2:nd interview

Tomorrow I have the second interview for the manager position that I dont even know if I want....the funny/weird thing is, that he is coming over to my workplace to meet me, instead of me going there....I guess it is a good sign ;)

Fine wine

"I am like a fine wine, the older I get, the better I get!"

"You Learn", Alanis Morissette

I recommend getting your heart trampled on to anyone

I recommend walking around naked in your living room

Swallow it down (what a jagged little pill)

It feels so good (swimming in your stomach)

Wait until the dust settles

You live you learn

You love you learn

You cry you learn

You lose you learn

You bleed you learn

You scream you learn

I recommend biting off more then you can chew to anyoneI certainly do

I recommend sticking your foot in your mouth at any timeFeel free

Throw it down (the caution blocks you from the wind)

Hold it up (to the rays)

You wait and see when the smoke clears

You live you learn

You love you learn

You cry you learn

You lose you learn

You bleed you learn

You scream you learn

Wear it out (the way a three-year-old would do)

Melt it down (you're gonna have to eventually anyway)

The fire trucks are coming up around the bend

You live you learn

You love you learn

You cry you learn

You lose you learn

You bleed you learn

You scream you learn

You grieve you learn

You choke you learn

You laugh you learn

You choose you learn

You pray you learn

You ask you learn

You live you learn

Love, The Greatest Gift

I am just human, I am not God, I can´t save anybody else, I can´t change anybody else, I can´t carry anybody else, but still, I am not useless, I have the greatest gift of all to give: Love.

Love, The Greatest Gift
Kathy Gandy
Though I may speak in other tongues
and the future I may see.
If the gift of LOVE I do not have,
what good would all this be?

If I had the gift of faith
and every mountain I could move;
But never had LOVE for my fellowman
then what would this faith prove?

If I gave everything I have away
to the poor who do without,
But I never showed LOVE for anyone
what would I have to boast about?

The gift of LOVE is patient
The gift of LOVE is kind
The gift of LOVE is never proud
and this gift I seek to find!

The gift of LOVE holds no grudge
and it keeps no record of wrong.
The gift of LOVE never loses faith
and it's sure to make us strong.

The gift of LOVE will last forever
and like the others it won't disappear.
The gift of LOVE will never cease
it's a gift that's always here!

So desire the gift of LOVE
and let it be your highest goal.
For LOVE ~ is the greatest gift,
and it endures like faith and hope!

Happiness?

I have been thinking a lot about happiness lately. Mostly I think about it in the mornings when I wake up, because for some reason, the bad things always comes first into my mind when I wake up. I don´t want to have that kind of a start of the day. I would rather have happy thoughts when I wake up, or maybe not even happy, but at least just neutral and peaceful thoughts.
I definetly belive that happiness and satisfaction comes from the inside, of course outside factors affects you, but that is still not what rules you and your happiness, or it should´nt.
It is a lot easier to look outside yourself for what can bring you happiness, because then you can remove the responsibility from yourself and you can blame other things for not being happy. But when I for example wake up, and the first thoughts I get into my head is the bad things, how can that be anybody elses responsibility but mine?
I am going to work more on living in the moment, and worrying less about the future or the past. Another thing I want to work on is knowing what I can control and what is out of my control, that is a hard one....Relaxing a bit more in the everyday routine life and being able to feel peaceful about "the boring life" is another thing. Realizing that the real life is not on adventures around the world but the everyday life you live most of the time.
The Buddhists are right in many things.

A better day

I am a lot less swollen today, I can bite in soft things, I can open my mouth more, I had a good nights sleep and the sun is shining.
I feel a lot better today,after two terrible days... :)

Toothache

The surgery went quite well, it is now that it is starting to hurt...my whole lower jaw on the left side feels numb and is thumbing. I cant open my mouth, bacuase if I do, some heavy bleading starts. It is starting to looking like I have a tennisball in my cheek and I have troubles swallowing. If move to fast I start feeling like puking. The worst thing is that they say that the second day is the worst..... :/
This is one of those days when it really sucks to be single and not have a caring family.

Tooth

Tomorrow it is time for the surgery to remove my tooth....aiks! :/

Angel Dust

Just a story that I wrote because I wanted to be creative. No morals in the story, and no hidden meaning , and not even a good story either :)

Once upon a time, there was an angel hovering around in the dark space bumping into stars, laughing with the meteors and playing with the stardust floating peacefully around in the silent space.

She was happy with her life, or she did not even realize that she had a life or was a living creature. The question is, if she even existed? One day she bumped into another angel, and she did not quite know what “it” was at first. “It” was a strange thing, shining like a star, looking translucent, having this aura around “it” that made “it” glow and had you drawn to “it”. She did not know what to do when she bumped into the angel and for the first time she realized she was something. She could not hover around by herself anymore because she had become a definition, in the connection with this other angel.

The angels started floating around in space together and the more time they spent together, the less translucent they became. They also realized that it became harder for them to float and they started feeling heavier. One day they floated by the brightest star of them all, it was shining with different colors, and the colors made sounds that sounded like dolphins whispering love chants to each other. They decided to do something neither of them had done before; they decided to settle down on the star. The star became their home, although it was more like a living place as home was not a familiar word. On the star they were able to become more translucent again and started floating around on the star, exploring the new world they were in. Sometimes they did the discoveries on their own and sometimes with each other. They learned new truths about reality and started seeing that they were everything, that things change, but things are still the same.

The love they had for each other created cosmical explosions, that where phenomenon’s that had never been seen before. These cosmical explosions created energy that moved around them in different colors and they felt like light breezes around their feet. The light breeze followed them everywhere and grew stronger by every day, soon the breezes were not light breezes anymore, but strong hurricanes with their own will. The hurricanes were ready to leave the star, and so they did. The angels felt empty and alone when no breeze was around their feet anymore, but at the same time they were feeling sleepier than ever…

Soon the angels had fallen to sleep forever, on the light bed of the star. The star was increasingly glowing brighter and with the angles sleeping on it, it had become the leading star for many in distress….

Interview

I had an interview for a manager position in my company today. I am not sure I even want to change job as I love the one that I have as a project manager, but we´ll see.
Me and the interviewer got along very well, and the situation actually turned kind of weird when we started talking about that we both have alcoholic mothers and how it has affected us. The even funnier thing is that she was also the one that interviewed me when I first started working in the company where I work now. Anyway, when I left, she hugged me so I guess I made a good impression. :) She is however not going to be the one that is deciding about this position, so we´ll see....

Lion dream

I had a restless night last night...one of my dreams was that Stockholm had been invided with lions that had escaped from the zoo. I watched from my window in my home how several people were bitten to death by the lions, and the blood was just flowing on the streets. The lions stared at me with hostility and roared. I live on the first floor in a house and I knew I wasnt safe. I felt a lot of fear, because I felt the lions were so unpredictable, I felt like if they wanted, they could just jump trough my window and eat me if they wished to. The dream was filled with fear and helplessness.
I also had another dream, a dream about trying and failing again, but I am not going to go into that dream right now...

Baby Deer

I saw two baby deers cross the street on my way to work today. I live in the middle of Stockholm and seeing theese two babies looking all confused with their big brown eyes was a strange sensation. They were all peaceful and in no hurry. They were walking into the park just next to me and they made me smile. Can I see two baby deers on my way to work, then anything can happen :)

NOTE: There is a forrest quite nearby, and I am sure they will be fine and find their way back there, at least that is what I tell myself :/

Pressure

Found out today, that if my project does not deliver on time, all of the employees in my company (about 1000 people) will be without a bonus....talk about pressure!! :/

People in white jackets...

I went to the doctors today where I had a VERY unpleasent examination, but I saw myself from the inside which was kind of cool....but I am happy that theese kind of examinations are the ones you make maybe once in a lifetime.
Tomorrow it is time for the dentist again, not yet to have surgery on the tooth but still...my life seems to be dominated by people in white jackets nowadays... :/

The dentist

back to reality with a crash....or actually with the dentist.
I guess I do have a real phobia when it comes to dentists....when I was a kid (around 8 years old), I hade 6 holes in my teeth, and 4 of them needed rootfilling, and the dentist did it without ANY anestisia!! It hurt so baad, and all she did was tell me to open my mouth some more and lie still.....
My phobia seems to be getting worse day by day also, the tears were just falling down my cheeks and I could hardly breath today at the dentists, but I got trough it! The thing is....in a couple of weeks I need to go there again and have a surgery to remove one of my teeth (don´t know what it is called in english....wisdomtooth? the ones that does not start growing until you are older?)
Aiks! Anybody willing to come and hold my hand....? :/

sun is setting

The sun is setting and my trip is coming to an end....Time has gone by so fast that I dont think that I have even realized that I have actually been in Panama....maybe a couple of more hours in the sun tomorrow, and then off I go, Back home....

Isla Taboga

yep, I ended up leaving the beach I spent New Years at. I got some undercooked fish at the hotel for dinner, which I ended up throwing up the rest of the night, the food wad NOT good there (and yes, I know this might be too much information to some of you, but I still thought you needed to know ;))
Iwanted to come to Tagora Island already yesterday, but the plane was delayed so I did not have a chance to catch the ferry. Luckily my Panamian family called me earlier during the day and wanted to see me beofre I went back home, so I spent the night at their house. They are a great family, and I got a Panamian flag from the dad when we said goodbye and he told me it was for me to remember my Panamian family, they are so sweet!
Taboga island was the perfect second to last day stop. This is actually the first time during my trip that I feel like I even have had time to think and reflect. The day after tomorrow I will be on my way home (NOT looking forward to the 25 hour trip!) and I have had some intense past weeks. There are three women, 10-20 years older than me that I have met during my trip and I think two of them were supposed to meet me and one of them I was supposed to meet (with supposed to meet I mean I have had knowledge or experiences that they could take use of, or the opposite) We have had some really serious and deep discussions that I think we all in different ways have gained from, or will gain from. This was one thing that I did not expect from my trip.
Tomorrow I will head back to Panama City and that will be my last whole day in Panama. Right now I am pretty beat, there has been so much happening all the time and I am actually looking forward to having some routines in my life (at least for a week or so ;)) I miss all of you back home, and I am looking forward to seeing you again :)

The view from my current hotelroom, perfect or not?? ;)