This is where I am going

Yep, this is where I am going in three weeks. Just took my vaccination and now I am just looking forward to almost three weeks of snorkling, islandhopping, swimming and relaxing....time to pamper myself...
Panama, here I come!

beautiful song

I just find this song so beautiful...and I also find it interesting how the person who has mixed this video has been able to transform the good feeling childrens movie Shrek to such a depressive movie....I guess it is all a matter how you see things.........

I am a fool...

Fear of loosing you

I did not sleep very well last night, I felt a lot of anxiety and fear. I am afraid that person I still love will not want to live anymore. I don´t know how I could live with that, if he would make that decision....I know it is not my responsibility to take, but I still do....Why does life have to be so unfair to some people, so that they even loose their will to live? It makes me so sad...

forgivness

I just found out that my dad is in hospital, he has a problem with his back and he is at the moment getting alot of painkillers and can´t really move.
I called him and he actually talked to me like he would to a friend, I don´t know if it was the painkillers or the boredom that got him to talk, but it felt really good. He talked to me about he was feeling, how the painkillers made him think that a dirtspot on the sheet was moving and how his wife needs to go for a heart examination next week.
Before I called, I wasn´t even sure if I wanted to call, as I felt a bit of the old bitterness towards him for not coming to visit me in the hospital when I had my second brainsurgery, but after talking with him I decided to forgive him for that. Now I am just happy that he talked to me and told me things about how he felt.
I am going to call him tomorrow again, and maybe I need to examine myself and some old unhealthy, unresolved feelings also... and maybe this could be a chance for us to improve our realtionship....keep your fingers crossed!

He picked up his stuff

He came and picked up his stuff from my place today and we exchanged keys.
We told eachother that we love eachother and we hugged eachother. while the tears were flowing down my cheeks.
I have been cyring so much that I can hardly see.
The pain is so great that I feel like puking and like I cant breath.

Love hurts and it tears me apart

Loving yourself...?

I have had an urge to write a post, and I don´t know why... Maybe it is because I have so many thoughts, memories and feelings flying around in my head.
I have been thinking about the last year and a half and the person who has been closest to me. There is a lot of feelings of love surrounding that person...
I have been thinking about my work, and how you have to be really good with people in order to succeed. How everybody can´t like you but you still need to find a way to get along with everybody.
I have been thinking about life and how I am growing and changing all the time. How I am getting closer and closer to the serenity I want to feel in my life, and how much I affect my own feelings.
I have been thinking about acceptance and what acceptance brings into you life. Acceptance is not the same as surrendering and I think that is not always so easy to understand.

I can´t really explain in words what I feel right now. But I will add a song from my past. This song is not linked to any person, this song is just linked to me, the young teenager 15 years ago, who longed for love and acceptance and who played this song on repeat, on high volume and sang along, and maybe for the first time felt that she loved and cared for herself....

Questions and funerals

Do you ever imagine your own funeral?
I am not asking because I am suicidal or want to die or anything, I am just asking because sometimes I imagine my own funeral. I wonder who would be there, I wonder if people would really be sad and I wonder how fast people would forget me?
Sometimes I also imagine a bad accident and I wonder who would come and visit me to the hospital, who would be the first one I would call and who would really worry about me?
I guess all of theese thoughts are about uncertanty of my meaning in mine and other peoples life. Do I put my permanent print on the people I meet or am I just like water on your body, you feel it when it is there, but when it is dry it is forgotten and untraceable?

Am I?
constantly moving and fastly disappearing as water
or
hard, stable and cold like a stone
or
hot and destructive as fire
or
never ending and forever exsisting like the everchanging sky
or
light and invisible but neccessary for living, like air
or

everything and nothing of the above...?
Who are you?

Good sides

I beat on myself alot. I tell myself why I am no good. I take responsibility for things that are not my responsibility. I always think about how I can improve myself some more. I always think that my partner is better than me. Why?

I am a considerate person who always think about other people.
I know there are two in a relationship, I am not the only one to blame.
I know I am not perfect and I am willing to work on myself
I am a good cook
I follow my own way instead of the societys
I can enjoy my own company
If I make a mistake, I take the responsibility and try to make sure I won´t do it again
I am quite generous if I can be
I know that the free things in life are the things that are most precious
I am adventerous and brave
I am quite intelligent
I am honest to myself and others
I am openminded and try to accept all people as they are
My intentions are always good, I never(I can get irritated and then have som negative thoughts) think in a mean and evil way

So there...I am also allowed to say good things about myself! Damn it!

Jokela shooting

For the eight people that died in the terrible massacre in Jokela.
Can´t belive that this has happend in my homecountry...

I feel

I feel the tears behind my eyes, but they are not running

I feel that pain in my chest, and it is not disappearing

I feel the coldness in my stomach, and it is making me feel sick

I feel the sadness in my head, and it is bringing me down

I feel everything I don´t want to feel.

helpless

I have no power, no power whatsoever on another persons life. I hardly have power over my own life. As I know this, why is then so hard to stand by a persons side who cannot see anything good in his life? Why do I still wish that I would have powers that I don´t have? Why do I find it so unfair that I cannot make a wish, a wish for a person to be happy, and knowing that the wish would come true?
I feel so helpless, and the feeling of helplessness destroys me, it breaks me down bit by bit, saying that if you are not a superhuman, if you cannot change this persons life, then you are unworthy.
Isnt there anything I can do? Can´t I do some magic?
No....I am just a dot....a small dot on a white paper, hardly noticable, uncapable of having any meaning.

Man cannot remake himself without suffering, for he is both the marble and the sculptor. ~Dr. Alexis Carrel

Confusing what is real..

crawling in my skin
these wounds they will not heal
fear is how I fall
confusing what is real

there's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
consuming/confusing
this lack of self-control I fear is never ending
controlling/I can't seem

to find myself again
my walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
so insecure

Alcoholism and Co-dependency

One of the biggest reason that the person around the alcoholic becomes co-dependent is because the alcoholics usually have a very strong tendency to blame all of their problems on the ones around them. "You made me feel bad, now it is your fault that I am going to drink", "You are selfish, it is your fault I drink", "No, I am not the one with a problem, YOU are", "You were not there for me, that is why I drink", etc.
Denial is the sister to co-dependency. The person living with one with the sickness wants more than anything for the person to open her or his eyes so that he or she can see her/his own problems and maybe take some action into solving them. When the denial in the sick person stays strong, the other person might start doubting her or himself, maybe the alcoholic is right? Maybe it is me? Maybe it actually is my fault? Maybe if I change myself I can get him/her to stop drinking? At that point you have given yourself powers that you don´t have. You have taken a responsibility that is not yours. YOU can not change the other person, the other person needs to do it him/herself....

I am and have always been powerless...I just need to belive in it also..the ghosts seems to hunt me forever and more...

Suffering

I suffer because I don´t want to loose you,
I suffer because I want you to be ok.

I suffer because I can´t find a solution,
I suffer because you don´t belive in my love for you.

I suffer because you suffer,
I suffer because I love you so much.

I suffer because I can´t save you,
I suffer because I am not enough.

I suffer because of the dream of a future were we both are happy,
I suffer because I am afraid....