs define our roles:
Our fixed beliefs define the roles we play in life and have a lot to do with the scripts that are running them. Just as actors follow a play's script for lines, actions and attitude, we follow life scripts according to what our fixed beliefs tell us. Are you telling yourself that you are a tragic
character or heroic character? Are you playing the loving mother, abusive husband, frustrated artist or successful businessman?

Why scripts are dangerous:
Whatever your fixed beliefs are, you have practiced your script for so long that you believe what it says about you and your potential. This is why life scripts are dangerous. We begin to perceive them as being set in stone. We even allow them to shape the way we expect things to turn out. Fixed beliefs also influence the casting, location and wardrobe of our script. Who is "right" for the part in our script and who isn't? What type of living arrangement and attire are appropriate for the character we are playing, etc.?

When life scripts become limiting:
Because our scripts are based on fixed beliefs, we tend to resist any challenges or changes to them. If we suddenly feel happy and fulfilled, but our script says that we should feel sad and hopeless, we tend to panic because we've gone "off script." It just doesn't feel right and besides, the happy role belongs to someone else, doesn't it? This is an example of why most fixed beliefs are also limiting beliefs. They limit our scripts by dictating what we can't do, don't deserve and aren't qualified for.

Nothing interesting

2007-09-24T20:39:00.000+01:00

I am sooo tired. This was a good weekend, but it made me tired.
On saturday evening my friend had a birthday party. It was nice hanging out there with all her gay friends :) Later in the evening we went out dancing and that was so much fun! I did nothing else besides danced and let me tell you, I was not dry when I went home. I was so sweaty that it looked like a drowned cat! But it was worth it, dancing out all the negative energy.

On sunday evening me and the birthday girl went to see the swedish comedian Jonas Gardell. I really liked the show, although I thought that the one I saw a couple of years was better, but we still got a good laugh :)

(picture taken from www.sundsvall.nu)