Friday, August 31, 2007

30 years of life experience

So tomorrow at 9.10am I will be 30 years old. Six of my relatives are coming from Finland to celebrate my birthday and later in the evening about 25 of my friends will squeeze into my 34m2 apartment, guess if it is going to be crowded? :)
Sitting at work and just got interrupted from my workmates who sang for me and gave me a fine bottle of wine. I told them that I am moving over to their side, to "the other side" :). I also told them that when I come back to work on Monday I will be a changed person, with wrinkles and gray hair and very serious.....NOT!!
Well, life will be as good if not better on "the other side", so I am just going to keep on enjoying and tomorrow it will PARTY, PARTY from morning to evening :)

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Heard

There is a memory that I have that I have meant to write down for about a few months now. I thought I would write it down today, but then decided to wait until after my birthday.
Anyway, Torrdocka wrote a post today (in swedish) that moved me a lot. She said some things that I would have wanted to hear from my mum while she was still alive, but my mum got "deaf" from the alcohol and could not hear what people were telling her, she only heard her own paranoid voice.
Still, reading what Torrdocka wrote made me feel such a relief. Maybe because my mum could never see my dad´s and my side, she could only see herself. Torrdocka, who is a recovering alcoholic heard me, and in some ways it almost felt like my mum heard me. For me it is a enormous relief that a woman who knows what it is to be a slave to alcohol hears what I am saying. MY voice is heard, it has a meaning what I am saying and I am not just talking to a wall, like it felt so many times in my childhood.
Tack Torrdocka!

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Shoes

I have never been a shoe person, although that trait seems to be increasing with age. :)
Today I was sitting and waiting for the subway and I started looking at peoples shoes without looking at anything else. It was actually extremely interesting, because so many times I felt like the shoes did not fit the person who was wearing them or the oufit they where wearing.
I saw a pair of shoes and thought it was a young hip person, then I looked at the outfit and I got a bit more uncertain about the person, and as I saw the face it was not at all somebody who I imagined for those shoes. It felt like the shoes had their own lives, and maybe it is true that the shoes tells a lot about a person?
I don´t think I actually ever before have looked at people from the bottom up, and just finding personalities in the shoes. It was interesting and a new experience for me :)

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

More about routine...

I am going to continue a bit on the topic routines. Yesterday I started to excersise again. I have had a summer "vacation"(the truth is I have been lazy) of three months and it felt SO good to do something with my body again. I did the dance aerobics class and it was so much fun. On thursday I will probably go and do some funk. So, I want to create another routine, do dance aerobics on mondays and funk on thursdays (I tried to this last year but for some reason it did´nt quite become a routine), or at least excersise twice a week. It is amazing how much more energy you get from getting a bit sweaty on a regular basis. And I do need some more energy, now I am more a couch potatoe than human....
And one more routine that I might want to create. I would like to take a warm bubblebath and have a glass of wine on every friday evening, just to help me get into the weekendmood faster.
Lets see how it goes :)

Monday, August 27, 2007

Routines

It is strange, I just have a good feeling today, maybe it is because I realized that I have routines in my life that I actually like. As I have written before I have had a problem with routines, when life becomes that every day life with not too many changes or suprises I almost freak out. My last ten years has been filled with changes, and I have never worked in one place for longer than 7 months (this because most employments has been project based) and since I moved away from home, ten years ago, I have not lived in one place for longer than 1,5 years.
I have soon worked at the same place for a year, and yes, I have felt the ants in the pants and that is why I have been applying for jobs, just to make sure I can get a change if I want to. But this weekend I realized that I love going to work every day, I love the fact that I have gotten good friends at work and that I know a lot of people there. There are actually other routines that I have that I like also, like when we are walking my BF´s dog, (and having good discussions at the same time) this same way by the water that we almost always walk. We have a favourite place that we have been swimming at and sunbathed at during the summer, that was also kind of a summer routine. Laying on the couch watching movies snuggled up with my BF is one routine that I would not want to miss.
Hmm....I guess I am not as hostile towards routines as I used to be, I need to start figuring out more routines that I like :)

Sunday, August 26, 2007

Underground trance


Yesterday I went out to this underground tranceparty. Theese parties are a lot like the raves in the 1990´s and like most people think, there is a lot of drugs involved. I don´t do drugs myself but I still enjoy going to theese parties every now and then. The trance music is so hypnotizing and if you are stressed or in a bad mood or something it can feel really good to just let the beat move your body and dance away all the negative emotions. Analog pussies (on the picture above) were the "live act" at this party and I kind of liked the fact that there was not only a dj up there but it was a bit more of a perfomance to watch.
I do find it appealing to every now and then experience this subculture because is so very far away from the enviroment and the people I am working with every day. I feel that my work enviroment is the very essence of what people are supposed to do in society and most of the people seemes to be formed by the society, and don´t feel any reason to challenge the rules society has set. The fact is that I could never imagine most of the people I am working with to even consider being part of this culture, or even knowing that it exsists. The underground trance culture on the other hand is: Underground. It is in a way a partly forbidden world, a world that you don´t really talk about too much publicly. I feel it is extremly liberating to be part of two very different cultures and knowing that I feel a sence of belonging in both places. It is hard to explain, but I guess it is about being a complex person fitting into different places, being more than what appears at the first glance. It is about the freedom to choose who you want to be at that moment or which part of you, you wish to bring forward.
Anyway, I do have a bit of a hangover today, so I need to go and do something else.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Jaada, jaada

Well, the interview went very well yesterday. He was mainly looking for a person who is "driven, smart and has charm" Apperantly he thought that is what I am (for some strange reason). Yesterday I wanted to change job, today I don´t.
I feel like I don´t want to change jobs unless it is clearly better than the one I have now, and I am not sure this one is.
Anyway, I don´t think I am going to change jobs. I enjoy my workmates that I have right now and it would be good for me to just calm down a bit and try to stay in one place for a bit longer. :)
Had a nightmare last night. I dreamt that I was shopping stuff for my birthday and I got caught by the police and thrown into jail. I knew my BF was waiting for me and the guests were also arriving. I was feeling so stressed because I could not tell them were I was, I could not shop the things I wanted, I was´nt able to get to my party in time and I was uncertain when I was going to get out of jail. Hmmm...I guess I am feeling a bit unsettled.....but the weather is good and sun is shining :)

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

PMS

I hate PMS. I can´t say that I am the type of woman that suffers alot from it, but sometimes I get the physical and mental pain before that time of the month. Today is one of those days, not having the physical pain but having the mental unstability and somebody saying just hello to me might get me so annoyed that I feel like boiling or hitting someone. You know how the irritation can just flow over you like a wave. It starts around your stomach and then spreads to the rest of your body and it is like your whole body is shaking because you know the irritation is unreasonable but the feeling is still there, stronger than ever. And I have a jobinterview today. I don´t even know if I want to change a job or if I am interested in the job. This is not a good day for me (or the ones around me)

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

50 great things about life

How wonderful wouldn´t it be, if you would always remember how good simple things in life can feel....This will make you happy:

Do you remember how it feels to:
1. Be in love
2. Laugh so much that your stomach hurts
3. Take a warm Bath
4. Seeing the perfect sunset and smelling the summernight
5. Get a special look from somebody and feel like you are the best in the world
6. Get an e-mail
7. Get an unexpected gift
8. Hear your favourite song in the radio
9. Lay on the bed and listen to the rain
10.Feel a warm towel
11.Find the shirt you want on sale
12.Milkshake, chocolate or strawberry
13.A hours long phonecall
14.Travel somewhere far away
15.Laugh so much that you cry
16.Smell the flowers in the summer
17.The way the sand feels between your toes on the beach
18.Find money from the pocket of your old jacket
19.Think that your own jokes are funny
20.Get a phonecall from the one you love
21.Run trough that thing that waters the grass
22.Laugh without a reason
23.Have friends that you can brag about to your other friends
24.Watch a good movie that makes you cry
25.Have friends that you know really love you
26.Hear somebody saying something good about you
27.Wake up and realize that you can sleep in
28.A first kiss
29.Play with a pet
30.Feel somebody playing with your hair.
31.Having sweet dreams that you don´t want to wake up from
32.The smell of fresh coffee
33.Go on a trip to have fun with your friends
34.Swing really high
35.Finish a job and know that you have done it very well
36.Get new friends and gather up with you old friends
37.Sing really loud, even if you sing badly
38.Walk around naked in your apartment
39.Dance around naked in your apartment
40.Listen to good music
41.Bake, and then feel the smell of fresh bread
42.Get a homemade present from your friend
43.Feel the sun in your face and the wind in your hair
44.See your friend laugh and smile
45.Hold the hand of the person you love
46.Get a hug
47.Meet an old friend and realize that you have changed for the better
48.Smell a newly cut lawn
49.Hearing I love you from somebody you love
50.Feeling so good about yourself that you want to give yourself a hug......which I think you should do right now! :)

Monday, August 20, 2007

Strength

Theese last few days I have been thinking a lot about strength and what a strong person is (yes, yes, sorry, but I am going to be philosophical again...)Anyway, it is not unusal that I hear people say to me that they think that I am such a strong person and that I am probably the kind of person that can handle any situation whenever. The people saying this might be people that know about my background, but some of them don´t know anything about me.
I don´t see myself as strong and I never have, but this is the first time I understand why. It was not my choice to have the childhood I had, it was not brave or strong of me to survive it and come trough. How could it be brave when I had no other choice?
When I will be at the point where I can live my adult life without my past haunting me ,and when my inner struggle won´t have as much power as it has today, and when I will be able to give my children what I never had, and when I will be able to help people around me who are struggling with themselves, THEN, ONLY then can I call myself strong.

Friday, August 17, 2007

Blogaddiction

62%How Addicted to Blogging Are You?

Mingle2 - Dating Site


Well....don´t know where on the scale you have a problem....but I would say not yet ;)

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

To my precious blogfriends

Since I started blogging I feel like I have entered a new world....I have gotten the privilege to read the innermost thoughts of other people that I don’t even know. People have amazing lives and I almost feel like the people who’s blogs I read daily are my close friends.
(Forgive me here if I don´t mention someone that feels he or she should be mentioned, but theese are the ones that I have "connected" most with) There is Butterfly, who was one of the first to read my blog, who’s childhood has been filled with difficult experiences and today she has chosen a profession that is still making her life very uncommon and not easy all the time. There is Lilltanten who’s posts almost always brings tears to my eyes. She is admirable in so many ways, and a role model to her family and so many other people in cyberspace. There is Lintin, who has grown up with an alcoholic parent just like I have and she is struggling to find herself and her place in the world (She will get there, she just don’t know it herself yet :)). There is Maria, who has too had too high demands on herself which has forced her to rethink her life. She still wants to be the superwoman, but I think she is good just a she is also. There is Ella, this wonderful woman, who is loosing her eyesight due to a terrible sickness. She is angry at her eyes, and is struggling to become friends with them again...There is Margareth who is doing the most wonderful blog illustrations on her friends in cyberspace. There is Tusensyster who is writing to stay away from drugs, she is on her 119:th day today.
I LOVE visiting your blogs everyday and just see what is going on in your lives, and to see if there are any comforting words I can offer to you. I hope I have´nt offended aybody with what I have written...? Writing in my blog helps me to deal with my own issues, and having you all as my blogfriends helps me even more. I hope you all also get something out of me….

Big cyber hug! :)

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

He is coming...

My dad just wrote me that he is going to come and visit me on my birthday....

Monday, August 13, 2007

The best grandmother in the world....

I got a handwritten letter from my wonderful grandmother today. She writes maybe once a month to me and she is the only one of my relatives (except from my cousin) who really shows that she cares for me, my life and how I am doing. Getting a letter from her usually makes me in a good mood and makes me feel good. Not this time....She had cut out an add from the newspaper that was called "blue eyes". The add claimed that with antioxidants from blueberries it could help you see better. She wanted me to buy this medicin here in Sweden and send it to her. Her eyesight is getting so bad that she can´t really read in the evenings and that is hard for her.
Reading this just made me so sad....she is the one who I feel closest to in my so called family, but she is 85 and she will not live forever....I am so afraid of the time when I will loose her, because I feel that then I will be completly alone.
She also asked me to come to Finland and spend my birthday there. She would have liked to come to Stockholm, but she can´t do it....I was again reminded of the fact that my dad probably won´t show up for my birthday. Once again I started feeling wothless, I started wonder why I even should celebrate my birthday, who cares anyway?

Evaluation

I had an evaluation with my boss today and it went very well (I already got the salary raise :))
I just need to write down the things she said so that I can remember it and improve what needs to be approved.

I live as I preach, that is a great leader quality. I have high demands on myself and on others. I need to learn to accept that other people might not have as high demands on themselves as I have, and stop expecting more of them than they can deliver. I need to remember that most people are trying their best.
My emotions are pretty transparent which can be good and bad. I need to learn to express my negative emotions in a different (more positive) way to be a good leader
From time to time I need to make a choice. Should I be honest or a leader?
In communication I need to learn to adjust how I talk depending to which group I am talking to. Especially the management group.
I am very result oriented which is good.
I have courage to question things and a will to understand things.
I have an ability to see the big picture.

She also told me about five times that I need to focus on how to improve my strenghts and not focus on my weaknesess. When looking at my list, I have kind of forgotten that again.... :/ So, she also thought that I one day will be a very good project manager (not working as one yet) and that she sees very much potential in me, I guess that is good :)

Friday, August 10, 2007

I am a survivor...

In three weeks I will be 30 years old....and I am pretty happy with what I have done in my life so far. After I moved away from home, my life has been filled with more than most people experience in a lifetime.

Among other things, I have:
-had two brainsurgeries
-done winterswimming
-visited about 30 different countries (so ten more before I am 40 ;))
-travelled alone to places like Scotland, Australia and India
-been swimming with giant turtles
-Walked 70 km in three days in New Zealand
-have had three tattoos made, all of which tells the story of my life in a symbolic way.
-done whitewater rafting
-worked with TV production
-been bitten by a monkey and got 5 rabies shots.
-worked on a travelling funfair in Denmark
-buried my mother
-worked with a festival in the US
-made food (alone, with almost no help) to 120 people and got a LOT of compliments for the food
-participated in voodo rituals in Africa
-lived in 5 different countries
and last but not least, grown a lot as a person.

I definetly want the next ten years to be as filled with experiences as the last ten years, but in a way I do feel like an era is over....that kind of makes me sad, but still, I have to remember that I am the only one controlling my life. One thing that I definetly still want to do is to spend three months in Guatemala and learn spanish....lets see how that plan will work out :)

Thursday, August 9, 2007

Insects

I have been bothered with earwigs the last few months. They climb into my window, and I find out that are in my apartment, when I am sitting on my couch and they climb on me and pinch me somewhere on my body. I HATE insects.
But anyway, you would think that as I live in the Nordic countries, I should be safe from having bugs in my apartment, but it´s not true, this is not the first time I have had uninvited guests in my home.....In my last apartment, when I was still living in Helsinki I had a problem with flys. During about two weeks in september, my apartment was invided by flys. I don´t know where they came from, but I killed around 20 flys each and every day. It was DISGUSTING! Luckily it was just for a short period of time.
But something that is even worse than ordinary flies are bananaflies...I was living with a group of girls who were VERY bad at cleaning and doing the dishes. I was away for a week or something and when I come back the whole kitchen has been invaded by bananaflies, it was not our kitchen anymore, it was THEIR kitchen. There were probably around 500 bananaflies in that kitchen.....I took quite a while to get rid of them...
When living in Australia it was of course my "favourite" insects, spiders, that was here and there in the house. Some bigger and some smaller. Some poisonous and some not.
Anyway, I also need to point out that it is not crappy apartments that I have had. Most of them has actually been pretty expensive, but it still seems you can´t be safe from the insects, huh? Maybe I need to start liking them more....or no, I will never ever like them in MY house!! :/

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

A song to say Goodbye

This is a song I found on Lintins blog....I think everybody who has had an alcoholic parent knows that this can be the cruel reality. For the ones who has healthy parents it might explain how a child can feel when trying to help her or his parent. This is a video that makes me cry, and the feelings from it are still very true for me. A beautiful video that I want to share...

Summer 2007

The few days before my vacation was ending I said to my BF that I have´nt really done anything this summer, but I soon realized that was´nt true.
During this summer I have travelled in Italy, spent a wonderful midsummer in Norrland, painted my nude selfportrait, read two books, spent a week in Finland (and even got a chance to go out in the archipelago again :)), renewed my blog, been to concerts and just relaxed in Stockholm. In the end it has been a good summer with a lot of activities and freedom.
I ended my vacation by going to see the Pride parade. I was a bit disappointed in it this year though, I felt the festival and carnival feeling was a lot stronger last year. But when the parents of homosexuals walked by, I almost started crying. They seemed so proud of their children and the love they seemed to feel was amazing...
Now the fall is arriving and I am actually not really sad about it as I have so many activities planned for the next two months also, a trip to Åland, the tattoo convention, my 30th birthday, circus soleil, a trip to Paris and of course "parkteatern" many times a week this month.
And I am going to tell you a secret.... I have started working, but as I have flexible hours, I am able to sneak out in the sun in the afternoon and do some work later in the evening instead, so the summer is not entirely over ;)

Saturday, August 4, 2007

My hated bubble

In my bubble I am safe.
I am safe from everybody else besides myself.
In my bubble I fight my inner war,
which makes me hurt even more.
My bubble is destructive,
and I hate that it is so seductive....
...

Friday, August 3, 2007

PostSecret

I have a link on my blog called: "PostSecret". Every Sunday, a man called Frank Warren publishes postcards sent by random people with their secrets. But you are not allowed to just write your secrets, the concept is that a picture tells more than a thousand words.
I visited the site again today and I just got overwhelmed by the humanity of the site. Somehow visiting the site made me feel like I am ok, I am just a humanbeing among everybody else and nobody is perfect.
My vacation is soon over and this week I have been thinking a lot about my life and about myself. The disappointments, the happines, the sadness, the fears, the love and just life in general. Renewing my blog has been my way of telling about this and my posts has also been more creative this week. I have really missed just creating stuff, and I really need to try to do some more of that once I start working as well....
I feel like I am growing and starting to accept myself a bit more. My final destination on my journey is still quite far away but I have taken a few careful steps this week. At least I am on my way.....

Thursday, August 2, 2007

Brain

Somebody poking in your corrupt brain,
might cause you to think:
"you are insane".