Thursday, May 31, 2007

Soon!

Sitting in a boring meeting, in a few hours my vacation will start!! :D
Love being in Italy(although they have promised a lot of rain, but I have decided that the sun will start shining soon! ;)).
More later!
..........
semester

Monday, May 28, 2007

Next destination: Genova, Italy

Tomorrow we are leaving for Italy. I need to start packing and I need to pay my bills...but I get nothing done.... The near future is going to be two days of work and then just vacation, vacation, vacation! :) My boyfriend and I are taking separate flights (Buhuu!) as I get my ticket payed by the company (lucky me!) and he of course needs to fly as cheaply as possible, but we are going to meet up in Italy.
The places we are planning to visit are: Pisa, Elba, Florence, Venice and Milan, and I think that will be more than enough for ten days. Mmmhhh....too bad it is so damn expensive to take a ride in the gondola, otherwise I would like doing that.
I am SO looking forward going travelling again although the tought that I am running away from my life is making me a bit more unsure of why I am so excited. I guess everybody wants to get away, but I need to learn to enjoy everyday life and routines also. I don´t know, maybe this is something that everybody has a problem with? Gaah! This is nothing to think about right now, now it is just time to enjoy, enjoy, enjoy! :)
..........................
Italien, semester

Sunday, May 27, 2007

Weirdo

Yesterday when we went out dancing with my friends there was this random guy who came and talked with me. I don´t know if he was hitting on me or what he did but here is how the conversation went:
Guy: "How tall are you?"
I stated how tall I am
Guy: "Oh are you that tall? You should work like a model or something....or no, you should work in a circus!"
Me: "What?? That is offending."
Guy: "Oh no, I did´nt mean it that way, I just meant that you should use your body if you can."
I found the whole conversation amusing so I just laughed. Then the guy continues:
"I would hit on you, but I am not sure if I am bisexual or gay."
At that point my friends want me to go dancing with them, so I do. When I stand at the bar later on the same guy comes up to me and says: "Oh, I did´nt know you are a go-go dancer as well."

Don´t know what to say......
PS I am not THAT tall
...................
fest, flört, konstig

Friday, May 25, 2007

Julio Iglesias

A good friend of mine got free tickets to see a concert with Julio Iglesias today. It is interesting, because it is a name that I have heard for years and years, but I have never really payed any attention to who his is. Now I know why, it is not really my kind of music, but it was still a very pleasent evening being at the concert.
It was an outside concert and we were sitting there enjoying the evening breeze, mostly being a bit immature, giggling, watching the people around us, eating candy and sipping a glass of wine. This was the first night that really felt like summer and once again I just felt this overwhelming happiness of living in Stockholm. We walked by the water back to the city center, smelling the flowers blooming in the night, and just enjoying life.
So even if "Hulio" ;) was´nt that mindblowing, he made the evening perfect.
Summer nights....here we come! :)
..............
Julio Iglesias, sommar, avslappnig

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Self Evaluation

I had to do a self evaluation today, this is for the salary negotiation I am going to have with my boss in the beginning of next week. It felt kind of strange doing it as I already know I am going to get a salary raise, but we need to have a dicussion about how much I will get. There are five different levels in the salarys that I need to take into consideration when scoring myself. I am on the beginners level and I have to score myself according to that. Would I be in a higher level the demands would be higher and my scores lower.
It is strange to evaluate yourself as there are so many aspects that needs to be taken into consideration. I think when we evaluate our personality and ouseleves as human beings we hardly ever take into consideration the aspects around us. We just have a generalised picture of how things should be and how we should act. That usually causes problems for ourselves as we make an evaluation based on wrong data.
I feel it is hard for me to evaluate myself for the salary negotiation and even if I constantly judge myself in my private life, I think it is virtually impossible to get a realistic picture............or maybe I am just complicating things too much?? If you are a good worker, you get a salary raise and if you like yourself as you are, you will have a good life. Maybe it is as simple as that??!! :)
.........................
Samhälle, lön, själv analys

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Around the World trip

It feels kind of funny to realize that I have actually been around the world.
A few years agon when I was going to Australia to study for half a year I booked my ticket way to late, but I had to get a ticket as I needed to be in Australia when the semester started. The travel agent was sweating as he was trying to find me a ticket, and after an hour he actually had one! It would just take me a bit longer than excpected to reach my destination, more precisely one week!!
First I flew to Frankfurt, from Frankfurt to New York, from New York to Los Angeles and there I stayed for two days. The my trip continued from Los Angeles to Fiji, from Fiji to Sydney and there I stayed for three days. Then I was finally able to fly from Sydney to Perth where I was going to stay for half a year.
My trip back was way faster. I flew from Sydney to Singapore, stayed there for 12 hours, from Singapore to Frankfurt och from Frankffurt home, it took me only 26 hours.
So when looking on the map I have pretty much exactly been around the world. Hmmm...interesting :)
.................
Jorden runt, världen

Monday, May 21, 2007

Stupid people

I get so annoyed at people who bully the weaker ones. Making another person feel bad to make themselves feel better. When I was a kid I was the weaker one, that is why it is so hard for me to grasp that people see me as a strong person today. I was afraid to go to school and I always felt very lonely. I remember that in periods I felt anxiety just getting up in the morning knowing that I had to go to school.
The worst part is that it does not end when you grow up and "get smarter". I have a person who is close to me who is mentally attacked by a person that he does not even know. The person who is bullying is just being a plain ass beliveing that he gets powerful by increasing fear in another person. This person is probably one with some deep issues himself and that is why he punishes other people. Maybe he was the one who was bullyed at school and now he is seeking revenge. God damn it, don´t punish other people for having a fucked up selfesteem, take responsibility and do something about it!!
I just get so angry!!!!!!! This is the only thing that makes me REALLY upset. GAAAAAHHH!!!!
..................
Mobbning, osäkerhet, ilska, orättvisa

Saturday, May 19, 2007

World Map


Only 12% of the world done so far....I guess there will be enough places to travel to for the rest of my life :)
..............
världskarta, resor, globetrotter

10 days until Italy

We are going on a two week trip to Italy. It is interesting, I have been all around the world but I have not yet been to Italy, so I am really looking forward to it.
I feel like I become another person when I go travelling and I guess that is why I like it so much. I feel like I can allow myself to really relax and just enjoy life without feeling anxious about not doing good enough or wahtever. I need to learn to have that feeling at home also. I have been uncertain if I have been running away from myself the last ten years, but I think that is how it is. I have been travelling around the world and never really lived in one place for more than a year without starting to feel like there are ants in my pants.
I am trying to get rid of those annoying ants and find the peace in myself in a ordinary life filled with routines. The first step was to move to Stockholm and I have been living here for over a year, and yes, I feel a lot calmer than I usually do after this amount of time. It is a relief to finally live in place that feels like home, let´s just hope that I will not feel like running again....Hopefully I am finally going to be able to set my roots :)
.............
inre resa, Italien, globetrotter

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Insomnia

Why does things become a lot worse in the night when you are lying there in the dark trying to sleep? I had a couple of frogs jumping out of mouth the other day to a person at work and she did not appreciate it too much. I always get insecure when I realize I have offended somebody and I also know it is not very wise to make enemies at work especielly as I am trying to do improvement work and need to have everybody with me.
But anyway, last night I was laying awake not being able to sleep. I listened to the birds chirping outside but it did´nt make me feel better. I just felt this awful "night anxiety", this awful feeling that makes you think everything is ten time worse than it really is. And it gets even worse if you slumber and are half a sleep and half awake. You then start dreaming about the thing you are thinking about ,and the feeling grows even stronger and makes the thing you are thinking about REALLY terrible.
Luckily the morning always comes and after being awake for maybe an hour you realize that none of your fears in the night is actually valid or true....
.................
insomnia, sömnlös, känslor

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Feeling good

Spontanious work related appreciation recived from others, during today and yesterday:
1. A person higher than me in the hierachy told me that he thinks it is good that I am trying to get things in place and solve things. He told me to not give up because it is neccessary work that needs to be done.
2. One of the bosses wrote me an email saying it was admirable that I have the strength to try to solve all the different things that I am trying to solve and told me I am doing a great job and also told me to not give up.
3. One of my co-workers told me that it is because of me he has the strength to carry on with his work and he thinks it is admirable how much I get done.
4. My own boss told me that she is very happy with my work. The salary negotiations are in the fall for all employees but she is going to try to arrange a salary negotiation for me before the summer to try to get me a salary rise right now instead.
So I guess I can be pretty satisfied and feel good about myself :) Although it slightly feels like they don´t know what they are talking about and I am not as good as they say. But I appreciate all the nice feedback I get. :)
............
arbete, framgång, ledarskap, lycka

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

A Letter to my Dad

Till Pappa

It is maybe about a year ago since I made my last try to try to make you understand how much I miss you and how much I wish that you would be a part of my life. In my mind I have doubts that you really love me because I hardly ever from you, but I am trying to convince myself that I am wrong. People tell me that you smile when I am around and you look proud and happy when you talk about me, but I seem to be blind to that myself. The only thing I feel is tention and fear of me saying the wrong things that would upset your wife.
I know you must have had a hellish living with mum during all those years and I know you don´t want to think about it and youd rather just forget. But it feels like you are punishing me for feeling bad. It feels like I am reminding you of the horror you lived trough and that is why you are avoiding me. I feel like it it my fault that you have the pain you have.
I guess I could also take the initiative and call you more often, but I can´t bring myself to do it as I still feel like the little girl that just wishes that you would show some attention to her and make her feel like her exsitens has a meaning.
You have your new family now, with your new wife and her adult daughters. I know you are the dad I wish you would be to me, to them, and it tears me apart whenever I think about it. I know it is also circumstances, they live in the same town and they have children that you often take care. Your new wife does not like me very much and I know me coming into town quite often cause tention between the two of you and I guess that is my fault.
I just feel like I don´t have a family and I miss you so much. I feel I am not worthy of your love and attention as I hardly ever hear from you and that also makes me think I am not worthy of anybody elses love. I wish I could feel that I belong somewhere, I wish I could feel that I belong to your new family and that I am loved as I am, but I don´t.
I happy for you that you are happy dad, and I know you would have been miserable without your new wife, so I really think this is the best thing that could have happend to you. My heart is filled with love for you and I feel selfish for feeling sad for myself, but just remember that my heart is filled with a warm and fuzzy feeling for you. And just know that whenever I hear from you, even if it is just a hello on the msn, it means the world to me...
............
pappa, sorg, saknad

Fashion

So many people seem to be blogging about fashion and even more people seem to be interested in reading about fashion. I almost feel like a weirdo for not being equally interested in what colour I should wear this summer or what kind of pattern I should have on my nails to be fashionable. Now don´t get me wrong, I do care about how I dress and I would be lying if I would say that I am not aware of fashion at all but I am not interested enough to surround my whole life about it.
But I do think fashion is very good interest or hobby for a lot people. You can easily get a lot of information about it, you can create your very own personal standing point, and fashion never stays stagnant, so you don´t get easily bored. In addition to this you can go even further and start studying other countries fashions and create a even more personal opinion about what you like.
The more I think about it, the more I understand why people have such a fasciantion for fashion :)
..............
Mode, skönhet, intressen

Monday, May 14, 2007

My Mothers Death

My mother died about four years ago. When it finally happend it was a relief, but the road to the feeling of relief was not easy.
I was travelling in Vietnam with my "best friend" when I got a call from my dad. Instantly I knew that the call was about my mum. He told me that she was in the hospital and asked me to come home earlier from Vietnam. I asked him if my mums condition was serious and he started crying and said yes....
I remember thinking: "the time has come, the end is near". My "best friend" got even more upset about what was going on than I did, but she was more upset about our holiday ending sooner than planned and I ended up trying to calm her down... I asked the hotel we were staying at if I could call my mum at the hospital, and they allowed me eventhough I did´nt have enough money with me.
Before my mum got into the hospital her brains were pretty damaged. It was impossible to have a normal conversation with her as she did not understand what you said to her. I had´nt been too much in contact with her over the last two years as I had given up on her ever getting better. When I called her from the hotel in Vietnam I was crying and I told her I loved her for the first time ever. She replied with an annoyed voice that she doesn´t belive me. It hurt me so much to hear those words and I felt she did not give me the opportunity to say goodbye to her....
Anyway, I was able to get home from Vietnam a couple of days earlier than planned. My aunt came and picked me up and we went straight to the hospital. I did not recognize my mum when I first saw her at the hospital, I thought she was some old strange lady and I told the nurse that it she was not my mum. She went and asked somebody and came back and told me that I was wrong, it was my mum...She looked so old and her face had aged ten years in five weeks, At this point she was also too sick to ever be awake again.
The next day I went to see her at the hospital again. I wished that she would have been awake so that I could have said goodbye to her, I wished that she would have known that I did love her and I forgave her. I wanted to tell her that I knew the pain she felt and I wanted to apologize to her for not being the daughter she wanted. I wanted to apologize for all the times I had been mean to her and made her cry, I wanted to apologize for not kissing her and hugging her more and telling her that I appreciated her. I wanted to apologize for leaving her alone, for not understanding her misery and pain. I wanted to say that I wish I could have saved her and I that I missed her. She never heard those things from me and it tears me apart that our roads parted without a proper goodbye...
Dispite all the pain she caused me, she was my mother and I miss her and I wish she could have been happy. I am not sure we would ever have been good friends or even friends at all, but it might have been possible if she would have been happy with her life.
When talking to her in the hospital, feeling the smell of death pouring out of her, hearing her barely breath, seeing her very gray hair and knowing that she was never going to se her grandchildren or me getting married broke my heart. But during a few seconds when I was talking to her I saw her lips move as if she was trying to say something, I´d like to think that she heard me and that she wanted to tell me she loved me. I´d like to think she knew I was there, I´d like to think that she forgave me, I´d like to think we had the moment I craved for even if it was just for a few seconds.
I left the hospital to come back after a few hours, but I never had the chance. She died shortly after this.
At this time I needed the support of my best friend more than ever, but she betrayed me. She could not handle my sorrow and she was not capable of just spending time with me so she left me to be all alone in my sorrow....our friendship ended there.
............
sorg, död, mor, alkoholsim

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Eurovision Song Contest

I have never really been interested in the Eurovision Song Contest until last year and this year. Last year because Finland had their very first victory ever with a very unconventional song and this year because they arranged the contest.
Finnish people have very low selfesteem as a country. The intersting thing is that when I moved to Sweden, I found out that the swedish people seem to think the same about themselves. That suprised me as I have always belived that Sweden as a nation has very good confidence.
But anyway, my point is that I hope Finland can by the Eurovision Song Contest get better confidence as a nation. I find it admirable that the finnish people had the courage to participate in a "schlager" contest with a hard rock song last year, and by having the courage to be different, also being able to win the whole thing!
This year when it was the Finns turn to arrange the competition they also had the courage to not be so serious and instead of having very serious landscape video clips, they had video clips were they made jokes about themselves and about what they do in Finland. If having the courage to stick out from the normal norms is not a sign of good selfesteem then what is?

Friday, May 11, 2007

Leadership

Today we talked about leadership in our team leader course. I found the day very interesting as I got a better understanding of why people sometimes misunderstand me and I also got a better overview of how to be a leader.
My problem is that is usually skip the "get to know" phase and I usually just spit out what I think from the very first moment when I meet people. This is not appreciated by everybody and I guess I can understand that. But the positive sides of it is that people feel more comfortable to speak their mind too, usually way earlier than they would have without me letting frogs jump out of my mouth. But don´t get me wrong here, I am not THAT bad, just a little bit over the top ;)
As a leader you need to use different ways of leading depending on what stage the group is in. Apperantly there has been a study done a couple of years ago and they had found out that only 1% of the leaders are able to change leadership styles. Most of the leaders stick to the style they feel is most comfortable, and that is why their leadership doesnt always work.
What I learned today is that I am on the right track, but there is still a lot to learn :)
........
ledarskap

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Being the odd bird

Today at the course I presented myself as the odd bird. This is because I am the only one who is not from Sweden and who does not have a engineering background. (and becuse I have participated in voodo rituals, been swimming with giant turtles and I don´t always follow the societys rules of what is correct)
There are consequences of being the odd bird. The positive ones are that you can help people open up and help them feel more comfortable in letting their personalitys show. You can also make people laugh quite easily by just letting frogs jump out of your mouth. But the downside is that to be taken seriously, you really need to show that you can be diplomatic and that you are a hard worker that deserves respect.
This is something I have been able to do at my ordinary workplace, but in this course I think people are quite suspicious against me. It is interesting how afraid people are of how other people are going to percive them. We had a discussion during the course about dress codes. Most of the people in the course are dressed like engineers and business people usually dress, a preppy shirt and neat pants. I don´t dress like that, I have a more street, slappy style that does not bring that much respect in itself. But does clothes really do the person? Or is it the person that does the clothes?
We have a red headed very bohemic woman in our organisation. She looks way more like an artist than a business woman. But the way she carries herself and the way she talks, shows that she expects respect from other people. And she gets the respect.

Respect.
...........
sociala normer

Swedish Culture

I am taking a team leading course right now and I have spent quite a lot of time thinking about cultural diffrences. In the course we are talking a lot about the whole team having to be in consensus before making a decision, this something that is very swedish and feels kind of strange to me. Often times when I am at work I get annoyed at the fact that I am booked up for meetings usually around six hours per day, and I don´t get how I am supposed to get some work done when I sit in meetings all the time?
It is just very important for the sweedes to make sure everybody has all the information and that everybody feels that they have been heard. In a way I think this is great, but at the same time it is stealing a lot of time.
Anyway, I thought my course would last for four days, but now it is only for two days and the next two days will be in June, so now I have two completely empty days to just do work on my own....something good in everything, and damn the one who books me for meetings ;)
..........
svensk kultur

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

Success

I have been told that I am ambitious, and I guess that is true. But how do you define when a person is successful?
A successful person might be one who has a high salary, works 14-16 hours per day and is in a high position. Status and money are the carrots, the driving force. I don´t think that theese things motivates everybody, and maybe that is why so many people get burned out as they are chasing carrots that they don´t really want?
Why can´t personal goals be more evident in the society? Why does not personal success count more? I mean, if one person is developing her social skills, and is getting really good at it, she should be able to be proud of it and also get recognition from people around her. Or if a person is able to be happy and also a good worker in the same position for years and years, shouldn´t that be counted as success also?
The carrots for my personal succes is not status and money. Success for me is to get as much freedom as possible in my work, to become more and more efficient, to increase my knowledge, to gain better communication skills, to grow in myself and to get a balance between work and sparetime. To be able to achive this I guess I do need to climb the career ladder, but money and status are not my driving forces.
Which is your way to success?
..........
karriär

Monday, May 7, 2007

Spring cleaning: phase 2

The kitchen is finally clean. It took me one and a half hours to clean everything. This does not sound like much, but if you would see how small my kitchen is, you would understand that it is many minutes for such a tiny space :)
Anyway, feeling satisfied about my accomplishment.
Wardrobe, main room and floors left (and maybe windows).

Thursday, May 3, 2007

Spring cleaning: phase 1

The bathroom is finally in approved status. Most of the dust, stains and long hairs are gone.
What still remains is the kitchen, wardrobe and main room....I think the kitchen will be next.

Wednesday, May 2, 2007

TCP/IP protocol

I am taking a 3 day technical course right now..... All my fellow participants in the course are civil engineers....Guess how smart I feel with my very broad technical background (I am able to understand that I need to use the plug in the wall to get electricity, and don´t ask me how I have a job in a technical company, that goes beyond me!! )
I feel like the Piffla in the forest that has gotten lost in her home. She does not know the way to her bedroom and she thinks the toilet is her kitchen.

GO Piffla! show those civil engineers that 1+1=3!!! ;)
........
teknologi